'Fox & Friends' Sounded Like A Common Joe And Mika This Morning, Except Way More Dumber

Fox News has been LI'L BIT CONFUSED about how to cover Donald Trump's treason meeting with Vladimir Putin. There was a lot of tut-tutting from Fox's daytime journalists (the "real" ones) on Monday, but then it was Double Dipshit Time on Monday night as Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity took over the commentary. Carlson found the real election hackers (brown Mexican people who either move to America and become legal citizens who vote or brown Mexican people who are just born here, as if THAT is allowed!) and declared that Russian meddling is like number 115 on the list of things that threaten America. (The other 114 are the blacks and the Mexicans and the gypsies, because Tucker Carlson is a white supremacist.) Meanwhile, Hannity hosted Donald Trump for some kind of mutual lick-off session where Trump said that Putin had informed him that there was NO COLLUSION. It's good to have a KGB handler who remembers stuff like that!

But even then, there was a hopeful moment! Fox News's Chris Wallace committed an actual act of journalism Monday night when he interviewed Vladimir Putin, going so far as to stick Robert Mueller's indictments in the Russian leader's stupid fucking face and dare him to read them. He even asked Putin why he constantly murders people with poison. GO GET HIM, CHRIS WALLACE!

Usually the next morning's "Fox & Friends" is like Carlson and Hannity's afterbirth, but Tuesday morning was a little bit different! For some reason, Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade and Abby Huntsman were not 100% pleased with Dear Leader's behavior in Helsinki! So they put on their Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski masks and did their best impression of a more dumber version of "Morning Joe," and oh my god it was SO WEIRD. Like, they would be outraged for a second, but then they would immediately compliment him and reassure him that he is a Very Good Boy who won that presidential election fair and square.

Here, watch a video and then we'll throw some quotes at your face:

Unlike the normal "Morning Joe" where Joe constantly interrupts Mika so he can hear himself talk, the Foxes and the Friends took turns saying dumb shit.

Dumb shit like this:

KILMEADE: When President Trump was asked about [election meddling, which DEFINITELY DIDN'T CHANGE ANY VOTES] he fell short!


HUNTSMAN: You're standing next to Vladimir Putin, whose number one goal in life is to undermine our democracy, so it was the one moment where you had to stand up for your own country, to stand up for your intelligence community, and ... he did not do that.

That is correct, Abby Huntsman!

KILMEADE: The president's under the impression, and I dunno why still, that if he says the Russians hacked, it makes his election look illegitimate. I have news for you ...

You have ... news for the president, Brian Kilmeade? And for real, he did! It was fairly Fox-y news, about how Trump did SO GOOD in the election and SO GOOD in the primaries, but that doesn't mean he gets to pretend Russia didn't do anything to fuck with the election:

KILMEADE: Russia's goal was to upend our political process. They hate democracy.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Has the Kremlin signed off on these unkind words about the Kremlin being broadcast on Fox News right now?

Kilmeade added that when such esteemed minds as Newt Gingrich and Matt Schlapp are mildly criticizing the president, that means the president probably did something mildly problematic. But he said Trump could fix this very easily! Moreover, Kilmeade understands that presidenting is T-U-F-F and that it's probably pretty easy to forget that Russia is bad, what with the schedule Trump has had recently:

KILMEADE: Nobody's perfect! Especially 10 intense days of summits, private meetings, and everything that's on his plate. But that moment is the one that's gonna stand out, unless he comes out and corrects it.

And if Trump takes it back, all will be forgiven, of course!

Steve Doocy took the Idiot Talking Stick back from Brian Kilmeade:

DOOCY: A lot of people get confused -- I'm not saying the president's confused!


DOOCY: A lot of people are confused about the Russia collusion thing! There is a big difference between collusion and the meddling. The president says there was no collusion. I mean, he's strident in that, he says it every time. But!


DOOCY: Pretty much everybody and their brother -- except Vladimir Putin -- knows that there was meddling!


As the segment ended, Brian Kilmeade was calling Putin "evil" and mentally masturbating to the idea of Trump getting up in Putin's face and telling him that if Russia meddles again, Trump will "blink the lights" in all of Russia, because that is how you punish Russia for being bad, like BLINK BLINK, MOTHERFUCKER, and we don't fucking know, but we're tired of writing about these morons so THE END.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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