FUCK YOU I'M DRUNK
Hey, what's up, 2:30 a.m.? Democrats won the House (with some fucking SWEET pickups, Sharice Davids HIIIIII!) barely? By the skin of our teeth? At this moment, that's a 25-seat pickup when John Boehner's "grassroots" Tea Party crew (LOL) had a pickup of SEVEN THOUSAND seats out of 435? Cool cool. We won the House and we don't have to move to Canada hardly at all.
In the morning, we'll have some good news for you. There is good news, in a lot of places, and we don't even have to resort to dogcatcher, route 5, New Mexico, to bring it to you. But a whole fucking lot of us were expecting the 500 percent increase in youngs, and one million percent increase in MAD NASTY WOMEN, to show the world, and ourselves, that America doesn't hate us and want us to die. That given the INSANE push to get EVERYONE VOTING, we would properly whomp that dick and his craven enablers. We were expecting VINDICATION from the polls, and instead, it's just ... a midterm, and a middling one, from the looks of it, here at 12:30 "mountain time," if that even exists. MY, that smarts!
You need to take a break from "politics"? I don't blame you. Just check back in tomorrow. It's our own fault for thinking we had chances in places like Texas and Georgia*, just because the people we had running there were smart and kind and empathetic and educated and everyone loved them, and the people they had running there were Ted Cruz and the actual offspring of a Hills Have Eyes kid and his mother-sister-grandma-aunt.
Ron DeSantis -- Rick? Whatever your name is, I am talking to you.
*Georgia, you get a fuck of an asterisk, I mean GODDAMN.
Maybe in the morning it will be a much better scene. Maybe we'll clean up in Orange County, California -- sure, why not -- but we sure as fuck won't clean up in Bakersfield or Fresno or wherever the hell Devin Nunes lives, because that cow-husbander is REALLY GOOD AT CONGRESS and should STAY IN IT FOREVER, because they still need to get to the bottom of Benghazi, there just haven't been enough investigations yet for Devin Nunes to not read before he demands another investigation, because he can't read good and also fucks cows.
Did I mention I am DRUNK and MAD? You can't tell because I am expert at typing, but that brings us to MOTHERFUCKING NANCY PELOSI. See, if the Democrats had lost, they should fire Nancy Pelosi. But if they had won, they should fire Nancy Pelosi. LUCKILY, at now a.m., we're in the sweet spot of "middling sort of blue wave" that means we should fire Nancy Pelosi. See, Republicans HAAAATE her. And folks who did not love Hillary Clinton, even though she stayed neutral in the race regarding Hillary Clinton, HAAAATE her. And Tim Ryan, a mediocre white dude far to her Right who wants her job, HAAAATE her. And tonight she said some nonsense about "bipartisanship," because low-info voters who make up most of America because America's stupid looooove "bipartisanship," so she said "dumb stupid words maybe we can trick Trump into giving us everything we want 'bipartisanship,'" so now everyone HAAAATE her. They are all like, "do we know anyone who is 30 and who has never run a Congress, or even been in Congress, who can take her job, because she is so polarizing which will never ever happen to any other Speaker of the House, Fox News will definitely love them for sure, is Paul Ryan available, no, he resigned after one term, maybe Maxine Waters who is definitely awesome but also we forgot the part about 'Fox News,' OH Barbara Lee, nobody at Fox could have a problem with that, let's by all means let the Republicans choose a speaker for us, because the middle aged and old women who do all the work for the party have not been insulted enough in the past two years and Hillary better go the fuck away but MITT ROMNEY IS IN THE SENATE NOW AND JOHN MCCAIN IS DOING EACH OF THE FIVE SUNDAY SHOWS FROM HEAVEN AND REBECCA IS NOT MAD ENOUGH TONIGHT."
Hang on, drinking.
Hang on, smoking and farts.
Wait, another fart.
Oooh, Scott Walker lost, what was I saying, oh it was FARTS!
Fuck you, go to bed, give me money, I love you.
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