Football In June?! There Is a God!
The World Cup starts tomorrow, Huzzah! The World Cup is some sort of larger meditation onpoverty or east/west relations or diplomacy and/or women’s rights, or maybe it's just an exotic sport some people play involving the kicking of a ball into a net. Whatever it is, it's here and we could tell you where to watch it, but that’s not nearly as much fun as listing the Do's and Don'ts of World Cup viewing.
- ... Enjoy the alcoholic drink associated with the country of your favorite team, even if that team is Saudi Arabia.
- ... Shout wildly when your favorite team, which likely became your favorite team two days ago, is losing to your most hated team, which likewise became that about an hour before the game started.
- ... Post status updates on Facebook such as, "Good 1st half Nigeria, keep it up." Doing so will show your friends that you are both worldly and kind (and not racist).
- ... Take note that at some point a picture may emerge on the Official White House Flicker of Obama watching a World Cup game. This is NOT final proof that he is from Kenya/ hates America/ secretly despises Freedom and Justice and is in fact a sissy.
- ... Tell everyone about that one time when you were studying abroad in Germany and you watched the World Cup in the street and how it was just the best experience of your life. Or, how it really was when you were studying in Argentina that you picked up a true appreciation for the sport. Watching the World Cup is better in Europe and South America. We get it. But we're here, watching it in the good ol' USA, so shut up.
- ... Use "goals scored" as the reason in your World Cup drinking game to take a shot. You're better off with using fouls, throw-ins, or naked people running into the stadium. Soccer is a low scoring game and you will never get drunk if you take shots based on how many times the ball actually goes into a net.
- ... Forget what sport you're watching. This is soccer, so it's two 45-minute halves, and extra time is tacked on to the end of each half to compensate for when players waste time faking an injury. And sorry to disappoint, but there are no cheerleaders in soccer.
- ... Root for Spain just because some nice young man who watches European soccer told you to do so. It’s anyone's game and Togo is looking mighty good this year.
- ... Think that just because someone claims to have played soccer their whole life, means that they know shit about the World Cup.
- ... Fall off your bar stool and flop around on the floor writhing in pain if somebody bumps into you. Leave this to the professionals.
- ... Forget that if we are to ever really move past slavery, an African team must beat a European team. And if you're from another country but feel connected to the USA, we can only imagine how painful it must be to decide who to root for. We feel for you, we really do.
- ... Read TNR’s soccer blog, Goal Post, which is billed as the “World Cup blog for highbrow soccer dorks.” TNR has a soccer blog. Which, our records show, is the first time the left has cared about South Africa since the end of Apartheid .... But really, God forbid you just want to watch the games.
Happy World Cup Watching, and if you are in need of a place to watch the games, DCist and The Washingtonian both have lists of bars showing the games that are offering drink specials and discounts on food.