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Future President Mike Huckabee Gigglingly Wishes He Was Gay-Married Jew

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Popular E.B. White periodicalThe New Yorker has a lengthy profile on our future president, popular New Yorker and teevee personality Mike Huckabee. Our Man from Hope opens up about Jews and gays and elitists, among other New Yorker readers, so certainly he would say nothing those groups would object to, right?


“I worship a Jew!” Huckabee said. “I have a lot of Jewish friends, and they’re kind of, like, ‘You evangelicals love Israel more than we do.’"

How much does he love Israel? He just wears yarmulkes around for kicks.

“I think what I should do is convert,” Huckabee said, squinting in the sunshine. “This covers my bald spot completely."

Yep, you should definitely convert. Your denial of Jesus as the messiah would not turn away most or all of the people who buy your books and vote for you in straw polls. Then Huckabee is asked about the grossness of the gays, and Huckabee is like, oh, I want to be on the blogs.

Huckabee does deviate from Party orthodoxy on some issues. But what makes him even less predictable as a politician is his sense of humor. At times, he seems unable to resist the force of his own funniness. I joked with him once that I would write about his (fictitious) affair with Nancy Pelosi. He e-mailed back, “The only thing worse than a torrid affair with sweet, sweet Nancy would be a torrid affair with Helen Thomas. If those were my only options, I’d probably be FOR same-sex marriage!”

He loves his wife and would never have an affair, but if he had to be gay, same-sex marriage would have to be legalized, because Mike Huckabee can't not be married, because it's evil to not be married. But it's also evil to be gay. But being gay is less evil than liberals and those who hate Israel, at least in jokes. And jokes aren't evil because they let you say what you really want to say, such as cocks and wanting to suck them. But again, wanting to suck cocks is repulsive unless it's a joke. Or unless you're a woman, and Mike Huckabee would never want to be a woman, except in jokes. But even women shouldn't like cocks too much because of marriage. And marriage can't happen between gays, except in jokes, because it would violate the fantasy Constitution in Mike Huckabee's head, the one that has an amendment prohibiting gay marriage.

He has called homosexuality “sinful and unnatural” and is fond of amusing audiences with the witticism “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

But more importantly, science: "startling studies" prove to Huckabee that monogamous marriage ends poverty. So, to end poverty, we need to make everyone straight. Not educate everyone or make everyone white, as others would have you believe. [New Yorker]

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