'Fox & Friends' Millionaires Bitching About Class Traitor Bernie Sanders
Fox News graciously invited presidential candidate Bernie Sanders onto its network for a town hall Monday night. And like your typical two-faced hosts, they ragged on their guest as soon as he'd left the building. Sean Hannity kicked off his show with a drive-by attack on "Crazy Bernie" (a mature nickname he swiped from Donald Trump) and the "radical socialist Democratic Party."
HANNITY: That was hard to watch! Bernie Sanders for two hours, wow! Gee, let's hear every communist idea we possibly can.
That's a fair criticism, we guess, from someone whose show airs between an hour of Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingraham. Sanders, by the way, is not a communist. He didn't spend two hours reading his favorite sections of "Dialectical and Historical Materialism" to the audience. He just wants to raise rich people's taxes. When an actual real live socialist is running for president, you shouldn't have to make up shit. It's like when right-wing conspiracy theorists claimed Barack Obama wasn't even born in the US. C'mon, the guy's black. Have a sense of sportsmanship.
This morning, the gang at "Fox & Friends" expressed their concerns about Sanders bringing the French Revolution to their gated communities. Slipping on his monocle and top hat, Fox Business host Stuart Varney joined their collective mass whine over Sanders's proposal to raise taxes on the rich as if they were the common suckers Trump screwed over with his tax scam.
VARNEY: Here is a guy who is -- [Sanders is] a 1 percenter. He's a millionaire. And he's a socialist. I got a problem with that. He is trying to make sure that we, the rest of us on our way up, don't accumulate the kind of pile that he has already got at 77.
Stuart Varney himself, per Internet, is a 10-millionaire! So that seems like maybe some dishonest bullshit right there. Fox itself reports that the Vermont senator has a net worth of about $2 million. We wouldn't kick those dollars out of bed for eating pennies but it's hardly a "pile." Captain Marvel pulled in that much during its sixth Saturday in release. Varney then decried the "unfairness" of Sanders increasing the estate tax.
VARNEY: Where is the fairness in confiscating our money when we've saved all our lives for that money to pass on to our children and our grandchildren? Where is the fairness in confiscating that?
Yes, it's only "fair" for rich people to hoard millions for their grandchildren who didn't earn it while actual, living people starve or die from preventable illnesses. Why else did Jesus Christ discover America? Although the panel fully supports the untaxed transfer of unearned wealth, they draw the line at Sanders picking their pockets on behalf of the working poor.
AINSLEY EARHARDT: Or where is the fairness in if you don't work, but I work really hard, where is the fairness in taking half of my paycheck to give it to you who is not working at all?
Lady, poor people work. They're working while you're sleeping underneath your high thread count sheets. They're working during your pedicure and facial. All they ask is for the children you'd like to legally require them to bear don't have rickets. And, really, does Earhardt seriously believe she works "really hard"? Are we missing the installments of "Fox & Friends" where she's baling hay? She just sits on a couch between two assholes. That's worth some hazard pay, but it's hardly grueling labor.
Varney further elaborated on the Fox News definition of "fairness" with some Darwinian gibberish.
VARNEY: To me, fairness is allowing people with the brains, talent, drive, and ability to climb that food chain and get to the top and stay there and be proud of it. Fairness to him is taking it off you.
Varney apparently thinks rich people are apex predators. And he's not wrong! He probably fantasizes about literally eating the poor while smearing their blood on his face. Seems fair.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).