Fine Hipsters, Taco Bell Will Put Free-Range Artisanal Kale Eggs In Your Chalupas

Mazel tov about the egg thing!

Your Wonkette stands before you bearing gifts of Corporate Jerkery the likes of which have never been seen since last week. 

And just in time for Thanksgiving and Black Friday, too!

Blessed is the government that steals from the disabled and gives to the poor defense contractors

Established in 1938, America's AbilityOne program provides jobs to blind and significantly disabled Americans. It's historically a feel-good, Made In The USA program that primarily subsidizes nonprofits that produce goods and services under federal contracts at a fair market price. For instance, an AbilityOne-affiliated company manufactured biohazard bags used by USAID workers responding to West Africa's Ebola outbreak - the greatest threat America ever faced until we discovered homeless Syrian children.

Yet it's not all warm and fuzzy Ebola biohazard stories for AbilityOne. Earlier this year, the Justice Department opened an investigation into the agency because dollars that are supposed to be assisting the disabled with work and money are allegedly being steered to a handful of large corporate persons because each government program is a fire hydrant they all get to piss on.

[contextly_sidebar id="JraDDvFP5BQlnaNDnoqCqLqgrKhTe7EQ"]For a company to get a contract with AbilityOne, 75% of that company's work must be performed by blind or severely disabled employees. So nice try Lockheed and Boeing . We don't believe "Morally Flexible" is an ADA recognized disability.

According to Wikileaks, program officials have been steering these contracts to unqualified companies, especially in the Defense Sector, and they have tapes to prove it. But what's wrong with a little more government subsidy when there's still a little room on the plate between the huge serving of Pentagon money and the orphan soul casserole?

Papa John's Capo will do hard time for stealing workers' wages

New York City Franchisee Abdul Jamil Khokhar will serve 60 days and be forced to pay $230,000 in restitution to the minimum wage employees whom he stole from. On the flipside, the prison food will be an improvement over eating at work.

[contextly_sidebar id="yOkfooLbCejwTk8ma8s8TQOEPEaLgmT1"]Corporate Person Papa John's and esteemed Boss Man John Schattner are obviously insulated from the legal action. Schattner remains free to use the weekend to do breadstick reenactments of The Fountainhead and not handle his liquor .

Kmart workers will work Thanksgiving. Or maybe not because no one will tell them

Opening at 6am on Thanksgiving so that a handful of shoppers can trickle in and purchase 88 cent 2-Liters of Pepsi isn't the worst thing that Kmart is doing to its employees. According to thinkprogress , until this week, 95% of Kmart workers didn't even know what their schedules will be for Thanksgiving and Black Friday.

How awful is that? You might get the day off, but good luck planning anything with your loved ones because you're probably working a 6a to 6p shift. And there's really no way around it since you can't request specific work times. So maybe you should just request the day off. ( If you want to get fired .)

Go fly a kite, K-Mart. But maybe not a Kmart kite which is probably just a copy of an employee's binding arbitration agreement tied to some string. Because you're a rotten piece of shit Corporate Person.

Taco Bell joining the fiesta with some legit as hell eggs

Taco Bell serves breakfast. And if you knew that, you're probably unconcerned about the source of their eggs. But Taco Bell is following the lead of its competitors and will soon be sourcing cage-free egg products. If you eat at Taco Bell, in five years (if you're still alive) your Taco Bell breakfast will contain more humane eggs .

[contextly_sidebar id="hQhFYeekylgAwm93XldBjA6Oa7BCtb3L"]Taco Bell long ago established its animal welfare bonafides by limiting the animal content of its "meat." Good for Taco Bell for thinking about the animals (or more likely changes in consumer purchasing trends), but the thought of eating a gordita at midnight still sounds like the worst idea in the world. Thus it's probably a good idea that Taco Bell is starting to offer delicious, shame numbing booze .