Florida Man Now Doing Bath Salts While Writing Journamalism
A portion of Will Greenlee, from hisFace-the-book page.
For Your Open Thread tonight, consider the plight of the Florida crime reporter. After a while, there are only so many stories about ladies caught with meth in their bras that you can handle, and so to relieve the monotony, you start adding commentary, and it becomes a regular "weird news" feature, and it's a hell of a lot more fun than just reporting the news straight. Yr Wonkette understands, and we'll even go so far as to say we appreciate what you're doing for the field of journamalism, Mr. Will Greenlee of the TCPalm and USA Today Network. Mr Greenlee does the regular crime beat for the Treasure Coast (mostly St. Lucie County and environs), and then also a feature called "Off The Beat" where he gets to do the stories that we all think of when we think of Florida. They're accurate crime reporting, with added commentary you wouldn't normally find in the news. It's possible the column is a running game of chicken with Greenlee's editor, too.
Consider the case of the lady with the meth in her bra, one Christine Sarao, who, when a cop pulled her over for not wearing a seat belt, pulled into the driveway of a home, gave a false name and claimed her grandmother lived there and that her license was inside the house. When the deputy, who knew her from "prior interactions," called her by her real name, she tried to run, yelling "I have to poop and I’m pregnant!” And so we get to the good part of the story:
“I asked her where she got the meth from and she stated down the road at a yard sale,” the affidavit states.
Sarao later said the home didn’t belong to her grandmother and that she wasn’t pregnant.
Mention was not made of whether she really had to poop.
And then there's this fine example from Friday, with the headline "Display of private item leads to Hobe Sound car chase." A guy exposed himself in a laundromat, then when police show up, he led deputies on a brief car chase, reaching speeds of up to 90 MPH in a 45 zone. But again, it's the little things that matter, like that hed. "Private item" will have to become part of the Wonkette Style Guide along with "swimsuit area," we think. And then there's this bit of color commentary on the nature of the crime:
The case began when a deputy went to a report of a bearded bald man in a yellow-and-black shirt with glasses and light blue jeans who “keeps pulling his penis out” at the laundromat in Hobe Sound.
Penises typically are not pulled out at laundromats.
Actually, in Florida, we don't know how safe that generalization is. We'd like to see some documentation.
We don't know whether Mr. Greenlee has it in him to become the next Dave Barry or Carl Hiaasen, but he's certainly an adept chronicler of the Florida gestalt. If he's not careful, he may end up providing anecdotes for Donald Trump: "And here's something most people don't know: Penises typically are not pulled out at laundromats. And that. Stops. Now."
In recognition of his contributions to Florida journamalism, Yr Wonkette is proud to award Mr. Greenlee the Order of the Rainbow-Vomiting Gnome gif:
Now get to your Open Thread, you filthy fuckaducks!
Yr Wonkette is supported by reader contributions, which typically are not pulled out at laundromats. Click the "Donate" clicky below if you value your private item, Lebowski.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.