For Just 10 Grand A Year, You Too Can Join 'Weird Mike' Cernovich's Kool Kids Klub!
Are you unpoopular? Do you poop out at parties? Do you secretly wish to be a part of a special society of objectively awful human beings and pay lots of money for the privilege?
Well, for a thousand dollars a month in dues, you could join a fancy country club ... but why waste your money on that when you could, instead, pay to be Mike Cernovich's friend and join his Gorilla Mindset Network! Oh, boy!
You see, in addition to being an advocate for rape, a Pizzagate enthusiast and an internet troll, Mike Cernovich has also declared himself "The Country's Leading Mindset Expert." Which I guess means that he is highly skilled at training people to get very drunk on wine and make up lies about people being in pedophile rings and journalists "doxxing" 15-year-old boys. You do need a very special kind of "mindset" to go around doing that.
The part where he laughs and admits he made it up and then says "Fuck you, sue me," is fun! Fun is an important skill for all high-level alpha males to possess. That, and the ability to talk through their nose and invent bizarre conspiracy theories.
Cernovich talks a lot about his "mindset work" -- usually as if this is a thing he is extremely respected for, worldwide. As if, when people hear his name, they think, "Oh, yeah, the mindset guy!" and not "That creepy internet troll who goes around accusing people of pedophilia and talking about himself in the third person all the time."
Now, being curious, I decided to look into what this Gorilla Mindset even is. Because I am fair-minded, I looked at a review of his Gorilla Mindset book from the notoriously conservative Weekly Standard:
Cernovich is a big believer in self-promotion. The epigraph for the first chapter is a quote attributed to himself, and he quotes a fan saying that his podcast "will alter your consciousness into an alpha male godlike realm where anything is possible." He tells his readers to "record everything you do," making YouTube videos of their work lives to monetize their skills via SEO—in other words, to become mini-Cernoviches.
The book is self-published, and it shows—Cernovich's mindset is not that of a copy editor. One section heading reads "Us [sic] Mindfulness to Improve Your Reading Comprehension and Focus." Although Cernovich refers to parts of the book as "worksheets," there's only one line of blank space to pencil in responses to prompts like "Think back to a time when you felt on top of the world. Write out this experience in as much detail as you can"; I assume including more space would have increased per-unit printing costs for the 177-page tome. On the book's second page, below the header "What Others Are Saying About Mike Cernovich's Mindset Techniques," is text that appears in identical form on the back cover.
According to the Weekly Standard's Aryeh Cohenwade, the book is mostly a hodgepodge of standard self-help crap, and it's primary sources are Tony Robbins and Wikipedia. Quality, quality work here.
Given that membership to this exclusive club (only 100 members will be allowed!) is $997 a month, you may be wondering what you get in exchange for that. Well, for one, you get to tell people you pay money to hang around with Mike Cernovich, which they will of course be very impressed by.
We've all heard that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, and this is of course true.
You are the product of your network, and to raise your game, you need to raise the level of your network.
Many professional athletes even forgo salary increases to keep the "salary cap" limits in mind, as a way to get better players on their team.
Likewise, you need to play at a much higher level yourself, in order for others to want you in their network.
Also, you get to talk to him on the phone for about 15 minutes a month, and enjoy exclusive Skype sessions.
We will have a one-on-one call a month. These calls usually don't need to be longer than 15 minutes, as most people at this level make highly leveraged moves. For the few clients I keep, we average 8 minutes per call. These are high level people, and they don't need to jabber all day about life. They need judgment and discretion when making huge moves in life.
I'll hold "office hours," once a week, where you can Skype me with any quick questions.
I'll also give you my client-only phone number to ensure you can text me if an emergency arises.
What kind of "emergencies" might one text Mike Cernovich for, I wonder? When to "whip out" one's dick? How to be overly sensitive about people making silly videos about you on the internet?
You will also have the chance to go on a trip somewhere with Cernovich and your fellow
high level alpha males suckers!
I've been all over the world, and know a few travel tips most don't.
You'd get on a plane and fly to a destination. From there, your Network membership would cover the cost of lodging.
We could rent motobikes and taking a road trip in Vietnam, to meeting in Costa Rica for white water rafting.
Once again, Cernovich does not, in fact, have the mindset of a copywriter.
You will also get two "intensive seminars a year." These will surely include things like:
Personalized mindset training,
Socializing with like-minded people committed to excellence,
Firearms training with former special operations veterans and Rangers,
Intensive self-defense training with Brazilian Jiu Jitsu experts,
Health and fitness training and personalized programming from elite trainers,
Brand building and business advice from people who have made it happen,
Financial advice from world-class investors,
Special skills building sessions,
A shared culture.
What, exactly is the Venn Diagram for people who have $1000 a month for this kind of bullshit and people who think Mike Cernovich is going to help them with anything other than learning how to be incredibly repulsive to others? Like, who is it that is looking at slovenly Mike Cernovich and going "Yes, that is where I want to be! #ASPIRATIONAL!"
Again, this is about how much membership in an actual country club costs, if spending a lot of money to "network" were a thing you were into (according to Golfing Expert Robyn's Dad, membership in Rochester, New York's, very fancy Oak Hill Country Club is about $60K for an initiation fee and $1K a month, and then the other clubs there are "maybe a $1K initiation fee and maybe $500 a month"). Or you could spend that money on going to charity ball type things, which is also a smart way to network, according to the people I used to dress for them. Or if you like going on trips, you could go on one for a lot less than $10K (unless you are Duncan and Margaret Hunter, whee!). And, as a bonus, you would not have to interact with Mike Cernovich.
Then again, anyone stupid enough to spend money on this pretty much deserves to spend time with Mike Cernovich.
Truth be told, I am actually quite inspired by this display of pure chutzpah, and would now like to invite you all to join my club, Robyn Pennacchia and The Pips. You guys get to be the Pips, but only if you have coordinated dance moves and send me one thousand dollars a month (Venmo: Robyn-Pennacchia). Wait, make that two thousand dollars. I am obviously better than Mike Cernovich. As a prize, you get to not talk to me on the phone. Or anyone. In fact, I completely absolve you from ever talking on the phone, period. I will, however, allow you to tell people we are friends. It is only fair.
Now it is your OPEN THREAD.
Never mind the Gorilla Mindset Network -- Join the Wonkette Mindset Network! By which we mean, please send us money so we can keep writing articles about terrible people asking people for money.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse