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Controls Google too, apparently.


There is a terrible problem on the Googles that we need to tell you about. Or rather, Fox News needs to tell you about it. OK, are you sitting down? Good. So, as we all know, because of various Geocities websites over the past two decades, Hillary and Bill Clinton murder ALL THE PEOPLE. Like, it is so many that the Clinton body-counting people cannot even move beads on their abacus machines fast enough to catch up. There is also a place in Mississippi called the Clinton Body Shop. Their website says they take "pride in perfection," and two of their Google reviews say they do perfection, whereas two of their other reviews say they do IMPERFECTION. We don't know, they probably do a great job, and those people just hatin'.

Regardless, dimwitted shitstain conspiracy theorist Alex Jones #exposed Google, by proving they have screwed with their algorithm so that if you search for "Clinton body," you do not get a list of dead bodies, but rather a place to get the dings and scratches taken out of your Taurus. WHY IS GOOGLE IN THE TANK FOR HILLARY AND ALSO FOR THE CLINTON BODY SHOP? Look, here is the Alex Jones picture of what is obviously really truly happening:

Why do only Bing and Yahoo! searchers get to find out about Hillary murdering folks, whereas Googlers only get to find out where to get dents doctored, in several Mississippi towns, apparently? CONSPIRA-GHAZI!!!!11!!!!!1!

You are not convinced, but Fox News was convinced, because they eat paint for breakfast:

Google is being accused of hiding negative stories about Hillary and her campaign by changing its algorithm to bury stories like the Clinton Body Count.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/605796/wingnut-conspiracies-about-hillary-clintons-ailing-health-debunked-by-jar-of-pickles"></a>[/wonkbar]That is not a "story," Fox News. That is a thing for people who live in their mom's basements and wear tinfoil hats, who are scared of FEMA camps, and who keep their be-cheetoed fingers in their buttholes at all times. Fox News might reply, "distinction without a difference," but we at Wonket have higher standards. Remember how we were talking the other day about how wingnuts have this weird tendency to overreach when it comes to Hillary, to the point they don't even know how insane they sound? Just saying. Moving on:

That's according to website InfoWars ...

Yes, yes, it is.

If a user types in "Clinton body," they get car repair shop results, instead of a story that talks about a list of people tied to the Clintons who have died under mysterious circumstances ...

Blah blah blah. Fox News apparently Googled it theirselves, and in their own results, they got something about the Clinton Body Count AND ALSO things for repair shops:

Huh! So if you are Alex Jones, Google wants you to fix that dent on your car. If you are Fox News, it will give you ONE thing about Hillary "Murdery The Clown" Clinton, and a bunch of places to get your PT Cruiser fixed up purty. THE CONSPIRACY DEEPENS????

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/605809/andrea-tantaross-lawsuit-against-fox-news-is-omg-wtf-insane"></a>[/wonkbar]The Fox News lady (don't know her name, will look it up as soon as she sues the network for sexual harassment) says if you search for Bernie Sanders or Donald Trump, you get good, bad AND Fair 'n' Balanced stories about them. Only Evil Crooked Hillary gets away with literal murder, probably because Google engineers are hard at work hiding all the bodies just as soon as she makes 'em.

So, what shall we do with this information? Oh, haha, because we are not a bag of squirrel-dicked brain giblets like the average Fox viewer or InfoWars devotee, and we do not believe everything we hear, we'll ask Google to see what's what:

Fuck yes, Wonket scores the jackpot! We get to learn about Killary Billary's headless corpses, get our Wonke-Volvo buffed, waxed and sexxxed up, and we get to look at Hillary's body language too! It is probably the same body language she is using when she is DOING DEATH TO PEOPLE.

How many days until the election again? 75, is the answer. Usually that gives us comfort, but when Hillary is elected, this shit is just going to get even more bozo-bonkers, and we all get to endure it, together.

UNLESS HILLARY KILLS US ALL, FOR #JOKES.

[Crooks & Liars]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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