Guess Fusion GPS, the intelligence firm that commissioned British spy Christopher Steele to compile a DODGY DOSSIER of FAKE NEWS about Trump and Russia, is sick of being shat upon by Donald Trump and his GOP minions in Congress and on Fox News. So instead of listening for yet another day while mouthbreathing rage poopers like Rep. Devin Nunes make up stories about their work with Steele, Fusion's co-founders, former Wall Street Journal reporters Glenn Simpson and Peter Fritsch, decided to write a nice little "fuck you" op-ed in the New York Times to set the record straight.

Simpson and Fritsch write that they are "happy to correct the record" for all these frog-fucking jizz nuggets with their conspiracy theories, and add, "In fact, we already have." Oh that's right! We forgot! The Fusion GPS boys have testified before three Congressional committees, and even though Senator Chuck Grassley said he would release the transcripts from their Senate Judiciary Committee testimony, that hasn't happened. Instead, the Fusion boys note, the GOP-controlled committees have selectively leaked things in order to construct their #AlternativeFacts narrative, that Fusion GPS and Hillary Clinton are the REAL Russia colluders who worked with a hostile foreign power to take down their shiny perfect golden showers boy Donald Trump.

Oh well, here's Fusion GPS breaking a bunch of news about the Steele Dossier, Trump-Russia collusion, and about how the entire GOP is full of shit:

News Number One: No, You Fucking Idiots, The FBI Didn't Start The Trump-Russia Investigation Because Of The Dodgy Dossier.

We don’t believe the Steele dossier was the trigger for the F.B.I.’s investigation into Russian meddling. As we told the Senate Judiciary Committee in August, our sources said the dossier was taken so seriously because it corroborated reports the bureau had received from other sources, including one inside the Trump camp.

Just as Devin Nunes was launching his latest make-believe investigation into the dossier, news broke that actually the FBI started its investigation after former Trump campaign coffee twink/Russia liaison George Papadopoulos drunk-bragged to his new Australian diplomat BFF that Russia had shitloads of hacked emails that would take Hillary Clinton down, long before said emails started leaking out. Sorry, Devin Nunes, you're full of shit!

But how interesting that the Fusion boys frame the dossier as corroborating other intel the FBI already had. (By the way, the source "inside the Trump camp" the FBI already knew about likely refers to Papadopoulos.) Moreover, they say these GOP committees fucking know this, and they fucking know they fucking know it:

The intelligence committees have known for months that credible allegations of collusion between the Trump camp and Russia were pouring in from independent sources during the campaign.

Short version: This means GOP elected officials like Nunes and Chuck Grassley and Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan aren't just being willfully, maliciously ignorant about the real story -- they're fucking lying.

News Number Next: Fusion GPS Fucking Told Congress Where Trump Hid The Bodies!

We suggested investigators look into the bank records of Deutsche Bank and others that were funding Mr. Trump’s businesses. Congress appears uninterested in that tip: Reportedly, ours are the only bank records the House Intelligence Committee has subpoenaed.

Guess who has been looking through all the Deutsche Bank receipts? That's right, it is your real dad Robert Mueller! Bet he's had some nice meetings with the Fusion GPS guys, but shhhhhh, don't tell Donald Trump.

We told Congress that from Manhattan to Sunny Isles Beach, Fla., and from Toronto to Panama, we found widespread evidence that Mr. Trump and his organization had worked with a wide array of dubious Russians in arrangements that often raised questions about money laundering. Likewise, those deals don’t seem to interest Congress.

We explained how, from our past journalistic work in Europe, we were deeply familiar with the political operative Paul Manafort’s coziness with Moscow and his financial ties to Russian oligarchs close to Vladimir Putin.

Sounds about right to us!

Another News: No, You Idiots, The Steele Dossier Has Nothing To Do With The Russians Who Met With Donald Trump Jr. In Trump Tower.

Finally, we debunked the biggest canard being pushed by the president’s men — the notion that we somehow knew of the June 9, 2016, meeting in Trump Tower between some Russians and the Trump brain trust. We first learned of that meeting from news reports last year — and the committees know it. They also know that these Russians were unaware of the former British intelligence officer Christopher Steele’s work for us and were not sources for his reports.

This is a weird one, but remember how one of the bizarre conspiracies the GOP has been spinning is that because Fusion GPS did work for clients affiliated with Trump Jr.'s favorite lady Russian lawyer and ALSO commissioned Christopher Steele to do this spy work, then obviously THEY ARE ALL RELATED AND NO RUSSIA, NO RUSSIA, YOU ARE THE RUSSIA? It's a loopy narrative, but that's cool as long as it gives Sean Hannity word salad to angrily tease old Fox News viewers' prostates with each night.

Of course, Wonkette debunked this months ago by simply noting that, just as lawyers might have two different clients at one time who have nothing to do with each other, so might private intelligence firms. Or Big Lots stores.

The Fusion guys say they didn't even give Christopher Steele "specific marching orders" beyond trying to figure out why Trump did so much shady business with Russia, when people who are actually good at business don't engage in such unsavory behavior. And what Steele found blew their fucking minds.

So we must ask again the same question we asked in October: Do Republicans Hate The Trump Pee Hooker Dossier Because It’s TOO TRUE? Looking more that way every day!

In conclusion, YOUR MOVE, REPUBLICANS! And by "your move," we mean release the fucking transcripts so we can see what else y'all motherfuckers are lying about.

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[New York Times]