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Hey, what's up, 2:30 a.m.? Democrats won the House (with some fucking SWEET pickups, Sharice Davids HIIIIII!) barely? By the skin of our teeth? At this moment, that's a 25-seat pickup when John Boehner's "grassroots" Tea Party crew (LOL) had a pickup of SEVEN THOUSAND seats out of 435? Cool cool. We won the House and we don't have to move to Canada hardly at all.

In the morning, we'll have some good news for you. There is good news, in a lot of places, and we don't even have to resort to dogcatcher, route 5, New Mexico, to bring it to you. But a whole fucking lot of us were expecting the 500 percent increase in youngs, and one million percent increase in MAD NASTY WOMEN, to show the world, and ourselves, that America doesn't hate us and want us to die. That given the INSANE push to get EVERYONE VOTING, we would properly whomp that dick and his craven enablers. We were expecting VINDICATION from the polls, and instead, it's just ... a midterm, and a middling one, from the looks of it, here at 12:30 "mountain time," if that even exists. MY, that smarts!


You need to take a break from "politics"? I don't blame you. Just check back in tomorrow. It's our own fault for thinking we had chances in places like Texas and Georgia*, just because the people we had running there were smart and kind and empathetic and educated and everyone loved them, and the people they had running there were Ted Cruz and the actual offspring of a Hills Have Eyes kid and his mother-sister-grandma-aunt.


c1.staticflickr.com

Ron DeSantis -- Rick? Whatever your name is, I am talking to you.

*Georgia, you get a fuck of an asterisk, I mean GODDAMN.

Maybe in the morning it will be a much better scene. Maybe we'll clean up in Orange County, California -- sure, why not -- but we sure as fuck won't clean up in Bakersfield or Fresno or wherever the hell Devin Nunes lives, because that cow-husbander is REALLY GOOD AT CONGRESS and should STAY IN IT FOREVER, because they still need to get to the bottom of Benghazi, there just haven't been enough investigations yet for Devin Nunes to not read before he demands another investigation, because he can't read good and also fucks cows.

Did I mention I am DRUNK and MAD? You can't tell because I am expert at typing, but that brings us to MOTHERFUCKING NANCY PELOSI. See, if the Democrats had lost, they should fire Nancy Pelosi. But if they had won, they should fire Nancy Pelosi. LUCKILY, at now a.m., we're in the sweet spot of "middling sort of blue wave" that means we should fire Nancy Pelosi. See, Republicans HAAAATE her. And folks who did not love Hillary Clinton, even though she stayed neutral in the race regarding Hillary Clinton, HAAAATE her. And Tim Ryan, a mediocre white dude far to her Right who wants her job, HAAAATE her. And tonight she said some nonsense about "bipartisanship," because low-info voters who make up most of America because America's stupid looooove "bipartisanship," so she said "dumb stupid words maybe we can trick Trump into giving us everything we want 'bipartisanship,'" so now everyone HAAAATE her. They are all like, "do we know anyone who is 30 and who has never run a Congress, or even been in Congress, who can take her job, because she is so polarizing which will never ever happen to any other Speaker of the House, Fox News will definitely love them for sure, is Paul Ryan available, no, he resigned after one term, maybe Maxine Waters who is definitely awesome but also we forgot the part about 'Fox News,' OH Barbara Lee, nobody at Fox could have a problem with that, let's by all means let the Republicans choose a speaker for us, because the middle aged and old women who do all the work for the party have not been insulted enough in the past two years and Hillary better go the fuck away but MITT ROMNEY IS IN THE SENATE NOW AND JOHN MCCAIN IS DOING EACH OF THE FIVE SUNDAY SHOWS FROM HEAVEN AND REBECCA IS NOT MAD ENOUGH TONIGHT."

Hang on, drinking.

Hang on, smoking and farts.

Wait, another fart.

Oooh, Scott Walker lost, what was I saying, oh it was FARTS!

Fuck you, go to bed, give me money, I love you.

Wonkette is the world's only website, and I will see you in the morning unless I see you first.

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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