Fake Durham Scandal Would Be Good Time For Media To Learn How To Say 'Fox News Is F*cking Lying'

If you haven't been snorting powdered sugar and bath salts off Fox News's crack the past couple days, you might be completely unaware that Special Counsel John Durham, the assclown that former Attorney General Bill Barr hired to gin up some Obamagate scandals about the origins of the Russia investigation, made a filing that all the wingnuts are excited about. Donald Trump is screaming about the crime of the century and rightwing media is saying they have the smoking gun that Hillary Clinton infiltrated the Trump campaign and spied on it.

And nobody is paying any attention.

Why is everybody else devoting zero minutes to BOMBSHELL?

Jesse Watters is hosting Senate's Dumbest Republican Ron Johnson and running chyrons that say "CLINTON FRAMED TRUMP."

Sean Hannity is reporting that Hillary Clinton's campaign literally hacked the Trump campaign's servers and "stole material," and also hacked the literal office of the president of the United States. "That is exactly what the Clinton campaign did," said Hannity. "This is the biggest spying scandal EVER," said Hannity, to his guest at the time, who was Eric Trump, who appeared to be almost in tears. (It's worth noting this is all coming out at the same time as news that the Trump Organization's longtime accounting firm just broke up with them and started openly fucking Pete Davidson. If your last name is Trump, you're going through some things right now.)

Laura Ingraham is claiming the Clinton campaign "paid a tech company to surreptitiously monitor servers at Trump Tower and even in the executive offices of the president," in order to "mine the servers for dirt" and "use it to peddle the phony Russia collusion narrative."

Tucker Carlson reported, with a graphic that said "INFILTRATING TRUMP," that tech nerds "intercepted internet traffic, that is emails, presumably text messages" from the Trump campaign, to get Hillary Clinton elected.

So, WHOA IF TRUE, and if it is true, we ask again, WHY IS EVERYBODY ELSE SPENDING ZERO MINUTES reporting on BOMBSHELL?

Literally all of these people are fucking liars, and they get away with it because they know their viewers couldn't find John Durham's filing on the internet if somebody was holding a gun to their head and saying they get to eat dinner at a combination Cracker Barrel and Olive Garden TONIGHT if they can find "filing."

Wonkette's Liz Dye explained Monday just how loopy and stupid Durham's allegations are. They're highly technical, and the reactions from lawyers and tech people he vaguely accuses of whatever the hell he's accusing them of sound a bit to us like teenagers saying "bless your heart" to their Boomer grandparents who can't find a channel called "Netflix" in the print edition of TV Guide. We think it's because the allegations are so loopy that Fox News is finding such success just lying about them. Who has the patience to read through this arglebargle and find out?

Well, Wonkette did. And in its simplest form, it's a bunch of smoke and mirrors that hinges on magical thinking about an imaginary universe where everybody in DC in 2016 did not know that the law firm of Perkins Coie represented the DNC and the Clinton campaign. We really don't want to type out the rest of it in this post, but click here if you want to dive in.

And as Matthew Gertz from Media Matters points out on Twitter, the answer to the question of why the media wasn't reporting on it was that they were actually looking into the weirdass loopy story to find out if it was bullshit, and it turned out that surprise, it was bullshit.

The problem, of course, is that the media is having that little problem it has sometimes where it can't bring itself to say the words "bullshit" or "Fox News is just fucking lying as usual."

So we're getting tweets like this that say words like "wildly unfounded."

And we're getting tweets like this, that include words like "alarmist" and "byzantine."

Oh no, New York Times! Their "narrative," it is "off track"?

The article about that "flawed" narrative is just amazing in the lengths it goes to to avoid saying the words "fucking full of shit Fox News liars."

The "narrative appeared to be mostly wrong or old news," it says, of the fucking lies Fox News and others are spreading.

"Upon close inspection, these narratives are often based on a misleading presentation of the facts or outright misinformation," it says, using a whole bunch more words to avoid the words "they're just lying."

"They also tend to involve dense and obscure issues," it says, "so dissecting them requires asking readers to expend significant mental energy and time — raising the question of whether news outlets should even cover such claims." That's basically what we said above about how Durham's shit is dumb and loopy and stupid, and it's indeed the challenge here.

The Times says there are "many problems" with these next two grafs:

Citing this filing, Fox News inaccurately declared that Mr. Durham had said he had evidence that Hillary Clinton’s campaign had paid a technology company to “infiltrate” a White House server. The Washington Examiner claimed that this all meant there had been spying on Mr. Trump’s White House office. And when mainstream publications held back, Mr. Trump and his allies began shaming the news media.

“The press refuses to even mention the major crime that took place,” Mr. Trump said in a statement on Monday. “This in itself is a scandal, the fact that a story so big, so powerful and so important for the future of our nation is getting zero coverage from LameStream, is being talked about all over the world.”

Does the Times say the main problem with all those lies is that they are LIEFUCKINGLIES? It does not. It uses words like "skewed" and "contrary to the reporting" and we don't know what else because we fell asleep.

And so here we are again, watching the lies bounce halfway around the world while the truth is over here lacing up its boots with its thumb up its ass writing think pieces about how on second thought Hillary Clinton's emails maybe ARE the most important thing in the world.

Rinse and repeat forever.

[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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