As what we laughingly call "reality" continues to slide into hell madness, Senate Republicans have decided that while sworn statements by women about sexual assaults are unworthy of consideration in a Supreme Court confirmation, sworn statements by men attacking those women deserve much greater attention. Obviously, something has to be done to keep these tempestuous women in check, lest they derail the ascent of calm, pure, rational man Brett Kavanaugh to his appointed place on the Court. What we're saying is that the official position of the GOP is, once again, Bitches Be Lying, Always.

For starters, Senate Judiciary Chair Chuck Grassley released a four-page letter from Dennis Ketterer, a former TV weatherman in Washington DC, claiming he had dated Julie Swetnick in 1993. Swetnick has accused Kavanaugh and his high school friend Mark Judge of having participated in gang rapes during house parties in the early '80s; in an interview Monday she called young Kavanaugh a "sloppy drunk" whom she'd seen pawing and trying to grope women at parties.

Ketterer's letter alleges Swetnick's claims can't possibly be true because she came on to Ketterer at a bar even though he was overweight, so he thought she was a call girl, but he dated her anyway although he was married, but then he broke up with her when she said she liked group sex, due to slut. The letter is yet another example of that curious writing genre where men are perfectly fine with talking about their feelings and speculating wildly but women are expected to stick to just the facts, ma'am.

Ketterer, who now lives in Utah, sent the letter to US Sen. Orrin Hatch, who shared some juicy excerpts on the Twitter machine, emphasizing that Ketterer could go to JAIL if he's fibbing, so obviously we must believe him:

Funny how those excerpts leave out the weirder parts of Ketterer's letter, like his obsessive LDS guilt about having fallen into almost-sin, or this Penthouse Forum-style "I never believed a hot girl would come on to me so I thought she was a hooker" description of meeting Swetnick:

There's also Ketterer's strange conclusion that Swetnick is the sort of gold-diggin' floozie who goes after Famous But Vulnerable Local Weathermen Who Weigh A Lot, though heaven knows he's not kink shaming because he's too busy slut shaming:

This is, of course, the point in any Penthouse letter where the cheesy porn fantasy would kick into high gear. Then again, maybe Mormons would find this thrillingly pornographic anyway:

The whole letter is a testament to Ketterer's veracity as a good man who can be trusted, because he clearly loathes himself for his disgusting sex thoughts, but narrowly avoided being snared by a vicious group-sexing slut whose father says she's mentally crazy in the head. In fact, why isn't Dennis Ketterer on the Supreme Court already?

Oh, yeah, and Ketterer also says this:

Julie never said anything about being sexually assaulted, raped, gang-raped or having sex against her will. She never mentioned Brett Kavanaugh in any capacity.

So there you go: During the few dates he had with Swetnick -- in a relationship he said didn't involve emotional involvement -- she never mentioned having been raped, and in 1993, she didn't mention a name most Americans only learned this summer. So wow, is HER word ever worthless -- a very ashamed and repentant man said so. Of course, some might point out that if true, Swetnick's penchant for multiple partners at once would actually back up her account of a high school gang rape, as victims of molestation and sexual assault often end up with sex addictions as they try to neuter the memories of their assaults through repetition. But Ketterer is a weatherman, not a doctor, so it stands to reason he is probably the Real Expert.

On Twitter yesterday -- yep, it's the new National Archives -- Swetnick's attorney, Michael Avenatti, called Ketterer's statement "garbage" and said it's damn well time for the FBI to look into all this:

If you were wondering whether the FBI has interviewed Swetnick at all, that sure sounds like a no. Avenatti also released a copy of a sworn statement by someone who corroborates a couple of key points in Swetnick's statement:

(altered to fit two excerpts in single image; ellipsis added)

Oh, sure, that may back up Swetnick's claims about Kavanaugh and Judge drunkenly groping girls, and even goes beyond Swetnick's statement in claiming to have witnessed the spiking of punch. But it has to be ignored completely, because Michael Avenatti is on Donald Trump's Enemies List, and also the statement is anonymous. Golly, if we don't know the name, how will we ever examine how many people THAT person has had sex with? A source familiar with the president's thinking told Yr Wonkette all anonymous allegations are fake, as are all allegations with names on them.

Of course, anonymous testimony is fine if it questions a woman's testimony. Chuck Grassley also sent a very angry letter to Christine Blasey Ford's attorneys demanding they turn over every scrap of information about her polygraph exam after an unnamed former boyfriend sent a letter to the Judiciary Committee alleging Blasey had fibbed in her testimony last Thursday. You see, when asked about her polygraph examination, Dr. Blasey was asked by Aunt Lydia Rachel Mitchell if she'd ever talked with anyone other than her attorneys about "how to take a polygraph," and Blasey said she hadn't.

Mitchell got more specific: "And I don't just mean countermeasures, but I mean just any sort of tips, or anything like that?" Ford again said no.

Then Mitchell asked one more time: "Have you ever given tips or advice to somebody who was looking to take a polygraph test?"

"Never," Ford said.

But just look at this letter leaked to Fox News -- somehow -- by a guy who says he dated Dr. Blasey from 1992 to 1998, and who says she helped a friend prepare for a polygraph exam! LOCK HER UP!!!!

Look, Bart O'Kavanaugh may have lied under oath about drinking and sex and rape, but Blasey told a friend about how polygraphs work (please discuss below whether that constitutes "coaching" or "giving tips/advice") to calm her down, so obviously that was some kind of hypnosis, probably, and she needs to go to jail. Also, she didn't seem afraid of flying or claustrophobic when this guy knew her, so please disregard everything she -- and her husband and counselor -- might say on the matter, because look, we have a letter from a man who says she never mentioned an attempted rape to HIM.

In conclusion, we expect several statements to emerge soon proving there is no such place as "Georgetown," which is an invention of the liberal media, the end.

[Salt Lake Tribune / New York / Senate Judiciary Committee (Ketterer letterer)]

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