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Five Ways Mitt Romney Could 'Save' History's Worst-Ever Campaign If That Were At All Possible

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Soooo, we're all agreed that Miffed Romney has, is currently, and will continue to ... how the French say ... shit the bed? Oui. His campaign has been so bad --so terrible -- that we talked to more than one New Yorker who mistily evinced a longing for the dignified reign of George W. Bush. But surely, 49 days out, there is something Miffed Romney can do to fix it? Never give up! Never surrender! Sure. Sure there is. (Though the seemingly easiest one, "Stop insulting people," is obviously impossible and has therefore been removed from consideration.) Herewith, in the spirit of The Week ("Get more specific," "Fire up the zzzzzz") we offer five of them.


1. Have a buxom blonde lady (administrative assistant, private jet stewardess) say you stuck your hand up her skirt. But have her say you were super foxy and sexy about it and she totally succumbed. Twenty point bump among white men, for having a penis! And possibly white women, who would like to see a comeuppance for that cunty Ann, whom absolutely nobody likes.

2. Go full Wallace. Segregation today, segregation forever! Stop talking about the 47 percent, and start talking about coloreds. (Better yet, totally use the N-word.) Sure, David Brooks will be mad. But David Brooks is probably not going to vote for you anyway, due to the startling incompetence and stuff.

3. Just go to Greece man, clear your head, get away. Walk on the shore, with your wife, or a waitress, or a dude. Doesn't matter! Relax! Take a cruise on your yacht! Return any time after Nov. 7.

4. Fire everyone. Hire Christine O'Donnell's campaign manager instead. Pretty sure as head of Bain you learned about destroying the village in order to save it. Do that.

5. There is no number five. It's gonna be a Reagan/Mondale style curb job. Sorry dude. You are just really, really bad at this.

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Roger Stone, you got some 'splainin' to do, Mister! Remember all those times Stone swore on his Nixon tattoo that he never had any contact with Russians, wasn't a campaign surrogate, and wasn't tipped off to stolen DNC emails in advance? Like that time he told the Washington Post:

"I've never been to Russia. I didn't talk to anybody who was identifiably Russian during the two-year run-up to this campaign," he said. "I very definitely can't think of anybody who might have been a Russian without my knowledge. It's a canard."

Stone told the House Intelligence Committee the same thing last September, but, LOL FUNNY STORY! Seems that Stone just plum forgot about that time in May, 2016 when Trump communications advisor Michael Caputo asked him to meet with Henry Greenberg, "a man with a Make America Great Again hat and a viscous Russian accent." The Washington Post reports, Greenberg was offering sexxxxy Russian dirts on Hillary Clinton, which Stone and Caputo were only too happy to grab by the pussy. But they just couldn't get there!

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Congressman Beto O'Rourke, who hopes to replace Ted Cruz in the US Senate this fall, is one of several Texas and El Paso leaders participating in a march to the just-opened tent city at the US/Mexico border in Tornillo, Texas, where children have already been imprisoned "placed."

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