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Because Yr Wonkette loves you very much, we are not going to tell you anything about Donald Trump meeting with Kanye West in the Oval Office, nay nothing even about his sense that, as much as he liked Hillary, her slogan "I'm With Her" didn't make him feel as much like Superman as a MAGA hat did, because we just said we would not be writing about Kanye AT ALL.

And so: Five Stories Having Fuck-All To Do With Kanye:


Well THIS Is Some Bullshit Involving Books And Prison (And Is Not About Kanye)

In Pennsylvania, prisoners are no longer allowed to receive books donated by individuals or by groups like Book 'Em, a nonprofit that sends -- or used to -- free books and magazines to incarcerated people. The organization's co-chair, Jodi Lincoln, writes in the Washington Post that now prisoners will have to purchase an e-reader ($147) from their commissary account, and can only buy e-books from an approved provider. Yes, even public domain works they could get free on the outside -- and those make up most of the offerings, so somebody's making a killing off prisoners who only earn a dollar an hour. Oh, yes, and the selected provider's other books are more expensive than what you'd pay for other e-books, too. The excuse is that access to books from the outside must be eliminated to prevent smuggling of contraband. IT'S ALL BULLSHIT, and part of a wider trend of eliminating access to literacy in prisons. Get mad. Get mean mad. Oh, look, here is the online "Contact Us" form for the Pennsylvania Department of Corrections. Be firm but polite, please. Also the contact page for Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf, who needs to hear from you!

Now There Is An App To Sue The Bastards, Hooray (In Small Claims Court, So You Cannot Use It On Kanye Probably)

Motherboard has the deets on a new app that will help you bring a lawsuit in small claims court in any state of the US, with the help of an AI "lawyer" (it is not a real lawyer). Powered by IBM's Watson artificial intelligence, the app, called "Do Not Pay," is designed to walk you through the steps of filing in small claims court:

The app works by having a bot ask the user a few basic questions about their legal issue. The bot then uses the answers to classify the case into one of 15 different legal areas, such as breach of contract or negligence. After that, Do Not Pay draws up documents specific to that legal area, and fills in the specific details. Just print it out, mail it to the courthouse, and violá—you're a plaintiff. And if you have to show up to court in person, Do Not Pay even creates a script for the plaintiff to read out loud in court.

Sounds great! We are always up for others saying "violá!" But there's a catch: At the moment, Do Not Pay is only available for the "iPhone," although an Android version is in the works. We like the attitude of developer Josh Browder, who told the ABA Journal, "If you can 3-D print a gun [...] you should be able to print a few documents." And he already made the joke you were thinking of: Yes, if you don't like the app, you can use it to sue him.

Damn Straight Stacey Abrams Is Telling Brian Kemp To Resign (A Story That Is About Georgia, Not Kanye)

You know how Georgia Secretary of State Brian Kemp, who is also the R candidate for governor, is holding up over 53,000 voter registration forms because of minor typographical problems, thanks to the state's racist "exact match" law? Democratic gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams has had it with that shit, or at least her campaign has, and today called on Kemp to resign as Secretary of State, because rigged system much?

"As he has done for years, Brian Kemp is maliciously wielding the power of his office to suppress the vote for political gain and silence the voices of thousands of eligible voters -- the majority of them people of color," Abrams spokeswoman Abigail Collazo said in a statement.

Collazo pushed for Kemp to step down "so that Georgia voters can have confidence that their Secretary of State competently and impartially oversee this election."

Kemp's campaign said voters will be just fine, they just need to fix their paperwork, and anyway they can cast a provisional ballot if they need to, and maybe it'll get counted. In a statement, Kemp said, of the AP story that revealed the fuckery,

While outside agitators disparage this office and falsely attack us, we have kept our head down and remained focused on ensuring secure, accessible, and fair elections for all voters [emphasis added -- Dok Zoom]

An ole houn' dog sitting next to Kemp then howled and mumbled, "Damn it, I'm right here, put the consarn whistle down, y'all."

Donald Trump Says Devin Nunes Deserves The Medal Of Honor (For Which He, Like Kanye, Is Ineligible)

Donald Trump phoned in to the "Fox And Friends" propagantainment (Coined 2018 by Doktor Zoom, Must Cite Wonkette!) program this morning for 40 minutes of rambling bullshit, and along the way said Devin Nunes, who like Trump has never served in the military, should be given the "Medal of Honor" for his valiant service in running interference for Trump in the Russia investigation.

Thinking pretty quickly for Donald Trump, Donald Trump apparently realized mid-sentence that wouldn't really be legal, and vaguely remembered some other medal he was pretty sure he'd handed out:

If this all turns out as everyone thinks it will, Devin Nunes should get the Medal of Honor [...] What he's gone through and his bravery, he should get a very important medal. Maybe we'll call it the Medal of Freedom, cause we actually give them, they're high awards for civilians, and he's done amazing...

And maybe the Medal of Stairs, because you should just see how fearlessly he handles those, too.

The GOP Thinks We Are In England, Somehow, So Vote For Thatcher (Not For Kanye)

Republicans finally saw a poll somewhere that healthcare is a top issue in the midterms, so they tossed together this lazy-ass ad about how the NHS is going bankrupt and nobody gets care for their gout and patients will be left on the kerb without so much as a brolly, eh wot?

God, that sucked ass, but at least it wasn't Kanye, the end, and now it's your OPEN THREAD!

Here is the other gif we considered for our header image, so it's like a SIXTH non-Kanye story as a bonus:

YOU! YOU MAGNIFICENT TEXT-ORIENTED BASTARD! SEND US MONEY! HOP TO IT!

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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On Monday, someone attempted to murder George Soros by putting a bomb in his mailbox. Also on Monday, someone threw a rock into House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy's office. Also, I spilled some hot coffee on myself. These are all things that happened on Monday, and were by some measure unpleasant. While most people might say, "Yes, all of those things are unpleasant, but they are not equal degrees of unpleasant," most people are not Chuck Schumer.

In what appears to be an attempt to get someone on Fox News to describe him as a "reasonable guy," Schumer sent out a tweet today lamenting the "despicable acts of violence and harassment" being done by "both sides."

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Republicans are KILLIN' IT in Florida, you guys! No worries about election day, Gators. It's all smooooooth sailing for the Sunshine State GOP. Just take it from Governor Rick Scott's lead pollster Wes Anderson, who produced a whimsical, unskewed poll for the campaign, featuring nostalgic jams about high Republican turnout in those good old days, telling the Tampa Bay Times,

As the linked slides indicate, Governor Scott currently leads Senator Nelson 51% to 46%, a lead that is outside of the margin of error.

It should also be noted that this sample from last week is very robust at 2,200 interviews of likely voters, stratified by county to reflect historic mid-term turnout. Our sample shows the Republicans with a one-point turnout advantage, even though we believe we will end up with a two- or three-point advantage. For historical context, in the past two mid-term elections Republicans had a four-point advantage in 2010 and a three-point advantage in 2014. At R+1, that makes our current sample a very conservative take on the likely partisan composition of this year's electorate.

NEEDZ MOAR BILL MURRAY.

No other pollster has replicated those numbers, with SurveyUSA, Quinnipiac, and CNN/SSRS all finding Bill Nelson in the lead, but if OnMessage, Inc. says Scott is running way ahead, then it must be true! Only OnMessage promises to "take your principles, your experience, and your opponent's weaknesses to develop a winning message plan that the voters will embrace." And who wouldn't trust a push pollster, right?

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