Fine, Here Is Your Damn 'Todd Palin Quits Marriage Halfway Through Term' Post, YOU HAPPY NOW?
We've received your letters and your tweets and your flares and your friendly gunshots out of airplanes that weren't intended for caribou this time, you just wanted to get Wonkette's attention.
We know. Todd Palin is goin' rogue. FROM HIS WIFE, SARAH PALIN.
Perhaps you have not noticed that we are busy.
In the Before Times (pre-November 8, 2016) Wonkette woulda been all over that like flies on shit. We used to revel in chronicling every immaculate conception by Our Lady Bristol, every drunken Big Gulp speech from Sarah, every "snowmobile accident." But in case you haven't heard, in case you haven't been paying attention, HAVE YOU SEEN HOW MUCH FUCKING NEWS THERE IS THIS WEEK? You think we got time for this redneck Palin shit?
It is only Tuesday. So far this week we have had to cover:
- John Bolton quit-firing himself as national security advisor.
- The prematurely aborted Trump/Taliban lovefest that seems to have precipitated the whole John Bolton situation.
- Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross literally threatening to fire America's weathermen and weatherladies if they didn't cover up for Donald Trump falsifying weather forecasting maps.
- The House of Representatives throwin' 'bows trying to figure out why the hell Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani are LITERALLY TRYING TO FORCE THE NATION OF UKRAINE TO MEDDLE IN THE 2020 ELECTION.
- The story about the extraction of our most valuable intelligence asset in Russia, at least partially because of worries that the president of the United States would burn the source to his BFF Vladimir Putin, a story that gets more unsettling by the minute.
- More emoluments grifting, as Donald Trump seems to be doing everythingbut booking rooms on Orbitz so the military can pay him to stay and refuel at his resort in Scotland.
Oh yeah, and lest we forget, but we read 8,000 words and wrote 2,500 on how JERRY FALWELL'S COCK IS A WONDERLAND. Don't say the Trump era has robbed us of our joy. It's just shifted elsewhere.
But whatever, let's tabloid gossip it up. It's true, according to the Anchorage Daily News, Todd filed to ask for #MaverickStatus from the Half-Term Grifter Quitter also known as his wife Sarah. He did it on his birthday! Happy birthday, Todd!
In a document filed Friday in Anchorage Superior Court, Todd Palin, 55, asked to dissolve the marriage, citing an "incompatibility of temperament between the parties such that they find it impossible to live together as husband and wife."
Sounds right. They're asking for joint custody of Trig. All the other Palin spawn are grown and failing at life outside the nest, therefore they do not matter in the context of these proceedings.
As blogger Craig Medred notes, there have been rumors of the Thrilla being gone from Wasilla, at least in Todd 'n' Sarah's marriage boudoir, for quite a while. You know, People magazine sayin' rumors about Todd 'n' Sarah findin' foreign love bones in each other's turkey grinders and like such as. True? Dontcha know! (We don't know.)
Unfortunately, so far there hasn't been much juicy dirt about whatever led Todd to go to the courthouse to file for "Get Me The Fuck Out Of Here" status from Duck Blind Barbie. No drunken brawls with Bristol callin' everybody a "cunt," no Track Palin domestic violence, no Sarah Palin blaming Barack Obama for Track Palin's domestic violence. Kinda disappointed how this is happening not with a bang but with a whimper, to be quite honest.
We guess we'll just have to sit here and wonder what brought this all about.
We expect Sarah Palin to be named the new national security adviser by noon tomorrow, though, so mazel tov to the whole Palin family, including Mommy's new boyfriend Levi Johnston LOLOLOLOLOL WE ARE KIDDING, SARAH PALIN WAS PROBABLY NOT CAUGHT SMOOCHIN' IN A DEER STAND WITH HER DAUGHTER'S EX-BOYFRIEND/BABYDADDY, NO WAY YOU BETCHA!
Have an open thread. We have earned it.
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