Fetch Us Our Smelling Salts! Trump's Bone Spurs Might Not Have Been Real!!!1!
Are you sitting down? Perhaps on a fainting couch? Do you have a nice cup of tea at hand? OK. Take a deep breath because I am about to tell you a thing that will absolutely blow your mind (if you, for some reason, are either very dim or have not read the headline): It is entirely possible that the magical mystical bone spurs that prevented Donald Trump from going to Vietnam and then mysteriously disappeared afterwards, never to be seen again, may not have been real.
I know, right? I will give you a moment to collect yourselves.
According to a report from The New York Times, the daughters of Dr. Larry Braunstein, the Queens podiatrist who gave Young Donald Trump the diagnosis, say it's long been a part of their family lore that he made up the bone spurs thing as a favor to Fred Trump, from whom he rented his office space.
"I know it was a favor," said one daughter, Dr. Elysa Braunstein, 56, who along with her sister, Sharon Kessel, 53, shared the family's account for the first time publicly when contacted by The New York Times.
Elysa Braunstein said the implication from her father was that Mr. Trump did not have a disqualifying foot ailment. "But did he examine him? I don't know," she said.
In return for this big favor, Fred Trump reportedly did the bare minimum of his job as a landlord.
"What he got was access to Fred Trump," Elysa Braunstein said. "If there was anything wrong in the building, my dad would call and Trump would take care of it immediately. That was the small favor that he got."
WOW. This may not seem like a big deal, but Fred Trump was such a slumlord (and a racist!) that Woody Guthrie actually wrote a song about how awful he was.
Audio of Woody Guthrie singing about Fred Trump www.youtube.com
The daughters also allege that another now-deceased podiatrist, Dr. Manny Weinstein, was in cahoots with their dad in this scheme. Dr. Weinstein, the Times reports, lived in two apartments owned by Fred Trump, the first of which he just happened to move into right after young Donald received his exemption. As if by magic!
Though there is no specific paper evidence to corroborate the daughters' story, and pretty much all of the records from that era have been destroyed, city records show that at least the real estate angle lines up very neatly with what they are alleging.
Even if the bone spurs did not exist, it would be unfair to suggest that young Donald Trump did not have a condition that prevented him from being drafted like many of our dads or uncles or brothers or selves were. It was a very common condition among young men of such fortunate stations -- he just had too much money.
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse