Five Easy Steps To Predicting Pennsylvania
It has been six long, terrible weeks since the last primary, and since then Elliot Spitzer resigned for schtupping a hooker, Barack Obama explained to the world why Jeremiah Wright didn't wear a flag pin on his lapel, and Hillary Clinton bombed Bosnia. Because many of you are a little rusty on how these "primary" things work, we've got a few helpful tips for all those dorks who are actually trying to make sense of the poll results today.
- Remember geography. Pennsylvania has a city at one end and a city at the other. In the middle lies a vast windswept desert where people drive around their junkmobiles and hold battles in Thunderdomes. Obviously, this has a pretty big effect on voting patterns.
- Ben Franklin. He was the very famous man who invented Pennsylvania, so he supports John McCain.
- Green collar jobs. We've heard a lot of talk about the Blue Collars in Pennsylvania, but this small persecuted minority has been virtually eclipsed by the Green Collars, who are yuppies who like to build Priuses for fun.
- The white ladies. They are important, and so are white men. Black people do not matter, because even though they're turning out in record numbers, it's totally predictable who they'll be voting for. This lack of suspense makes them inconsequential as a voting bloc.
- Foodstuffs, bowling, hunting, and drinking. Pennsylvanians consistently list these four issues as the most critical in the upcoming election. They simply will not vote for anyone who can't take a sawed-off shotgun to a bowling ball and blast it into cheesesteak heaven, while drunk.
Stay with us throughout the day as Wonkette's own Jim Newell and Liz Glover provide UP TO THE MINUTE, ON THE GROUND coverage of whatever the hell is going on in Pennsylvania.
Five things to watch in Pennsylvania [Politico]
The Wal-Mart Sisterhood [BusinessWeek]
In Pennsylvania, white male vote is key [Christian Science Monitor]