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Has thoughts on alleged kid-touchers.


It's Friday, so let's wallow in the disgusting Roy Moore allegations some more! Senate Republicans, to their credit, are at least saying Roy Moore should step aside IF the allegations are true. We don't know how they plan to find out, but we hear Ted Cruz is driving to Alabama dressed as Inspector Gadget to examine Moore's dick for hard evidence, ALLEGEDLY. Meanwhile, Alabama's elected Republicans are just filthy motherfuckers who say even if the allegations are true, they'd rather send a kid-toucher to the Senate than a dirty Democrat. They are pigs. (To be fair, Alabama's GOP governor and secretary of state don't seem to want to touch Moore with a ten-foot pole.)

Also pigs? Steve Bannon and Fox News, because here's why:

LET'S START WITH STEVE BANNON, SINCE ROY MOORE IS PARTIALLY HIS FAULT.

GOP Senate staffers spent Thursday raging that Steve Bannon, that sentient cocktail of chunky smegma and gin, contributed to this whole shitshow by riling up the mouth-breathing faithful in support of Roy Moore, an unrepentant bigot who thinks he's above ALL THE LAWS, apparently including the ones about not touching kids, ALLEGEDLY. One staffer even called the allegations about Moore yet another "Steve Bannon special."

Well, Bannon has weighed in, saying this is just like when the lying Washington Post published that fake "Access Hollywood" tape of Donald Trump saying he likes to grab them by the pussy:

The Bezos-Amazon-Washington Post that dropped that dime on Donald Trump, is the same Bezos-Amazon-Washington Post that dropped the dime this afternoon on Judge Roy Moore. Now is that a coincidence?” Bannon said in remarks that were reported by CBS News. “That's what I mean when I say opposition party, right? It's purely part of the apparatus of the Democratic Party. They don't make any bones about it. By the way, I don't mind it. I'll call them out every day."

Fuck you, dude.

Of course, it was Breitbart, where Bannon is employed as a listicle blogger, that decided to defend Moore against these allegations even before WaPo had a chance to publish them. What's a little rapey behavior if it means they can take a step toward their nationalist dream of literally destroying America?

AND THEN THERE WAS SEAN HANNITY, BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE WAS SEAN HANNITY.

Gonna just throw a bunch of videos at your face, OK?

Sean Hannity and Fox News legal "analyst" Mercedes Colwin talked about how lying bitches lie about men sexually abusing them just to make money:

HANNITY: Is [lying about sexual assault for money or political reasons] more common than people would think?

COLWIN: OH DEFINITELY. I mean they'll do this for ...

HANNITY: They'll lie to make money.

COLWIN: Oh, undoubtedly. There are individuals that will come forward with these outrageous allegations ...

HANNITY: And that hurts all women that ARE victims.

Oh sweet Jesus. Sean Hannity is concerned about the REAL victims. (The ones Hillary Clinton raped with her Russian uranium stick, probably.) Mercedes Colwin concedes that real victims DO exist, but says they are "few and far between." We guess all those women posting #MeToo statuses on Facebook are getting paid by George Soros.

Hannity talked all day long about the Moore allegations. Here he is on the radio with some British asshole named Katie Hopkins about how it's a sin to bear false witness (it says right there on the Ten Commandments monument Roy Moore kept installing in the Alabammy courthouse building, thus breaking the law), but you should know Hannity is JUST ASKING QUESTIONS about whether Leigh Corfman, the woman Roy Moore allegedly molested when she was 14, is lying. Hopkins is the one with the true #HotTakes about how Corfman is the literal worst. Some samples of her dialogue:

The idea to me that someone comes out, what is it, 38 years later, allegedly, and is suddenly remembering how terribly traumatized she was. If she was stood right next to me now, I would be saying to her, that's not good enough. You've taken this many years to remember how upset you used to be, that is not good enough. You are disappointing as a woman. [...]

I am pointing the finger straight at -- let's just take this one woman that’s been talking about with Roy Moore allegedly -- I am pointing my finger at her, and I'm saying to that woman, you disgust me. You spent 38 years thinking about this before you said anything, now you decide to speak. You disgust me.

Hopkins concludes that women like Corfman are doing HER a "disservice," by creating a climate where women are no fun to work with because they are always lying and saying Roy Moore sexually assaulted them when they were 14.

Here's the segment Hannity got in big trouble mister for. Hannity says a bunch of bullshit about how women falsely accuse men at big corporations (like Fox News?) and big corporations (Fox News?) pay big settlements to make them go away. Then this happens:

HANNITY: How do you possibly tell, know the truth, except -- OK, so the two other girls were older in this case. He was apparently, like, 32, and he dated -- one girl was 18, one girl was 17. They never said he did -- there was no sexual -- there was kissing involved, and then they're saying this one encounter with a 14-year-old --

LYNDA MCLAUGHLIN: And it was consensual --

HANNITY: And consensual, that's true. And there's -- I just -- I don't know how you find out the truth.

AND THUS A TWITTER SPAT ENSUED. As Mediaite explains, CNN's Jake Tapper went apeshit at Hannity for suggesting that molesting a 14-year-old could ever be consensual, and Hannity went apeshit right back at Tapper because "TYPICAL MEDIA MATTERS CNN FAKE NEWS." On his show Thursday night, Hannity bellyached that it was "beyond reprehensible, beyond disgusting, and beyond shameful" that people would ever suggest that a feminist respecter of women like himself would endorse kid-touching. Hannity claims he got lost in the crosstalk and was trying to say the thing with the 18-year-old girl was consensual, and that he simply misspoke. So SHUT UP, JAKE TAPPER.

Mediaite reports that during one of Hannity's commercial breaks, he continued yelling at "FAKE JAKE" on Twitter. However, Tapper eventually decided to try to smooth things over and give Hannity the benefit of the doubt this one time, not that Hannity deserves it:

Hannity initially responded, "You should. U can learn a lot." (Apparently Jake Tapper needs to "learn a lot" about Seth Rich murder conspiracies and Hillary's uraniums.) But then he decided AW SHUCKS, Fake Jake had shown him grace, so he could show it back:

And thus concluded the stupidest Twitter fight ever.

Wonkette can accept that maybe Hannity really did mis-speak. He's still a piece of shit, though, so fuck him.

AND THEN THERE IS MORE FOX NEWS, BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE IS MORE FOX NEWS.

Rapid-fire, because we don't have all day.

Hooray, it's Ann Coulter on Fox News, saying it's cool that Roy Moore liked to date kids, because back in his day, all the adult men walked uphill both ways in the snow and ice to school to find kids to date:

Hooray, it's Gregg Jarrett on Fox News, saying we probably shouldn't believe this woman because it came from a suspicious news source, which is what syphilitic anal abscesses who watch Fox think of real news outlets like the Washington Post. This happened on Hannity, because duh of course it did:

And finally, here is some trashfire named David Wohl on Fox News, saying we shouldn't believe this woman because ... oh fuck it, you need the transcript for this one, which we are gleefully copy/pasting from Media Matters:

MARTHA MACCALLUM (HOST): David, you’re defending Roy Moore in this situation?

DAVID WOHL: Well look, the timing of these allegations, one month before the election, makes them highly suspect. I mean, let me get this straight. These acts allegedly took place in 1979 and her first disclosure is 38 years later not to law enforcement but to a newspaper that has endorsed Roy Moore's opponent and is hell-bent on taking him down. I'm sorry, the credibility is completely zero. Mr. Trump -- President Trump went through this same thing during the election. Three maybe four women made outrageous allegations.

MACCALLUM: Yeah, but they weren’t 14-year-old girls.

WOHL: One was, one said it happened when she was 13. She didn’t show up at her press conference and mysteriously dismissed her complaint against him shortly thereafter. I mean she, the girl also admits, Martha, during this time that she was suffering from drug addiction, alcohol abuse. She was basically incorrigible.

Sorry, we missed the memo about Trump's accusers not being credible. In fact, we tend to believe every word they say!

As to Wohl saying Leigh Corfman "admits ... during this time that she was suffering from drug addiction, alcohol abuse" and "was basically incorrigible," he can go fuck himself in the ass with a rolled up copy of the Washington Post, because if he actually READ THE FUCKING ARTICLE, he would know Corfman said those problems happened later in life, partially set in motion by what Moore allegedly did to her. Moreover, she says much of the fucking reason she didn't come forward before was because of ASSHOLES LIKE THIS GUY, who will seize on literally any excuse to not believe the woman, and instead believe the alleged kid-toucher.

Wonkette, you have to stop, you're going to give yourself a heart attack.

But we haven't even gotten to the part about how Erick Erickson took a break from fucking goats to write about how he understands why yokel Alabamians would still support a child molester, because they're under attack by people who are forcing them at gunpoint to frost cakes for homosexuals!

Seriously, though, Wonkette. You still have to write about the hot new Michael Flynn revelations, and it is Friday, and you would like to start your weekend on time.

Fair enough. Hi, tall, dork and handsome Chris Hayes from MSNBC, would you please remind everybody what this is all about?

Thank you, Chris Hayes.

This post is now over, because everything is terrible and we are fucking going to lunch.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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