Poor thing had to be physically carried to her La-Z-Boy afterward, probably.


Oh dear, it sounds like all the #rumors and conspiracy theories about poor Hillary Clinton's ailing health were true! We've been hearing for months that the Oldy McOldenstein who calls herself "Hillary" has Down syndrome, Parkinson’s, brain damage, and that moreover, she can't even make it up the stairs without being carried up by her Secret Service agents, who have camouflaged syringes they use to reboot her when her software fails, also too. Even worse than that, SOURCES SAY Hillary is too weak to even do surreptitious lesbionic sex to Huma Abedin these days, bless her heart. Did you guys also hear that she is a woman? How dare that power-hungry lady try to be president when her body is obviously falling apart?

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/605279/what-is-hillary-clinton-dying-from-today"></a>[/wonkbar]Well, we didn't believe all that shit, because we are in the tank and corporate sell-outs, but now the American Mirror, a conservative website that exists, has released a DAMNING video of Hillz campaigning in Scranton with Old Handsome Joe Biden. At the beginning, Hillary falls out of a limo, promptly slips on the slippery summer asphalt, and breaks her hip. Determined to get her photo op, she drags her body, which is bleeding out, up the stairs to meet the people who live at Joe Biden's childhood home. She gives them all the Zika virus, which is highly dangerous for Olds, but hey, it's not like Monster Hillary is going to take a day off before she achieves world domination. At the end of the video, we see the Secret Service propping Hillary up in the kitchen and making her mouth move and say words, while a team of doctors from Johns Hopkins replaces every single one of her body parts.

Watch the NSFW video here, right now!

Holy motherfucking fiddlesticks, did you guys SEE THAT? RIP Hillary, too bad the election has to be canceled, because you are probably dead now. Wait, you DID NOT SEE IT? Here, let the American Mirror explain what they saw, with their syphilitic eyes:

Hillary Clinton sought out the stability of just about anything during a visit to Joe Biden’s Scranton, Pennsylvania boyhood home.

Video from Clinton’s appearance showed her grasping for a railing, a chair and the kitchen table on Monday.

Standing outside the home, Clinton embraced the owner with one arm while holding onto the railing on the front walk. Moments later, she pivoted — and grabbed the railing with the other hand.

Then she pivoted back, only to reach for the railing again with the other hand.

Inside the house, she held onto a chair and moved to lean on the kitchen table.

Oh. Raise your hands if you don't always know what to do with your hands and you occasionally rest them somewhere. Keep them raised if you are running for president and beating the shitfire out of Donald Trump (who has tested positive for EVERYTHING, according to something we saw on internets), and also you are really tired and sometimes like to just fuckin' lean on something. Uh oh, Hillary, you fit that description, stop raising your hands, for you will surely die of a broken torso or maybe dysentery if you keep your hands raised like that!

So, if you still can't decide who to trust -- Wonkette or some wingnut website run by a cheesedick named "Kyle Olson," what a hard decision -- here are screengrabs of Hillary's injuries:

The smoking gun proving Hillary's failing health? Or some douchenozzle named "Kyle Olson," whose mom is probably so embarrassed he came out of her vagina that one time? We report, you pick the obvious answer, which is the sad thing about "Kyle."

[The American Mirror]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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