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Hey, what's up, 2:30 a.m.? Democrats won the House (with some fucking SWEET pickups, Sharice Davids HIIIIII!) barely? By the skin of our teeth? At this moment, that's a 25-seat pickup when John Boehner's "grassroots" Tea Party crew (LOL) had a pickup of SEVEN THOUSAND seats out of 435? Cool cool. We won the House and we don't have to move to Canada hardly at all.

In the morning, we'll have some good news for you. There is good news, in a lot of places, and we don't even have to resort to dogcatcher, route 5, New Mexico, to bring it to you. But a whole fucking lot of us were expecting the 500 percent increase in youngs, and one million percent increase in MAD NASTY WOMEN, to show the world, and ourselves, that America doesn't hate us and want us to die. That given the INSANE push to get EVERYONE VOTING, we would properly whomp that dick and his craven enablers. We were expecting VINDICATION from the polls, and instead, it's just ... a midterm, and a middling one, from the looks of it, here at 12:30 "mountain time," if that even exists. MY, that smarts!


You need to take a break from "politics"? I don't blame you. Just check back in tomorrow. It's our own fault for thinking we had chances in places like Texas and Georgia*, just because the people we had running there were smart and kind and empathetic and educated and everyone loved them, and the people they had running there were Ted Cruz and the actual offspring of a Hills Have Eyes kid and his mother-sister-grandma-aunt.


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Ron DeSantis -- Rick? Whatever your name is, I am talking to you.

*Georgia, you get a fuck of an asterisk, I mean GODDAMN.

Maybe in the morning it will be a much better scene. Maybe we'll clean up in Orange County, California -- sure, why not -- but we sure as fuck won't clean up in Bakersfield or Fresno or wherever the hell Devin Nunes lives, because that cow-husbander is REALLY GOOD AT CONGRESS and should STAY IN IT FOREVER, because they still need to get to the bottom of Benghazi, there just haven't been enough investigations yet for Devin Nunes to not read before he demands another investigation, because he can't read good and also fucks cows.

Did I mention I am DRUNK and MAD? You can't tell because I am expert at typing, but that brings us to MOTHERFUCKING NANCY PELOSI. See, if the Democrats had lost, they should fire Nancy Pelosi. But if they had won, they should fire Nancy Pelosi. LUCKILY, at now a.m., we're in the sweet spot of "middling sort of blue wave" that means we should fire Nancy Pelosi. See, Republicans HAAAATE her. And folks who did not love Hillary Clinton, even though she stayed neutral in the race regarding Hillary Clinton, HAAAATE her. And Tim Ryan, a mediocre white dude far to her Right who wants her job, HAAAATE her. And tonight she said some nonsense about "bipartisanship," because low-info voters who make up most of America because America's stupid looooove "bipartisanship," so she said "dumb stupid words maybe we can trick Trump into giving us everything we want 'bipartisanship,'" so now everyone HAAAATE her. They are all like, "do we know anyone who is 30 and who has never run a Congress, or even been in Congress, who can take her job, because she is so polarizing which will never ever happen to any other Speaker of the House, Fox News will definitely love them for sure, is Paul Ryan available, no, he resigned after one term, maybe Maxine Waters who is definitely awesome but also we forgot the part about 'Fox News,' OH Barbara Lee, nobody at Fox could have a problem with that, let's by all means let the Republicans choose a speaker for us, because the middle aged and old women who do all the work for the party have not been insulted enough in the past two years and Hillary better go the fuck away but MITT ROMNEY IS IN THE SENATE NOW AND JOHN MCCAIN IS DOING EACH OF THE FIVE SUNDAY SHOWS FROM HEAVEN AND REBECCA IS NOT MAD ENOUGH TONIGHT."

Hang on, drinking.

Hang on, smoking and farts.

Wait, another fart.

Oooh, Scott Walker lost, what was I saying, oh it was FARTS!

Fuck you, go to bed, give me money, I love you.

Wonkette is the world's only website, and I will see you in the morning unless I see you first.

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Remember "The West Wing"? Aaron Sorkin put a lot of effort into depicting Republicans -- okay, probably just Alan Alda -- as serious-minded, ethical mammals who just had a difference of opinion with the Democratic protagonists. It turns out "The West Wing" was as realistic as "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." That's because too many Republicans are like Mike Lee. The Utah Senator more closely resembles a character from a bad USA comedy series.

Republicans are holding a procedural vote today on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's Green New Deal. Lee took to the Senate floor to tell us how terrible it is. He could have done this with facts and data. Instead, he went with Ronald Reagan and a velociraptor.

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Presidential candidate Kamala Harris has a radical idea: We should pay schoolteachers as if they'd actually attended school themselves. The California senator today announced details of her proposal to increase teacher salaries across the country. She'd first discussed the plan at a campaign event this weekend at Texas Southern University.

HARRIS: I am declaring to you that by the end of my first term, we will have improved teacher salaries so that we close the pay gap, because right now teachers are making over 10 percent less than other college-educated graduates.

The plan would raise average teacher pay by $13,500. That should permit them to quit at least one of their other part-time jobs. The federal government would pitch in the first 10 percent of required funding. States would have access to $3 in matching federal support for every dollar of additional state money until the pay gap is closed with other college-educated workers. In our home state of South Carolina, the average teacher would get a $9,300 raise, which is a 19 percent pay increase.

Harris elaborated further in an op-ed published in today's Washington Post.

HARRIS: The United States is facing a teacher pay crisis. Public school teachers earn 11 percent less than professionals with similar educations. Teachers are more likely than non-teachers to work a second job. In 30 states, average teacher pay is less than the living wage for a family of four.
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