Finally! A Dorito For Me, A Woman.
For far too long, ladies like me have had to sit by the wayside as we watch the menfolk enjoying the delicious flavored tortilla chips known to the world as Doritos. As much as we might try to enjoy them ourselves, certain things have always gotten in the way. The crunching, for one, is far too loud! As a woman, I pride myself on being as accommodating as humanly possible, and "too loud" crunching could interrupt a man when he is explaining to me why I am wrong, or watching his favorite TV show. How can one be seen and not heard with all that CRUNCHING going on? Chomp chomp chomp! So unladylike!
And the powder! Don't even get me started on the powder. Why, my favorite pair of white gloves is all but ruined with red-gold nacho cheese stains from the last time I attempted to eat some! I was, of course, in my room by myself, crunching in shame. I shan't do it again.
But finally, Doritos has an answer to my womanly woes! They are now creating a lady-friendly version of their classic chips that will crunch less and be less "messy," thereby preventing us from ruining our good white gloves or -- heaven forbid -- being compelled to lick our fingers. The chips will also be smaller in size -- so that they may fit more comfortably in our tiny ladyhands and fit comfortably inside our tiny ladymouths -- and will come in a package that we can fit inside our purses for discreet on-the-go snacking.
PepsiCo's global chief executive Indra Nooyi just gets us:
“When you eat out of a flex bag — one of our single-serve bags — especially as you watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos, and they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don’t want to lose that taste of the flavour, and the broken chips in the bottom,” Indra Nooyi, global chief executive at PepsiCo said in an interview with Freakonomics Radio.
“Women would love to do the same, but they don’t. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers generously and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavour into their mouth.”
Oh, won't the gals in the Junior League be thrilled! We'll have to bust out our Bic Pens for Her and write Nooyi some thank you notes.
Nooyi says the chips should be coming soon to (the feminine hygiene aisle of?) a convenience store near you!
“It’s not a male and female as much as ‘are there snacks for women that can be designed and packaged differently?’ And yes, we are looking at it, and we’re getting ready to launch a bunch of them soon,” she said.
“For women, low-crunch, the full taste profile, not have so much of the flavour stick on the fingers, and how can you put it in a purse? Because women love to carry a snack in their purse.”
This sounds really lovely and I, personally, am quite excited. I do, however, have some suggestions and questions before the new chips are released!
For one, would there be a way to make the bags pink and sparkly, so that they might not clash with everything else I own? Could they perhaps make the Doritos themselves pink and sparkly?
What of those of us who fear eating Doritos in public not because we have yet to master soundless, graceful crunching, but because it might make our breath offensive? Could they make some breath-freshening Doritos for us?
Better still, would there be a way to grind some drugs into the non-finger staining flavoring? Perhaps some Adderall to make sure that when we get done with our work day, we can still have the energy to make sure our man gets his dinner at 6 p.m. on the dot? Maybe some diet pills so we can eat Doritos without worrying about what they will do to our petite physiques? Perhaps some Xanax to ease the anxiety that comes with all those other womanly problems that can't be solved by making them less crunchy? Oh, the possibilities are endless.
It's great to be a woman these days. Sure, we don't have parental leave, or equal pay, our reproductive rights are constantly under attack, a man who thinks it's a swell idea to grab us by our ... nether regions is the actual president of the United States ... but we can be Colonel Sanders and flavored tortilla chips are now no longer only the province of men, and I say that is a win.
Also a win? This, your OPEN THREAD.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse