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REAL pollsters


Dumb people of America, rejoice! You have been having such a hard time understanding why "polls" say "Killary Benghazi Woman" is winning for president, when you and everybody you know are die-hard Trump supporters. How can this even be, when you probably know at least half of the people in America and they all hate Hillary? Oh, meager attempts to tell the REAL story have been made. There's that fun Trump-supporting website, the one that says Trump is the REAL winner of the polls. There's Dead Breitbart's little vanity project, an independent polling operation that intends to do REAL POLLING, and whose first poll shows ... Hillary Clinton winning. OOPS, WHAT FAILURES.

Things are looking pretty hopeless. But good news! There is an app to solve Trump supporters' pathetic problems! It is called the Zip app, and as this report from Tuesday's "Fox & Friends" shows conclusively, it is way more scientific than even dumb old Breitbart's polling thingie. Let's watch as idiot boy Steve Doocy experiences the relief of learning that, on the Zip app, Trump is already president:

STEVE DOOCY: Hillary Clinton tops Donald Trump in the latest national polls, but if you ask voters anonymously who they like, the results are a lot different. And evidence of that can be found through an app called Zip, the question and answer app. [...]

OK, so your results are a lot different than the -- what we see of the RealClearPolitics average. For instance, right now Hillary's up by six or seven, something like that, but I'm going to show folks one of the questions that you put out there on your app. You say, "New polls suggest Trump is getting crushed by Clinton. Do they reflect how you're going to vote?" 81 percent say, "No, Trump is still my man." And about 20 percent say, "Hillary has my vote." Alanna, explain why the answer -- your results are so much different than the polls we've been seeing.

ALANNA MARKEY: Well, first and foremost, Zip is not a poll. It's not positioned as a poll. It's an anonymous conversation that's happening nationwide. And we have users that are over 13 across the U.S., exclusively in the U.S. So because it's conversational we feel like that's why our results are really so accurate and representative of how people are talking.

Alanna has all the people who are over 13, and they are definitely more accurate than know-nothing lamebrains like the New York Times or Fox News or RealClearPolitics or ANYBODY else, all of whom are in the tank for Hillary. And it's true, that IS a question Zip is asking right now:

We are convinced! According to science 84% of Americans are voting for Donald Trump. Is Steve Doocy convinced?

DOOCY: OK.

Hooray, Steve Doocy is convinced! And he's notoriously skeptical of random fact-free claims, so that's pretty big. Somebody else from the Zip app would like to clarify their methodology:

RIC MILITI. It's important to note that everyone who answered these questions are probably over 18. Because that's how it was sent out.

DOOCY: Sure. So you don't know exactly who it is, but nonetheless, you have a pool of 100,000 people you ask these questions of.

MARKEY: Yeah.

Hell yes! Some people who are probably over 18 and might or might not be registered to vote, that is surely better than ...

DOOCY: ... A random poll that somebody might put out there, they might ask 500, 1,000, something like that. So you got lots more people.

Cool, this is just some really good logic these grown-up adults are doing together.

Let's see another science question Zip is asking right now:

According to science, 95% of people are voting for Donald Trump! Goddammit, he is rising in the polls so fast nobody can even keep up, not even the Zip app! Uh oh, though, trouble on the horizon, what is happening here?

OK so we are experiencing confusions. Only 63% of human beings love Donald Trump, whereas 84% or 95% of humans, depending on which Zip question you are answering, are voting for him. How to account for this discrepancy ... hmmmm.

If we go back to the tape, we learn from Ric Militi, the dude from Zip, that we have literally no idea who these users are, and since you get your poll results immediately, they can change all the time. We also know this thing:

MILITI: We know that we are not politically motivated so they're just random people that we got off of mostly Facebook.

Um, pretty sure "Facebook" is an extremely reliable way to find out who is going to win a presidential election, so let's not sell ourselves short, shall we, Zippers? Can we call you "Zippers"?

Regardless of which Zip question we are looking at, we can tell Trump is going to win this election HARD. The only question is by how much? But why are these numbers SO different from the polls, you might ask? Lady Zipper Alanna says that's because everybody is anonymous there, which means secret Trump supporters aren't scared of getting beated up when they declare their love for him, unlike what happens when the lady from Quinnipiac calls your house, you say you love Trump, and the lady from Quinnipiac comes over to your house, kicks your puppy and gives you and your mom both wedgies, FOR NO REASON.

So, now that the science of this is cleared up, can Steve Doocy make a prediction?

DOOCY: OK so if the election were held today, according to the Zip app, Donald Trump would win, according to Alanna and Ric.

Hooray, Trump is the winner, SUCK IT, HILLARY-LOVERS.

Daily users of the Zip app are encouraged to remember that if you've voiced your support for Donald Trump on the app, that means you've already voted, and if you try to go to your polling place, you will be arrested for VOTER FRAUDING.

(That sentence is unverified truth, and also something we made up, but it says it on the internet, so it's probably true!)

[Media Matters]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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