We interrupt our regularly scheduled pandemic and fascist coup to bring you the annual Fox News-sponsored War on the War on Christmas, which is still a thing this year, somehow. You know the War on Christmas is real, of course, because you are a godless liberal who stays up all night before Starbucks debuts its annual holiday-themed cup, and you are first in line to order a coffee drink in one of them, and when the barista asks your name, you say your name is "a drawing of a penis that is making fun of our lord and savior Baby Jesus." You are terrible.

Bobby Lewis over there at Media Matters, he's one of those whose job it is to watch every single fucking second of Fox News every day, and he has a dispatch from the Dec. 9 "Fox & Friends." He wants to be sure we know that yesterday's "Fox & Friends" did not mention that America is having the equivalent of a 9/11 every single day, as people die from the coronavirus Donald Trump's malevolent lack of leadership foisted on this country.

Instead their stories were about ... well ... are you sitting down? Are you able to devote your full attention to the hard and real news that your crazyass rightwing aunts and uncles are watching?

OK well first of all there was a mean Santa in the mall who told a little boy he couldn't give him a Nerf gun for Christmas. The mean Santa told the kid that "If your dad wants to get it for you that's fine, but I can't bring it to you," which actually works out fine, because in case the idiots at "Fox & Friends" have not heard, Santa is not real.

Yeah, well, "Fox & Friends" is UPSET. In this clip, hosts Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt say there is BIG UPDATE on the story and BIG REVEAL, and also HAPPY ENDING! To be clear, this is the absolute very beginning of the show.

BRIAN KILMEADE: According to studies that have recently been done [on Nerf guns], OK, I didn't do any studies! But nothing broke. Including people's noses and fingers!

STEVE DOOCY: But Brian, a little boy's heart broke.

Oh my God.

In that same segment, which was, again, the beginning of the show, they previewed their hard news update on how in St. Anthony, Minnesota, a COVID nurse says she got a mean letter from some concern-trolling asshole who didn't like her Christmas lights. The letter says something something "systemic biases against our neighbors who don't celebrate Christmas or who can't afford to put up lights of their own," and was reportedly also sent to other neighbors with holiday light displays. If it really went down the way Fox News reported it -- always with a grain of salt! -- we are definitely on the side of the COVID nurse, but "Somebody is being an asshole" is neither news nor is it indicative of a wider WAR ON CHRISTMAS.

Earhardt introduced the update on the mean Christmas lights letter person, exclaiming "We all need more lights!" Meanwhile, Kilmeade knew the real meaning of this mean letter:

KILMEADE: That's the mindset that has people looting stores and taking, because you have too much that's not yours, society is not equal, why am I stuck in America, who, you know, why has God forsaken me ...

Wait, WHAT? Reminder: This is a story about an A-hole sending a letter about how they were offended by somebody's holiday light display. But for Brian Kilmeade this is just like those people who do all the looting. And you know what Fox News viewers think when they hear "looting." (They think of Black people.)

Earhardt added her own sage analysis, which is that the letter is bad, and the person who wrote it should feel bad.

Later, they interviewed the little boy from whom the real Santa Claus tried to deny Nerf guns. It appears the BIG REVEAL was that Nerf gave the kid a bunch of Nerf guns. Pete Hegseth, the one with the gross unwashed hands, had thoughts about that, and they were "BAD SANTA" and that the little boy in question is "poised to become a modern warrior" against political correctness. He went on:

HEGSETH: It has the same effect as politicians that try to ban guns. What do you get when you try to ban guns? More people getting more guns. Now he's going to have a full arsenal. Good for Mikey.

A Christmas miracle for the ages!

Hegseth was also mad about the mean Christmas lights letter writer, because in his mind "Christmas lights" mean "Jesus is my personal lord and savior," and the mean letter writer was attacking baby Jesus, which is what all liberals do on Christmas, or something.

Finally, in this segment, Fox Business idiot Charles Payne got very excited that Hasbro's stock prices were up after they gave the kid all the Nerf guns, and explained to the "Fox & Friends" idiots that one time Charles Payne got his son a "machine-gun-type" Nerf gun and his 16-year-old son didn't even care about it but Charles Payne wanted to play with it, the end.

Again, no mention of how around 3,000 Americans per day are dying of COVID-19. It's just liberals murdering baby Jesus in his crib.

Because that's the news, on "Fox & Friends."

It would be hilarious if millions of people didn't actually think this was what the news is supposed to be.

[Media Matters]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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