IN MEMORIAM: Fox News Dumps Todd Starnes Like An Overflowing Piss Jar

Fox News has ended its employment of Todd Starnes, the rightwing idiot who turned imaginary victimization of good conservative Christians by mean liberals into a fairly successful career as a pundit. The Wrapreports today that Starnes "will no longer be working at the network, its website, or its premium subscription service, Fox Nation." That has to come as a serious letdown to all 29 or so subscribers.

Fox hasn't said why Starnes was let go, although The Wrap notes his shitcanning (or piss-hosing) comes just days after he said on his Fox Radio program that Democrats do not worship the Christian God, and in fact are probably devotees of the demonic god Moloch. Starnes was riffing on Nancy Pelosi's statement that Dems should approach the impeachment of Donald Trump with a "prayerful" attitude, observing that no one should assume Pelosi meant Democrats were "praying to God [...] I'm not quite sure." He also said that if Trump were removed from office, then little would stop Democrats from "going after Christians," a constant theme for him.

The timing may just be coincidental however, since "Democrats hate God" isn't a particularly out-of-character thing for Starnes to say. Was he rubbing his grotty little privates all over the control room window, maybe? It would be irresponsible not to speculate wildly.

Starnes was never more than a noncommissioned officer in the Culture Wars, but he sure tried. Back in 2014, Starnes popularized a story about a mean lunch monitor who allegedly told a little girl in a Florida kindergarten that she wasn't allowed to pray. The brave little girl supposedly told the mean lady, "but praying is good," and the lunch monitor supposedly replied, "no, it's not." The whole story was based on a now-deleted YouTube video posted by the girl's father, but he was remarkably vague on the details. An investigation by the school district found there was no evidence the event ever happened. Oh, yes, and in one heck of a coincidence, the outraged father of the oppressed Christian tyke just happened to be the head of the Christian publishing house that was preparing to release Starnes's book, God Less America: Real Stories From the Front Lines of the Attack on Traditional Values. So maybe it never happened, but that doesn't matter, because if Democrats had their way, it sure WOULD.

Along similar lines, Starnes in 2013 published a Fox News story (now vanished, like pee in rain) falsely claiming a public school in Georgia had banned Christmas cards, the school was flooded with angry calls and emails from Good Christians who were certain the godless heathens at the school had napalmed baby Jebus in the War on Christmas. Nobody got shot, so no harm, no foul.

Starnes had a knack for saying dumb things. When Michael Moore said it was weird to lionize rightwing icon Chris Kyle, the American Sniper dude, as a great Christian American Hero, Starnes said, "I suspect Jesus would tell that God-fearing, red-blooded American sniper, 'Well done, thou good and faithful servant for dispatching another Godless jihadist to the lake of fire.'" That's where all Muslims go, you know, along with their Moloch-worshiping Democrat buddies. When the Supreme Court overturned the Defense of Marriage Act, Starnes fretted, "How long before federal agents haul pastors out of the pulpit?" and "Won't be long before they outlaw the Bible as hate speech." And when Obama's Justice Department sued to overturn North Carolina's You Must Pee Where God Said You Have To bill, Starnes launched a stream of steaming bathroom jokes that splattered all over Twitter.

In 2015, Starnes praised Donald Trump's surely massive penis, explaining that in an age when American leadership has been emasculated (by Barack Obama, probably), Trump was "surging in the polls" because "Americans want leaders with man-parts big enough to do the right thing. When Democrats invited Dreamers to be their guests at Trump's 2018 State of the Union address, Starnes urged Trump to fill the gallery with ICE to show up and "arrest every illegal alien in the House chamber - live on national television."

It's unclear what Starnes plans to do with himself now, although we imagine a self-produced online "radio" show and continued grifting are likely. Starnes couldn't do much worse than the already terrible title of his crappy Fox Radio show, "Fox News & Commentary," or his clever Fox Nation show, "Starnes Country." Maybe he could call his new endeavor the "Starnes National Commentary and News Program," or just "Democrats Want To Kill You."

We bet he'll be just fine, the evil lying fucker. Now it is your open stream. Thread. Whatever.

[The Wrap]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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