Fox News Keeps America Up To Date On Everything But Impeachment
Fox News has met the challenge of covering Donald Trump's impeachment trial with its usual aplomb. Mostly by not covering the trial at all, because on Wednesday at least it was just boring old Democrats saying terrible things about Donald Trump, and what Fox viewer wanted to see that? Wednesday morning, The "Fox & Friends" crew advised viewers to just not bother watching the trial at all, because SO BORING and you wouldn't want to go getting any information on you that hasn't been filtered by Fox.
Steve Doocy let viewers know they could rely on Fox to show them snippets of "the good stuff," proclaimed the proceedings "unbelievably boring," and added, "I don't know how people can follow it." Because it's so very complex, unlike the wacky conspiracy theories Fox pushes. Pete Hegseth said he'd exclaimed to his wife that Tuesday's debate on witnesses and evidence was "a circus," but then she corrected him, adding that "at least circuses are entertaining." Worse, now America has "three days to endure of the House managers, the Democrats, making their case," and oh God, how will we ever survive it? Ainsley Earhardt made clear there's no need for viewers to torment what's left of their attention spans, thank heavens: "I don't think the majority of people watched. I think they just turn to us to be able to summarize it for them, because it was so long."
The Fox viewers had their marching orders -- or their couch-potatoing orders -- and the network did all it could to tell people to stay away, with anchors repeatedly warning the trial might bore them to death or even sound like "a graduate course in boring mathematics or something." Ugh. NO THANK YOU!
Fox News did at least run a video feed of the trial on its YouTube channel, but by the evening "opinion block" of programming, the network's on-air programming had given up, showing video of the trial in a muted window while the yakkers yakked. And while the MyPillow ads ran.
Greg Gutfeld even explained that the entire reason Donald Trump is being impeached is that he's "phenomenally interesting" and fun, while Democrats are dull and boring. We would share the video if it were shareable, damn you, Daily Beast.
Why actually watch the real trial when you could get the really important news, like DEMS IN DISARRAY and a very important something-or-other putting Joe Scarborough in his place? Also, Hunter Biden!
Tucker Carlson, as is contractually required, got weird. Did you know that crazy Adam Schiff claimed that if Donald Trump isn't impeached, the Russians will invade? (Fox gave that one an entire story without once mentioning Schiff was quoting one of the witnesses in the House hearings.)
After that, Carlson very apologetically showed "pornographic" clips of other network anchors, who he said must have been having sexual orgasms of lusty sexiness in their pants over Schiff's arguments. Not that Carlson showed any of those actual arguments.
They were too deep in bliss. To the mouth-breathers on cable television, an Adam Schiff speech is like a brainstem massage, surging waves of ecstasy flood the central nervous system. Linear thought ceases. All that's left are satisfied grunts of pleasure.
Wow, Tucker, thanks for sparing us the weird sexual imagery, then. He followed the clips with an apology to "any viewers under 18 who may have just watched that. It was obviously pornographic and not suitable for children."
Was there more? Of course! There was Sean Hannity presenting "hours and hours of Schiff" -- GET IT -- suitably reframed for a Two Minutes' Hate:
But again, he made clear that nobody should be watching at all because Fox News Loves You and will not bore you with the details.
So instead, Fox viewers got the 24 hours of never-ending babbling and repetitive talking points they like. Hooray, America wins!
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.