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HOPE FEDERAL PRISON HAS A GYM, BUTTERCUP.


Hey-o, it is time for our 6 PM dinner hour EXPLOSIVE NEWS ORGASM, and today we have a two-fer! (And maybe a three-fer and a resignation before we've even had a chance to get drunk!) We'll have a full report in the morning on how Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein has appointed former FBI director Robert Mueller as a special prosecutor in the Russia investigation (yay we think!), but at about the same time, the Washington Post dropped another bombshell, with a dateline in KIEV, UKRAINE, and it is that prettyboy asshole Speaker Paul Ryan had a conversation with some of his Congress pals on JUNE 15, 2016, where everybody couldn't stop laughing about how House Majority Leader Rep. Kevin McCarthy said he's pretty sure Donald Trump was on Vladimir Putin's payroll.

LOL! Isn't that a gas? Just a month before Donald Trump won the Republican nomination, and as the WaPo notes, ONE DAY after the news of Russia's DNC hack came out, Republican congressmen were sitting around giggle-jizzing about how maybe Putin was paying Trump to be his orange whore, oh and also Putin might be paying Republican Congressman Dana Rohrabacher too, who gay loves Russia almost as much as he gay loves the Taliban:

“There’s two people I think Putin pays: Rohrabacher and Trump,” McCarthy (R-Calif.) said, according to a recording of the June 15, 2016 exchange, which was listened to and verified by The Washington Post. Rep. Dana Rohrabacher is a Californian Republican known in Congress as a fervent defender of Putin and Russia.

House Speaker Paul D. Ryan (R-Wis.) immediately interjected, stopping the conversation from further exploring McCarthy’s assertion, and swore the Republicans present to secrecy.

The WaPo notes that just before this little chat session, which was attended by other GOP reps like Steve Scalise, Cathy McMorris Rodgers and Patrick Henry, McCarthy and Ryan had JUST met separately with the prime minister of Ukraine, "who had described a Kremlin tactic of financing populist politicians to undercut Eastern European democratic institutions." Weird, does that even sound familiar? Nope, can't think of a thing.

So anyway, LOL! Oh but wait, was McCarthy, a GIANT TRUMP SUPPORTER (so don't think he was being some kind of whistleblower), laughing right there in that conversation? Was he just being "flip," as bang-up good job-doer Greta Van Susteren concluded with her impressive brain on MSNBC as we typed this? No, let's scroll way down in the WaPo piece, WHICH GRETA CAN READ HER GODDAMN SELF, where they give us a fuller transcript of how the recording goes:

... McCarthy brought the conversation about Russian meddling around to the DNC hack, Trump and Rohrabacher.

“I’ll guarantee you that’s what it is...The Russians hacked the DNC and got the opp [opposition] research that they had on Trump,” McCarthy said with a laugh.

Ryan asked who the Russians “delivered” the opposition research to.

“There’s... there’s two people, I think, Putin pays: Rohrabacher and Trump,” McCarthy said, drawing some laughter. “Swear to God,” McCarthy added.

“This is an off the record,” Ryan said.

Some lawmakers laughed at that.

HA HA! Sounds like McCarthy wasn't laughing and had his serious face on though?

“No leaks, alright?,” Ryan said, adding: “This is how we know we’re a real family here.”

“That’s how you know that we’re tight,” Scalise said.

“What’s said in the family stays in the family,” Ryan added.

Like a bunch of incestuous traitors.

The WaPo notes that at this time in the campaign, Trump had already been whispering sweet nothings in Putin's direction in a policy way, Paul Manafort and all his creepy Russo-Ukrainian connections were running the Trump campaign, and Hillary Clinton was already saying things like, "If Donald gets his way, they’ll be celebrating in the Kremlin." You know, just for a little context.

The response from Ryan and McCarthy? DENY:

When initially asked to comment on the exchange, Brendan Buck, a spokesman for Ryan, said: “That never happened,” and Matt Sparks, a spokesman for McCarthy, said: “The idea that McCarthy would assert this is absurd and false.”

LIES LIES LIES!

The response from Ryan and McCarthy when WaPo said YOU DUMB SLUTS MUST BE IGNORANT IF YOU THINK WE'RE NOT LISTENING TO THE TAPE RIGHT NOW?

Buck, speaking for the GOP House leadership, said: “This entire year-old exchange was clearly an attempt at humor. No one believed the majority leader was seriously asserting that Donald Trump or any of our members were being paid by the Russians. What’s more, the speaker and leadership team have repeatedly spoken out against Russia’s interference in our election, and the House continues to investigate that activity.”

“This was a failed attempt at humor,” Sparks said.

HA HA!

Hey, guess who else was at the meeting? It was Evan McMullin, that nice Mormon man who is ALLLLLL OVER investigating Trump's Russian collusion, who ran for preznit as an independent in 2016, and who at the time was the policy director for the House Republican Conference. Let's see if he remembers giggling along:

“It’s true that Majority Leader McCarthy said that he thought candidate Trump was on the Kremlin’s payroll. Speaker Ryan was concerned about that leaking.”

HA HA! Oh wait, Evan McMullin, who also used to be a super cool CIA spy Mormon, doesn't seem to be laughing.

Well well well. How far down in the line of succession are we now before we get to somebody who doesn't have Russian pee hooker all over them? Orrin Hatch? Yes, that is where we are.

We wish Robert Mueller much luck in his new special prosecutor position, determining all the very good and true reasons all these assholes should GO THE FUCK TO JAIL.

Wonkette is really getting tired of these 6 PM news dumps. If you feel sympathy, plz click below, to give us dollars.

[Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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