'Fox & Friends' Has Weird Ice Cream Man Friend Who'd Like Some Loosened Child Labor Laws, Please

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'Fox & Friends' Has Weird Ice Cream Man Friend Who'd Like Some Loosened Child Labor Laws, Please

Stop us if you've heard this one before. This guy has an ice cream shoppe in Cape Cod, Massachusetts, but it sounds like he is from Australia or something, we dunno, we DGAF. His name is Mark Lawrence, and he is having a hard time finding high schoolers to work at his ice cream shoppe, which is called the Polar Cave Ice Cream Parlour.

He has found a sympathetic ear in "Fox & Friends" host Steve Doocy, who agrees that if only they'd just loosen the child labor laws, then everybody could have ice cream instead of not everybody having ice cream, which is suboptimal. Poor Mark Lawrence explains that usually by this time of the early summer, he's got 10 or 12 employees, a number that grows to around 20 once everybody is out of school. But he ain't got that this year. He's had to cut his hours. He should be rolling in frozen riches right now, but his profits have melted.

And it's these DAMNED KIDS' FAULT.

But listen, this is a unique story about our current labor shortage, because it's partially a story about how more and more Americans are saying fuck you, we don't have to put up with your shitty crap jobs. Apparently that applies to the summer high school/college ice cream shoppe worker demographic! It appears the weird ice cream man friend of "Fox & Friends" has a real problem because kids these days are doing work that pays more than his dumbass ice cream shoppe.

But even a business like Lawrence’s, which traditionally hires high school and college students, isn’t seeing a normal return of workers, partly due to the fact that the younger generation prefers fast-money jobs like those at Instacart.

"You can make a couple of hundred bucks doing that as opposed to coming [in] to work hard in an ice cream shop," he said.

Oh poor baby! Is the free market not pulling Mr. Ice Cream up by his bootstraps?

You see, this isn't a Kids These Days story about kids being lazy. It's that the ungrateful little shits would rather earn MORE MONEY for their labor than they would at his joint. They're working! They have looked at their options and decided to go a different route. Lawrence complains that even with Massachusetts's new elegant diamond lobster minimum wage of $14.25 per hour, the kids aren't flocking to work at ye olde ice cream shoppe.

This is all very upsetting.

So what if we just opened up the child labor laws?

DOOCY: So, one of the problems as well is, from your point of view, Mark, is the child labor laws, because there are certain restrictions on who you can hire. If they could change a law to be — you know, so that it's fair for you and fair for the families, how would that look?

LAWRENCE: It's quite simple. A high school student can play sports. They can go to an away game for sports and by the time they get back from their away game, it can be 11:00 at night or later on a school night. However, federal labor laws state that during the school year an employee — a high schooler can only work until 7:00 at night. Well, especially in my business, in the ice cream industry, 7:00 at night is when you're just starting to get rolling.

DOOCY: Yeah, exactly.

LAWRENCE: That would be one of the biggest things.

DOOCY: Sure. That's a great idea.

Can't imagine why there might be a distinction between school activities and labor laws. You know, for minor children who are students.

But look, dude needs some kids to get in here and sling some damn ice cream, he ain't got time for details. We're sure he is also highly encouraging of strong immigration policies that give a pathway to citizenship for people who are already here, maybe they could work at his ice cream shoppe? If not why not?

We must confess that we know little about this dude or his ice cream shoppe, save for the fact that when "Fox & Friends" asked him if he wants to come on TV and bitch and moan he apparently was like "yeah." So that tells us something.

In summary and in conclusion, fuck this guy, the end, OPEN THREAD.

[Fox Business / Media Matters]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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