Florida Man GOP Candidate Doesn't WANNA Hire Russian Assassins To Off His Opponent, But ... Allegedly!

State/Local Politics
Florida Man GOP Candidate Doesn't WANNA Hire Russian Assassins To Off His Opponent, But ... Allegedly!

Stop us if you've heard this one before.

Minor Florida Man Republican candidate for Congress who's totally not going to win was allegedly recorded saying last week that he regrets that he MAY have to hire a Russian-Ukrainian hit squad to kill one of his primary opponents. He doesn't want to. Listen, he's not a monster. He might just have to. Not everything people have to do is pleasant. Dirty dishes in the sink? Not pleasant. Pay your bills? BOOOOOOOO SUCKS. Hire a Russian-Ukrainian hit squad to kill your political opponent? You know, ALLEGEDLY?

"I really don't want to have to end anybody's life for the good of the people of the United States of America. ... But if it needs to be done, it needs to be done."

He doesn't want to have to END A PERSON'S LIFE for America but ... well!

Sooooo this guy, he is called William Braddock. And Politico has him on tape allegedly saying these things about his GOP primary opponent Anna Paulina Luna, for the seat Democratic Rep. Charlie Crist is leaving.

The conversation was with a conservative activist named Erin Olszewski, who says it happened last week. But again, he doesn't want to hire a Russian-Ukrainian hit squad to murder this person. In fact:

"That will break my heart. But if it needs to be done, it needs to be done. Luna is a f---ing speed bump in the road. She's a dead squirrel you run over every day when you leave the neighborhood."

Jesus. Christ.

Politico tried to find out if Braddock really said these things on tape in the wee hours of June 9:

Asked repeatedly via text if he mentioned Russian-Ukrainian hit squads, Braddock wouldn't give a yes or no answer, saying he had not heard the recording and that it's "allegedly me … there is no proof of that." He also suggested the recording "may even be altered and edited."

"This is a dirty political tactic that has caused a lot of people a lot of stress and is completely unnecessary," he said.


Olszewski says oh yeah, fucker said that, and she recorded it because Braddock had already said "unhinged" things to her about Luna in the past. She gave it to the St. Petersburg police and also to the candidate, Luna, who along with Olszewski now has a restraining order against Braddock.

In the recording, Braddock early in the call brought up the alleged assassins. He also made rambling statements about getting financial help from fellow Freemasons or by somehow importing millions of dollars from Malta and Gibraltar.

"I have access to a hit squad, too, Ukrainians and Russians," he said about three minutes into the call, adding "don't get caught out in public supporting Luna. … Luna's gonna go down and I hope it's by herself." [...]

When Olszewski asked him why he had Russians at the ready, Braddock indicated they were to stop Luna.

According to Politico, nobody even knows why Braddock hates Luna so much. But he reportedly did say on the call that if he finds out from his pollsters that Luna is going to win the GOP primary, that's when he's going to have her ... you know. By the Russian-Ukrainians!

Seriously, this is just batshit, and also just another week in the life of America's most fucked up state:

"[I]f the poll says Luna's gonna win, she's gonna be gone. She's gonna disappear," Braddock said in the recorded call, pledging Olszewski to secrecy. "For the good of our country, we have to sacrifice the few. … For the better or the good of the majority of the people, we've got to sacrifice the few."

Later in the call, Olszewski asked what would happen if "Luna is gonna win" and Braddock assured her that wouldn't happen.

"She's gonna be gone. Period. That's the end of the discussion. Luna is not an issue," he said.

Olszewski pushed him, asking "how do we make her go, though? I just don't understand that."

"I call up my Russian and Ukrainian hit squad, and within 24 hours, they're sending me pictures of her disappearing," he replied. "No, I'm not joking. Like, this is beyond my control this point."

It's beyond his control. Which Russians?

"Russian mafia. Close-battle combat, TEC-9s, MAC-10s, silencers kind of thing. No snipers. Up close and personal. So they know that the target has gone."


So either we are dealing with an absolutely deranged person, or an incredibly dangerous person, or both. (Or maybe HE WUZ FRAAAAAAAMED!) Regardless, he is very mad at Erin Olszewski for doing this recording and giving it to the police, not that it is a real recording:

"The folks in possession of whatever recording they think they have of myself or someone else (which may even be altered and edited) will be facing civil damages suit(s) when the paperwork is file [sic] with the county and felony charges after I file with the local police department," Braddock said in his text message to POLITICO. "I strongly advise not to get involved because the civil suits will continue to be filed until people stop sharing them because whomever is on the recording did not consent to be recorded in my humble opinion."

Well boy howdy.

Look, there is so much going on here. If you read the whole Politico article, there are other rival candidates being accused of being in cahoots with Braddock to stop Luna and those rival candidates are like fuck you we are not in cahoots, but also they hate Luna very much like Braddock does, but nobody seems to have any recordings of THEM saying they are going to hire the Russian-Ukrainians to kill anybody, and uh huh, yep, HASHTAG FLORIDA. Enter at your own risk.

Also, and this seems important: Luna says she is genuinely in fear for her life. So we hope that restraining order is enforced.

Here's one more alleged quote from William Braddock:

"Don't be on the f---ing wrong side of supporting Luna because if you're near her when the time comes, I just don't want that to happen to you because you've got kids," Braddock said on the call. "So don't be associated with Luna under any circumstances. Please. And do not repeat this anybody because both of us will be in jeopardy if you do. I'm not just blowing smoke here. I'm f---ing being dead ass serious and it scares the s--- out of me, too."

And this is Wonkette backing away slowly from this story.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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