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You know Fox News Judge Andrew Napolitano? He's the one with the hair who used to be pretty insane, but these days, he's like "Yeah, I admit I did go to law school and I can't just pretend to be bugfuck anymore." He's also the one Shep Smith (the sane one) and Tucker Carlson (R-Left White Hood At Cleaners Before He Beat Up Gay Dude In Bathroom) were fighting about last week!

Well now Napolitano has gone and done a thing. He wrote on the Fox News website that Donald Trump's activities are big old nasty stinky impeachable crimes, IMPEACH, IMPEACH, IMPEACH! (This is also why Tucker Carlson was so MEOW HISS! at Napolitano last week, because Napolitano was calling Trump's crimes crimes.)

Napolitano starts with the question: "Has Trump committed any impeachable offenses?" He follows with the answer: GIRL LET ME TELL YOU.


A CIA agent formerly assigned to the White House – and presently referred to as the "whistleblower" – reported a July 25, 2019 telephone conversation that Trump had with Ukraine's President Volodymyr Zelensky. That conversation manifested both criminal and impeachable behavior.

The criminal behavior to which Trump has admitted is much more grave than anything alleged or unearthed by Special Counsel Robert Mueller, and much of what Mueller revealed was impeachable.

You thought the Mueller Report was bad, and that Donald Trump should have been shot back to his garbage palace in a cannon for all those crimes? This is worse, Napolitano is saying.

Napolitano's next question: "What has Trump admitted?" Napolitano's answer: WHAT HAS HE NOT ADMITTED? (And this was before Trump said 'GINA IF YOU'RE LISTENING! yesterday morning on the White House lawn.)

The whistleblower's revelation caused the White House to release a near-verbatim summary of the conversation between the two presidents. By releasing it, Trump has admitted to its accuracy. In it, Trump asked Zelensky for dirt on former Vice President Joe Biden, who at this writing is Trump's likely Democratic opponent in the 2020 presidential election.

Trump also admits to holding up $391 million in aid to Ukraine – $250 million in the purchase of already approved and built military hardware and $141 million in a congressionally authorized grant. This is aid that Trump's own secretaries of state and defense, his own director of national intelligence and director of the CIA, and his own National Security Council unanimously asked him to release.

Trump has also admitted to accusing the as-yet publicly unnamed whistleblower of treason, and suggesting that the whistleblower and those who have helped him are spies and ought to be treated as spies were in "the old days" (Trump's phrase) – that is, by hanging.

The president's allusions to violence are palpably dangerous. They will give cover to crazies who crave violence, as other intemperate words of his have done. His words have already produced offers of "bounties" in return for outing and finding the whistleblower.

Trump also suggested that his impeachment would produce a second American Civil War. This language is a dog whistle to the deranged.

We are block quoting a lot of Napolitano's words, because we like to report Fox News wisdom words verbatim, instead of accidentally committing Paraphrase Treason like a common Adam Schiff. Also, because this is on the Fox News website, and that is great.

Napolitano continues by giving Fox News readers a little history of the Russian war against Ukraine and explains why American aid is so vital, in order that they might have the context to understand why extorting the new Ukrainian president to meddle in the 2020 election to hurt Joe Biden and help Trump in exchange for the military aid Ukraine needs to survive the war is so ... what's the legal term? ... ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP.

Then he explains a few more legal concepts like:

1. Asking foreign countries to give your campaign contributions of any kind -- which includes manufactured dirt on your opponent -- is illegal and bad.

2. Bribery is illegal and bad.

3. Intimidating witnesses is illegal and bad.

And then Napolitano concludes:

For heaven's sake, Trump was just investigated by Mueller for two-and-a-half tumultuous years for allegedly bringing the Russian government into the 2016 election and now he has attempted in one phone call to bring the Ukrainian government into the 2020 election! Does he understand the laws he has sworn to uphold?

It was to remedy just such reckless, constitutionally destructive behavior that impeachment was intended.

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, he is saying!

IMPEACH. THE. MOTHERFUCKER. ALREADY.

When Fox News is right, it's right!

The end.

[Fox News]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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