'Firefighter Prophet' Sick And Tired Of Satan Drowning Out God With Chemtrails


Back in April of 2011, God decided to beam his voice directly into the brain of a retired firefighter named Mark Taylor in order to tell him that he, God, had personally chosen Donald Trump to be President of America. Then, in 2016, when Donald Trump actually ran for president, he started telling people all about his amazing prophecy, and at least a few of them went along with him. This included some students at Liberty University who made a very serious and extremely hilarious looking movie about his life (which apparently is now streaming for $3.99. Not gonna lie, I am tempted).

Since then, he's been on a whole lot of internet TV shows spreading the word about very normal things like how the lIluminati is putting out a special frequency to mess with everyone's DNA in order to make them hate Donald Trump. Maybe they're doing it through the mainstream media, maybe they're doing it through rock and roll music, he's not sure, but he knows it's happening. For reasons.

Over the weekend, Taylor swung by a YouTube show called "Blessed to Teach" in order to talk about Qanon, and also about how Satan is using chemtrails to keep people from being able to hear God's voice like he did that one time. Otherwise, I guess, God would be in all of our brains all day talking about how much he loves Donald Trump and wants him to grab all of the pussy.

That sounds pretty annoying, so ... thanks, Satan!

Via RightWingWatch:

Taylor claimed that "everything in life gives off a frequency" and that "all of creation cries out to God in the frequency, they're actually worshiping God," and so Satan is using chemtrails to turn human beings into "giant antennas" through to which he can beam a competing frequency that will "block" humanity from being able to hear God's frequency.

"The chemtrails, all the spraying is to detract us from hearing God's frequency," he said. "They are spraying aluminum and barium in the chemtrails and if you look on the periodic table—barium is BA, aluminum is AL; it spells BAAL."

"That's deep," Taylor said. "That's no coincidence."

"We are literally walking antennas because we've been breathing the aluminum, we've been breathing the barium," he added. "We are literally giant antennas, which was intended. If you want to get really deep on this, these entities that the devil has put down here that these satanist worship or tap into for this knowledge, if you will, they have told them how to do this stuff. They've showed them how to do this stuff for decades, for thousands of years, but they've tapped into this stuff about how to clog up man's ears and eyes to be able to sense and feel God every time you're walking around."

Given that chemtrails are not what one would call "real," we could just as easily say that the chemtrails are actually made up of uranium, nickel, cobalt, radon and sulphur, somehow, spelling out U, Ni,Co,Rn,S. Or even, hear me out here...

Either of these could mean "things." Maybe Satan wants to turn us all into delicious chocolate unicorns with his chemtrails? After all, there are no coincidences when you are just making shit up.

This new theory seems to be a variant of the last one, as he's still on about "frequencies," which I explained last time is actually an obscure conspiracy theory in and of itself:

As it turns out, the 440hz thing is a conspiracy that's been around for a while, and it is genuinely bizarre. First of all, it doesn't actually have anything to do with the "frequency" that news is broadcast in. That is not a thing. It has to do with music and tuning. The standard tuning for most music is A440 -- meaning that the A above C is tuned to 440hz, which is 440 vibrations per second. There are some variations, particularly in orchestral music (435hz was the standard for a long time in France, so sometimes they use that standard for more authenticity), but 440hz been the standard since 1955.

Some people think this frequency was invented by none other than Joseph Goebbels to brainwash people and making them feel anxious. They think 432hz is better for weirdly mystical reasons I can barely understand, including chakras and the number of Buddha statues on Mount Meru. Also C528 for other reasons. You can even go and buy music that has been converted to C528 for your listening pleasure.

Is that the answer to the question "What's The Frequency, Kenneth?" Could be! Again, no coincidences.

Now that he's managed to combine this particular conspiracy theory with both the Illuminati and chemtrails, I've got my hopes up for some more creative stuff. I'd like to see what he can do with my personal favorite conspiracy theory of all time, the Phantom time hypothesis, which holds that the years 614–911 C.E. never even happened and Charlemagne never existed, but were magically inserted into history somehow by the Holy Roman Emperor Otto III, Pope Sylvester II and Byzantine Emperor VII, for reasons. Or at least work the flat earth stuff or the reptilians in there somehow.

Of course, in the event that Mark Taylor is right and Satan is doing chemtrails all over the place in order to keep God from talking to us, there are ways to protect oneself from chemtrails. Option number one, ORGONITE.

Can Orgonite Clear the Sky of Chemtrails? | Mango & Space Panther | Episode 77

Hey, if you can't trust some dudes called Mango and Space Panther when it comes to science, who can you trust?

Option number two? Spray some household vinegar at them, like my favorite people on the whole entire internet do.

Kill ChemTrails With Vinegar!!!!!

Or, if you wanna cover all of your bases, you could do both at once!

Vinegar and Orgonite destroys Chemtrails !

So many options. Alternatively, you could do nothing and never experience the joy of God whispering sweet nothings in your ear about how great Donald Trump is. The choice is up to you.


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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

Keep reading... Show less
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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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