Trump Will Never Love You Or Your Immigration Bills, Paul Ryan You Sad Weak Poop

At the end of an absolute horror show week, let's take just a little comfort in the fact that Republicans are absolute shit at governing. That Mr. "I Alone Can Fix It" is a malevolent clown who pulls the rug out from under Congress every single time. That Paul Ryan is a limpdick lame duck who can't even whip his own members. And that Republicans know they're punching themselves in the nuts right before midterms, and yet are unable to stop themselves. Because there's crazy, and then there's CRAZY.

Hey, remember that time in February when Trump was all ready to sign an immigration bill -- if the Senate could just pass one and LOL IT COULD NOT -- until Senator Cotton whispered in his ear that it wasn't cruel enough, and then the whole thing crashed and burned? Spoiler Alert: It's about to happen again!

Tuesday morning, Trump tweeted that the time for immigration reform is NOW.

Yes, with Republican control of the House, Senate and White House, this would be the "best opportunity" to ram through a piece of xenophobic hate legislation to close the borders. Particularly when their party is getting hammered in the press for throwing babies in jail. So the GOP moved on her like a bitch, but they just couldn't get there. SAD.

See, last week Republicans came up with two competing immigration bills -- one that went full Face Eating Jackal and massively cut legal immigration in exchange for a DACA extension, and a second "compromise" bill that provided a path to citizenship for some DREAM Act kids, money for WALL, and an end to family separation.

Tuesday night, Trump huddled up with House Republicans to tell them which bill he supported.

I am behind you so much. We need a wall. [...]

We are going to get this done. I'm with you. I love you people.

Would the president care to be a little more specific about which bill he'd sign if the House GOP got their shit together to vote on something?

No, he'd rather attack a sitting Republican Congressman. This is just a very good whip count strategy!

Idaho Republican Rep. Raul Labrador went so far as to speculate that Trump's performance might have even cost them votes. But it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway, since the House Speaker is essentially bleeding out in slow motion on the House floor.

Paul Ryan started the week battling insurgencies from both the right and the left. North Carolina nutbag Mark Meadows, who is totally, definitely NOT trying to become the next House Speaker, had a public altercation with Ryan on the House floor Wednesday because the conservative "Goodlatte Bill" was insufficiently cruel. The Heritage Foundation is beginning to grumble about "amnesty for millions" again, prompting this heated exchange.

Don't make Pauly go P90X on your ass, Mark!

Meanwhile, "centrist" Republicans were catching hell from their own constituents over the Trump administration's baby jails. They were closing in on enough signatures for a discharge petition, which would have forced a vote on a moderate bill to fix DACA and demonstrated clearly what a weak suck their own Speaker is. Ryan could easily pass a law this afternoon to fix DACA, end family separation, and increase funding for border security -- a clear majority of members support it. But that would violate the Pedophile Wrestling Coach Rule, whereby Republicans will never bring up a bill that doesn't pass with a majority of their own caucus. He'd rather have no bill at all and hope that Trump and his Fox minions manage to pin the blame on Nancy "MS-13" Pelosi.

Darn you, Democrats! Why didn't you push that conservative Goodlatte Bill over the finish line when 41 Republicans noped the hell out of it yesterday? Obviously, you just want to let all those MS-13 baby gangsters into the country to hack up white girls with machetes on the way to voting 12 times and celebrating with a the best five-pound lobster food stamps can buy!

Naturally, Trump will be giving his all to help Ryan whip votes for the "moderate" bill which has been rescheduled twice and will now take place on A DAY next week.

LOL, we are silly on Fridays! Nope, he's dropping this shit and blaming the Democrats. SO LONG, SUCKERS!

Vey iz mir! Is it Manischewitz-thirty yet?

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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