HEY-O! The GOP talking points have gone out on Donald Trump admitting that he'd like to cheat and commit crimes to win next year's election by accepting assistance from hostile foreign powers just like he did last time according to the Mueller Report!

Here's likely compromised dipshit Lindsey Graham, who's theoretically smarter than this, saying that yep, it's bad to accept foreign help, and speaking of that CHRISTOPHER STEELE DODGY DOSSIER HILLARY IS THE REAL RUSSIAN COLLUSION:

Graham followed up with a statement, so that his abject stupidity might be recorded on paper:

Graham spends several paragraphs engaging in Kremlin-style whataboutism, acting as if a hostile foreign intelligence service intervening in our election in order to change the outcome is the exact same as the Republican Party, and then the Democratic Party, engaging a private intelligence company to LOOK INTO THAT VERY SAME ONGOING FUCKING ELECTION ATTACK. That private intelligence company then hired a foreign national (British) spy named Christopher Steele to investigate. Much of the rest of Graham's statement is lies and conspiracy theories that live on top of the turds inside Devin Nunes's dairy cows' B-holes.

You'd think Lindsey Graham might have the ability to read federal election law for himself so that he, the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, might not come off like such an inbred fucking moron, but you'd be totally wrong to think that, because "inbred fucking moron" is kind of what the GOP is going for these days.

Well guess what? Wonkette has read the federal election law, and we are ready as ever to help poor Lindsey Graham, who apparently is not allowed to read ever since he became OfDonald. We wrote about it last year, because the Washington Post's Philip Bump wrote about it last year!

Let's copy off our own paper:

Why is it OK for Hillary Clinton's DNC law firm to contract an (American) firm to do oppo research on Trump's ties to Russia, which leads to that firm hiring a British spy named Christopher Steele (one of the best in the world!), who proceeds to get intel from Russian sources? And likewise, why is it not OK for a bunch of the Trump family's closest Russian spy friends to give them shitloads of dirt on Hillary Clinton, dirt that was procured illegally?
Turns out Philip Bump at the Washington Post decided to explain that very thing [...], and the simplest way to illustrate the difference is to ask, "Which way is the money going? Is it going to the campaign? Or is it going away from the campaign?"

Bump quotes various experts who explain the Trump Tower problem, which is that federal law doesn't just ban contributions of actual money dollars to campaigns from foreign governments, but also donations of goods, services, outside advocacy -- in short, anything of value given that can help a candidate. Bump notes also that "the law prohibits any American from aiding any of the above efforts." So basically, whatever the Russians spent to bring delicious Hillary dirts to the Trump campaign counts as a contribution, and the Trump campaign invited them into the house, which means they could be in big trouble mister. Hell, Donald Trump Jr. specifically said "I love it," in response to an email marked "Russia -- Clinton -- private and confidential," and that specifically mentioned the Russian government's support for for his dad's campaign. [...]

Now, let Bump tell you how the hiring of Christopher Steele is different, by talking to his expert, who just happens to be the guy who used to be general counsel for the Federal Election Commission (FEC):

"Paying a foreign national fair market value for opposition research is generally not illegal," [Lawrence] Noble wrote. "It is considered a commercial transaction, which is not a contribution." Clinton's campaign had paid Fusion GPS directly; it's a campaign expenditure, not a campaign contribution. Since it's not a contribution, the FEC allows it. [...]

It's akin to a campaign looking to investigate an opponent's history of real estate deals in Mexico: Hiring a Mexican firm that's familiar with the available records would be perfectly legal, if the firm were paid with legally raised campaign contributions.

They paid Steele for services rendered. Perfectly legal services. He did not pay them.

Got it? Paying Fusion GPS -- which it should be noted again is an American company -- and therefore indirectly paying Chris Steele? Legal, because money is going out. Taking things of value from foreigns -- not just our sworn enemies, it's just that Trump likes to hang with America's sworn enemies, because let's be honest the president of the United States is America's sworn enemy? ILLEGAL. And what Russia provided Trump, which Junior clearly thought he was going to get from the Trump Tower treason meeting, but ended up coming through WikiLeaks releases, was stolen goods.

The only way it could possibly be the same is if Hillary Clinton or the Democrats had hired foreign nationals to commit crimes. You know, like, say, for instance, hacking into their computers to steal their emails. Like Russia did for Trump.

GOT IT, LINDSEY GRAHAM? Or should we draw a diagram on the president's ass and let you read it next time you're kissing it?

And while we're on the subject of how this thing is different from that thing, know who went to the FBI because he was fucking freaked about what he was learning in his investigation into Russian election attacks to help Donald Trump? CHRISTOPHER FUCKING STEELE. (That is the "bias" Lindsey Graham refers to in his statement. Steele was "biased," because he, a seasoned spy from our closest ally nation, was holy shit freaked out that one of our oldest enemies was trying to swing our election, and that at the very least the Trump campaign was cahoots-ing with them.) Know who knows this fact very well? LINDSEY FUCKING GRAHAM, who told his dead friend John McCain (who was undead at the time, no not like a zombie!) that Steele's dossier should be given to the FBI. Know who should go fuck himself right now? LINDSEY FUCKING GRAHAM.

Of course, it's not just Graham. It was Sean Hannity on his show last night, saying that "[Trump being willing to listen to "oppo research" provided by a hostile foreign power] is much different than, let's see, lying, spying, and paying for Russian lies and spreading it through the media via Deep State operatives and using it as a basis for a FISA warrant."

Hannity is saying other things too:

GOP House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy did the same thing as Lindsey Graham this morning, constantly changing the subject to the Steele Dossier, and also to that time Adam Schiff took a phone call from Russian prankster comedians pretending to have naked pictures of Trump. Know what Schiff did in that case? HE TOLD THEM HE WAS GOING TO CALL THE FUCKING FBI. (Know who didn't call the FBI, besides Trump? KEVIN FUCKING MCCARTHY, when he "joked" in 2016 to his GOP colleagues that he was pretty sure Trump was on the take from Russia. It was six days after the Trump Tower meeting.)

And here's useless shithole scum Dan Bongino, yelling the same thing about Adam Schiff, because he's an abject moron:

Hell, the only GOP dipshit who didn't get the talking points, at least at first, was Rick Santorum, who said Trump's admission of future crimes was just "filler words" -- you know all the English words Trump says between "pussy" and "Big Mac" and "NO COLLUSION!" In other words, he's saying Trump is too stupid to string together a sentence.

We don't expect average Americans to know the ins and outs of election law like this. We do expect members of Congress to learn it before they open their stupid, useless mouths about it.

Oh wait, though, maybe they do know the difference, and they're just lying, because the GOP is a party full of lying liars willing to destroy America to protect their shithole king and preserve their own power:

If you cannot tell, we are MAD ABOUT THIS.

You should be too.

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Image: Marriott Hotels

Great GOP wordsmith Frank Luntz, the guy who gave us the "death tax" and who urged the George W. Bush administration to talk about "climate change" since it was less politically motivating than "global warming," did some more of his characteristic word magic today! While staying at the Hotel Imperial in Vienna, Austria, Luntz offered this cautionary tale about the evils of socialism, as illustrated by the shoddy conditions in a 5-star luxury hotel owned by Dubai's "Al Habtoor" conglomerate and operated by Marriott:

Talk about your grim hellholes! Apparently, there's only one elevator in the entire building, and it's been broken for three days, proving that European-style socialism is a failure that should never be imported to the USA, where -- damn it! -- all buildings work!

As some smartass pointed out, now Luntz may have to take the STAIRS, like a common Bolshevik!

We're still trying to get our heads around how a delay in getting an elevator fixed in a luxury hotel owned by the United Arab Emirati proprietors of Dubai's

  • Habtoor Grand Resort
  • Waldorf Astoria Dubai Palm Jumeirah
  • Habtoor Palace, LXR Hotels & Resorts
  • V Hotel, Curio Collection by Hilton
  • Hilton Dubai Al Habtoor City
  • Metropolitan Hotel Dubai
  • Al Habtoor Polo Resort

as well as

  • Imperial Hotel, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Vienna (Austria)
  • Hilton London Wembley (United Kingdom)
  • Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand (Lebanon)
  • Hilton Beirut Metropolitan Palace (Lebanon)
  • President Abraham Lincoln Springfield – a DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel (United States)
  • InterContinental Budapest (Hungary)
  • The Ritz-Carlton, Budapest (Hungary)

is an example of the horrors of socialism, but then, we don't earn the big bucks like Luntz does. Austria is among the 14 richest countries in the world, so we're fairly certain it's not a commie hellhole. Then again, there is a very strong social safety net, so maybe people in subsidized housing stole all the elevator parts. Or perhaps the elevator would have been fixed sooner if only Austria didn't have such strong unions. It's a mystery.

Or maybe it's that NATIONAL socialism that's the problem, seeing as it has socialism RIGHT IN THE NAME!

Adolf Hitler, once a day labourer outside the Hotel Imperial Vienna, returned as the Führer and "delivered a speech to a rapturous crowd from [the hotel] suite's balcony, on 14 March 1938", according to

We suppose it's worth noting that the Imperial is decidedly not owned or operated by the Austrian government, where a far-Right coalition has recently imploded -- although maybe Luntz is confused about that, since official state guests are traditionally housed there. In any case, the elevator's busted, it's in Europe, Europe is socialist, and Frank Luntz is homesick for America, where no elevator ever goes unrepaired for an entire weekend. It simply has never happened because of our efficient free market!

Still, Luntz's tweet inspired some valuable reflections on how economic theory shapes the reality of everyday life. This is the kind of Austrian economics we can support.

In conclusion, capitalism always allocates resources efficiently and fairly, although that still doesn't explain why Frank Luntz has a job. And now it would be your DOKTOR ZOOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OPEN THREAD, if only the socialists would fix the elevator, the end.

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