Frist's Greatest Fear: REVEALED!
Bill Frist: Well, George, this is the first I've heard about it. I really am surprised about it, because Russ is just wrong. He is flat wrong. He is dead wrong.
And as I was listening to it, I was hoping deep inside that the leadership in Iran and other people who really have the U.S. not in their best interests are not listening because of the terrible -- the terrible -- signal it sends.
We go live to Iran, after the jump:
[It is after midnight in Tehran. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sits awake, watching the television, in an otherwise darkened room. One of his flunkies enters the room, and surprised to see the President, turns on a light.]
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Ahh, my eyes!
Flunkie: I'm sorry to bother you, your excellency. Why are you still up?
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Agh. You just surprised me. Come in, come in. I didn't mean to make you worry. I'm just watching the television.
Flunkie: You're...watching CSPAN?
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: That's right. I'm watching their coverage of the United States Senate.
Flunkie: What for?
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: I'm waiting...for a SIGNAL.
Flunkie: A signal?
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: That's right. A...SIGNAL. My advisers tell me that their Russ Feingold--the Zionist scum from Wisconsin--home of the most delicious infidel scum cheese you or I shall ever devour in our lifetimes, is about to introduce a measure to censure their President.
Flunkie: Really? How is that a signal?
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: If he goes through with it, it will be a...SIGNAL. It will be a powerful sign that my decision to oppose the United States, deny the Holocaust, freak out at the Danes for their cartoons, and generally support terrorism is correct. This will bring me enormous comfort.
Flunkie: Really? It will be a signal for all that?
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: It could mean. Nothing else.
Flunkie: Okay...but here's my question. I've spent my whole life being thoroughly indoctrinated in bizarre,
Wahhabist claptrap [Ed: Or whatever the equivalent is, ya fuckin' geeks.] Right now, there's no room in my brain for me to even question any other worldview than the crazy one that's been forced down my throat. the truth is, every time I even wonder to myself whether we might in some small way be wrong, I experience the sensation akin to a thousand electric eels attaching themselves to my genitals and simultaneously exploding with the fury of a million suns.
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: You have been indoctrinated well.
Flunkie: Third in my class. My question though, is, given the fact that the force by which we cling to our insane beliefs could charitably be called "fucking batshit", how does it follow that we require a signal, let alone one that is presumed to be buried deeply in the ostensibly anti-Islamofascist statements made by America's Democratic party.
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: You do not see the signals?
Flunkie: Uhm, I'm thinking back to the overwhelming support for the War in Iraq, the overwhelmbing support for the Patriot Act, the vehemence with which they fought the Dubai ports deal, and the fact that if a Democrat has any hope of winning the White House, that candidate will have to do nothing less than exhume the body of Muhammed and take a crap on it.
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: So...the Democrats don't bring you aid and comfort?
Flunkie: Uhm, not really. I am comforted, as I said before, when the eels do not come for my testicles.
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Well, perhaps it is because you are not astute as I am. I can listen to these Democrats and divine a clear message that aids and comforts me.
Flunkie: Well, if it's true that you can listen to Democrats and divine any kind of clear message, than truly you are the most magical and amazing motherfucker walking the face of the earth.