Fun Things We Learned About The Comey Firing: A Wonkette Listicle!
Help us, Scully and Mulder. You're our only hope!
As with any breaking story, Donald Trump's firing of James Comey from the FBI has generated about a million loose ends, so let's try to pick up a few of them, to ensure our Wonkers are among the most well-informed readers of listicles in America! In no particular order, let us examine some of the bric-a-brac and chaff that's gathered all over the floor:
From the lede of the Washington Post's invaluable story on Team Trump's fuckscramble to explain why James Comey had to be fired right now:
White House press secretary Sean Spicer wrapped up his brief interview with Fox Business from the White House grounds late Tuesday night and then disappeared into the shadows, huddling with his staff behind a tall hedge.
That imagery brought something to mind for Buzzfeed reporter Tasneem N:
— Tasneem N (@TasneemN) May 10, 2017
We could probably just stop there and label it Number All Of Them, Katie, but wait! There's more!
Bright Light! Bright Light!
Beyond all that Hedge Fun, There's also this odd detail from the Post story: Spicer decided he'd take a few questions, but only if he could do so off-camera:
Spicer then emerged.
“Just turn the lights off. Turn the lights off,” he ordered. “We'll take care of this. ... Can you just turn that light off?”
Spicer got his wish and was soon standing in near darkness between two tall hedges, with more than a dozen reporters closely gathered around him. For 10 minutes, he responded to a flurry of questions, vacillating between light-hearted asides and clear frustration with getting the same questions over and over again.
Conclusion: Sean Spicer was either nursing a black eye following a brawl with Sarah Huckabee Sanders, or he is a Gremlin. Why not both? Also, too, we enjoyed this detail on the press's game of Find The Spicer, which will someday make for a great scene in the movie adaptation Trump: All The Last Days.
Spicer had wanted to drop the bombshell news in an emailed statement, but it was not transmitting quickly enough, so he ended up standing in the doorway of the press office around 5:40 p.m. and shouting a statement to reporters who happened to be nearby. He then vanished, with his staff locking the door leading to his office. The press staff said that Spicer might do a briefing, then announced that he definitely wouldn't say anything more that night.
Yelling out the door at reporters, hiding in his own office, then mysteriously emerging from the bushes like Derp Throat. This is your Trump administration on Transparency.
James Comey (D)
Fox News went with its usual level of accuracy and truthiness, and despite the White House statement saying Comey had been "terminated and removed from office," initially ran an onscreen chyron saying "James Comey Resigns," for about a minute. But it wasn't just the graphics department that screwed the pooch: Dead Breitbart senior editor-at-large, Clinton Cash liar, and "avid gun collector" Peter Schweitzer, appearing as a guest talking head on "Fox News Specialists," said he thought "it was a good idea for him to resign," which of course Comey hadn't. Co-host Eric Bolling interrupted and pointed out Comey had in fact been shitcanned.
Mike Huckabee Fails Comedy 101, Again
Former Arkansas governor, presidential candidate, and hawg-callin' champeen Mike Huckabee once more attempted to do the funny on Twitter, and once more failed spectacularly:
Aww, that is one SICK BURN on the despicable cable channel "CCN." You had three letters to work with, Huck. Three letters.
FBI Agents In Tears, So Trump Wins
Politico reports FBI agents were in tears on hearing the news about Comey's firing:
“I’m literally in tears right now. That’s all I have to say,” said a longtime special agent who’s known and worked with Comey for years, who first heard the news on the car radio.
Astonishingly, confirmed bully Donald Trump, who never misses a chance to mercilessly mock crying sissy-men who cry, has not yet called the FBI a bunch of pathetic girls although President Bone Spurs did take time this morning to excoriate another Senator who cried several years ago:
Yeah! Why all this focus on Donald Trump's campaign maybe being involved with Russian attempts to hack the 2016 election when there's this one Senator who was caught fibbing about Vietnam just seven short years ago? Where are our priorities? Why hasn't Blumenthal been investigated? INPEECH! Also, why are FBI agents a bunch of crybabies? We need to investigate these crying FBI agents to determine if they can be trusted to enforce the law. Weak!
Glenn Greenwald: Cover-Up? What Cover-Up?
Gosh, this is reassuring: Glenn Greenwald assures a worried America there's nothing to see here. At least, nothing involving Russia:
Which is not to say Glenn Greenwald is carrying water for Donald Trump, oh goodness, no. Trump is merely an authoritarian strongman control freak, but not an authoritarian strongman control freak with something to hide:
No Chaos! No Chaos! You're The Chaos!
Did You Read Politico's Tick-Tock? You Really Should Read Politico's Tick-Tock! We are just saying it's full of delicious dishiness, like these morsels, and such as:
- "[Trump] had grown enraged by the Russia investigation, two advisers said, frustrated by his inability to control the mushrooming narrative around Russia. He repeatedly asked aides why the Russia investigation wouldn’t disappear and demanded they speak out for him. He would sometimes scream at television clips about the probe, one adviser said."
- "Trump had grown angry with the Russia investigation — particularly Comey admitting in front of the Senate that the FBI was investigating his campaign — and that the FBI director wouldn't support his claims that President Barack Obama had tapped his phones in Trump Tower."
- "By Tuesday evening, the president was watching the coverage of his decision and frustrated no one was on TV defending him, a White House official said. He wanted surrogates out there beating the drum."Instead, advisers were attacking one another for not realizing the gravity of the situation as events blew up. 'How are you not defending your position for three solid hours on TV?' the White House aide asked."
- "While shock dominated much of the FBI and the White House, the mood was more elated at Roger Stone's house in Florida. Several Stone allies and friends said Stone, who has been frequently mentioned in the investigation, encouraged the president to fire Comey in conversations in recent weeks."On Twitter, Stone signaled praise for the move by posting an image of Trump from The Apprentice saying, 'You're fired.'
"Stone declined to comment Tuesday night but said he was enjoying a fine cigar."
That's one well-oiled machine, that Trump White House.
We'll keep you updated on ComeyGeddon as it develops all week. You can count on Yr Wonkette to stay on top of this, always watching for the latest.
Now get to Open Threading, if you choose to come out of the shadows of course.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.