Former Head Of Israel’s Space Program Says Aliens Met Trump, Still Stuck Around

Trump

Professor Haim Eshed, former head of Israel's security space program, dropped a bombshell in a recent interview: Aliens exist and have made contact with what passes for intelligent life on Earth.

Eshed told Israeli paper Yedioth Aharonoth that "the aliens have asked not to announce that they are here [because] humanity is not ready yet."

This is actually two bombshells: We've made first contact and also Eshed can't keep a secret worth a damn.

The professor isn't some random kook or a member of Congress, if you could tell the difference: He served as head of Israel's security space program from 1981 to 2010, and he received the Israel Security Award three times. He has a degree in electronics engineering and a doctorate in aeronautical engineering. He's held research and development positions at the IDF Intelligence Division.

But, seriously, check out this shit:

"There's an agreement between the US government and the aliens. They signed a contract with us to do experiments here. They, too, are researching and trying to understand the whole fabric of the universe, and they want us as helpers."

One of the hubs of the cooperation is a base on Mars — where, by the way, Eshed claims American astronauts have already set foot."

There's an underground base in the depths of Mars, where their representatives are, and also our American astronauts," Eshed reportedly said.


Yeah, according to Eshed, humans have already made it to Mars and we all missed it somehow. Maybe that happened the same time Netflix dropped a new season of "The Crown."

Look, the universe is infinite and perhaps in some distant, far-off galaxy, there is intelligent life and maybe it's so advanced it could defy known physics and travel millions of light years (because "warp speed" is some bullshit) to reach our raggedy-ass planet. But what's the point? We're a violent, brutal society that can't maintain peace with other humans who worship differently or have darker complexions. What is the US government's track record of meeting new cultures and not killing them for their land and spices? America simply isn't capable of the mutually beneficial relationship, rooted in respect and humility, that Eshed fancifully describes. If confronted with a different species far superior to our own, the US government would've nuked them in the name of Jebus.

And it gets sillier.

"The UFOs have asked not to publish that they are here, humanity is not ready yet. Trump was on the verge of revealing, but the aliens in the Galactic Federation are saying: Wait, let people calm down first. They don't want to start mass hysteria. They want to first make us sane and understanding."

If aliens knew Donald Trump was the supposed “leader of the free world," they'd realize there's no making us “sane and understanding." That ship has sailed back to Proxima Centauri.

Trump also can't keep his mouth shut and lives for causing mass hysteria if he believes it's in his immediate interest. He'd have sold the aliens out by now. He sells everyone out. And if he'd lean on Republican governors and elected officials to stay in office, he'd probably call in a favor from his alien buddies: Beam up Joe Biden and lock him in some alien zoo.

"They have been waiting for humanity to evolve and reach a stage where we will generally understand what space and spaceships are."

The aliens will have to wait a long time. They might have more immediate success if they prevented anti-science Republicans from holding any elected office.

Why is Eshed spilling the Romulan ale now? Well, he's 87 and doesn't need to work anymore. Besides, you can't take his degrees and awards away from him, although maybe someone should.

"If I had come up with what I'm saying today five years ago, I would have been hospitalized. Wherever I've gone with this in academia, they've said: the man has lost his mind. Today they're already talking differently. I have nothing to lose. I've received my degrees and awards, I am respected in universities abroad, where the trend is also changing."


Get well soon, professor.

[Jewish Press / New York Post]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."

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