Fox News Still Stupidest, The Worst: Awful New Abortion Laws Edition!


America is slouching further toward Gilead after a recent flood of forced-birth laws. Even televangelist and renowned hurricane slayer Pat Robertson is concerned. He's afraid Alabama's crazy new law goes "too far." Robertson doesn't give a crap about women, but it concerns him that a doctor who "commits abortion" could wind up in jail for 99 years. That's almost longer than you sit around in the waiting room before a physical appointment. He also (perhaps pessimistically) believes the case isn't the right one to challenge Roe v. Wade because it's so extreme it'll get slapped down by the Supreme Court. This will tragically doom women to the tyranny of bodily autonomy.

But while cranky old Pat is picking lemons, Fox News's usual gang of idiots -- that's a Mad Magazine reference, Pete -- are making lemonade. Tucker Carlson thinks we're focusing too much on women giving birth against their will. Why isn't anyone pointing out that they're also becoming parents against their will? Why, even an 11-year-old rape victim is eligible for the blue ribbon parenthood prize! Abortion supporters are apparently monsters who can't see the upside in anything.

Don't bother watching, but here you go, for posterity:

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States rights proponent Tucker Carlson was appalled that some random Brooklyn hipsters would dare have an opinion on Alabama's oppressive laws. We've been through this. The South is our home, but when it's allowed to govern without adult supervision, you end up with slavery and segregation. Republicans claim to hate "anti-Semitic tropes," but deriding "Brooklyn" for imposing its commie will on Southern "values" is a particularly repulsive one.

Carlson insists that the "legal reasoning behind Roe v. Wade is a joke." He's not a lawyer but he can recognize a joke whenever he looks in a mirror. Beside, "pro-choice legal scholars" agree with him "in private" -- like anyone would spend time with Tucker Carlson in private. Unfortunately, uppity women have made it so that no one dares criticize Roe v. Wade in "public," except for the entire Republican Party.

CARLSON: So, this is the modern Democratic orthodoxy.

What he's about to say will not in fact reflect modern Democratic orthodoxy.

CARLSON: If you love women, you will encourage them to kill their own offspring.

No one does this.

CARLSON: If you acknowledge that children are sacred, that being a parent is honorable and necessary, and maybe even more meaningful than a trip to Ibiza this summer, then you, sir, are an oppressor. You hate women.

Carlson, a child rape apologist, doesn't like it when liberals accuse him of misogyny. However, we think someone might hate women just a little if he believes they choose to have abortions simply because their pregnancy conflicts with a trip to Spain. This once again raises the question of why people who believe women are psychopaths would want these psychopaths to become mothers. Also, few people in Alabama could afford to mail a post card to Spain let alone fly off there for spring break.

But Carlson scoffs at the notion that abortion is an "economic issue," because he apparently thinks children are self-sustaining. Without Roe v. Wade, women would finally be "free" to be mothers without worrying their pretty little heads about "jobs." This clown has a hard-on for a world where women are wholly dependent upon men for their continued survival. He can't condemn abortion without revealing his seething resentment for modernity in general and women's liberation specifically.

All this misguided lady freedom might explain why US birth rates are plunging like the Dow. Patrice Onwuka of the conservative Independent Women's Forum warned the hosts of "Fox & Friends" today that at this rate we might just run out of people!

Fox host suggests abortion bans are a policy solution to America's declining birth rates

BRIAN KILMEADE (CO-HOST): All right, the nation's birth rate reaching the lowest number in three decades. The CDC also reporting a drop in fertility rates, meaning there are not enough babies being born.
ONWUKA: I think you are seeing, number one, a change in norms. So women are considering when, how, and even if they want to give birth.

Oh no!

ONWUKA: So when we have these norms changes, we have increases in abortions, we have increases in contraceptive uses, then it means that we've got a population that's just not sustainable.

That's right! Everyone needs to raw dog for the survival of the species. Onwuka called out right-wing punching bag Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for her diabolical suggestion that we carefully consider when and if we have children. Apparently, any reasonable discussion or planning beyond cute baby names is a rejection of God's will.

ONWUKA: So I would love to see a national campaign that says, hey, if you want to have kids, you should.

Hey, that would be great! We never knew you could just have children whenever you wanted! Look, Alabama has a poverty rate of almost 20 percent, and Georgia isn't far behind. These states are broke-ass already, so it's really hard to see how more unplanned and unwanted childbirths will improve matters. In fact, newsflash, Robyn wrote it up just this morning: It won't.

Finally, anti-abortion advocate Kristan Hawkins turned up on "The Story with Martha MacCallum" and tried to rationalize a civilized nation forcing women who've been raped to carry the resulting pregnancy to term. She also does that gross thing where abortion foes try to compare Roe v. Wade to legal abominations like Dred Scott.

HAWKINS: Look, Roe v Wade is going to become a historical footnote in our country -- just another tragedy that we silently sat by and allowed [to] happen when we allowed the courts, once again, to rule that a group of persons were less deserving of equal protection under the law. And while I know this is a difficult subject to talk about when we speak about rape and the women who have endured this -- who have suffered horrifically from rape. But the reality is that your humanity doesn't change based on the circumstances of your conception.

Oh, fuck you, lady.

[ Media Matters]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins is playing NOW at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo. All Wonketters welcome.

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

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