Meet Garrett Ziegler, Gentleman/Brain-Genius/Jan. 6 Witness!

January 6
Meet Garrett Ziegler, Gentleman/Brain-Genius/Jan. 6 Witness!

Garrett Ziegler

Last week's January 6 hearing focused on a meeting at the White House on December 18, 2020, where Michael Flynn, Sidney Powell, Rudy Giuliani, and Patrick Byrne (the Overstock weirdo) presented their insane plan for President Donald Trump to appoint Powell special counsel so she could order the National Guard to seize voting machines and investigate non-existent vote fraud in the swing states. These goons had no appointment to see the president that fateful evening, but by the end of the Trump administration, the White House was staffed exclusively by broken toys. So a low-level staffer for Peter Navarro, Trump's anti-China crank, snuck the Derp Squad in.

That staffer is named Garrett Ziegler, and boy does that kid have our number.

"They're Bolsheviks, so they probably do hate the American founders and most white people in general," the Boy Wonder posted yesterday on Telegram after being interviewed by the House January 6 Select Committee. "This is a Bolshevistic anti-white campaign. If you can't see that, your eyes are freaking closed."

BREAKING: Rep. Liz Cheney hates white people! Must credit some weenus who used to work for a guy who was too stupid to avoid a contempt of Congress charge despite working in the White House on January 6, 2021.

"They see me as a young Christian who they can try to basically scare, right?" he continued.

First of all, Ziegler's new "gig" is a website exposing Hunter Biden for the gross sleazeball that he is — like that's news to anyone on Planet Earth — with posts on such super-Christian topics as "Tales of a Biden's Perineum at the Fairview Inn: A Selfie Stick from Hell (and Why You Won't Use a Bic Razor Ever Again)." Do you want to see stolen photos of Hunter Biden's asshole? This good Christian can oblige!

Second of all, who is "they"? Would that be (((they))) as in Reps. Raskin, Luria, and Schiff? Very subtle, kid, if entirely unoriginal.

Poster for Nazi Party Speech on Jewish Bolshevik Threat US Holocaust Museum

Ziegler went on to explain that he'd spent much of his deposition "invoking my right to silence under executive privilege in the Fifth Amendment." Which is not a thing, you raging dipshit.

Perhaps realizing that he'd let the hood slip, Ziegler insisted that he was the "least racist person that you've ever met." As one often feels the need to do when one is not remotely racist. "I have no bigotry," he insisted, "I just try to see the world as it is."

"They're not even going after any other young people in the White House," he whined, adding that "The other young people in the White House are total hoes and thots like Cassidy Hutchinson and this Alyssa Farah hoebag, who are just terrible."

Try to contain your shock, kids, that this whinging manbaby can think of no better insult for his female coworkers than to call them whores. For those of you not down with the incel lingo, "thot" is an acronym for "that ho over there." And while Ziegler scoffs that they "have no clue what they're saying," let's be clear that Hutchinson's CV is a whole lot more impressive than his, with stints working for Rep. Steve Scalise, Senator Ted Cruz, and the White House Office of Legislative Affairs, before becoming Mark Meadows's chief aide and a Special Assistant to the President. There's a reason that Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy called Hutchinson, not Ziegler, to ensure that Trump wouldn't accompany the mob as it descended on the Capitol. And that reason is that only one was competent enough to be close to the seat of power.

As for Farah, well, Your Wonkette is no fan, but come the fuck on, dude. She was press secretary to the Department of Defense and the vice president, and now she's a paid commentator for CNN. She may have traded her integrity for money in the Trump White House, but she's not actually a sex worker, and her career is far more impressive than Ziegler's.

Of course Ziegler doesn't think these women are literally prostitutes, any more than he believes that the committee members are members of the Russian Bolshevik Party. What he means by "Bolshevik" is "anyone whose political views are different from mine." And by "hoebags" he means "anyone with a vagina whom I don't like." It's pathetic, and as soon as we finish this post, we will forget about this bratty loser forever.

But before that, let's just point out that this is who Republicans are. The entire party has been colonized by a bunch of brain-poisoned edge lords who think that pumping memes into the ass end of the internet is actual policy work. And the longer they spend wanking in their chat rooms about Hunter Biden, the better off we'll all be.

Join us tonight at 8 p.m. eastern for more House January 6 Select Committee hijinks, presumably not including this young man's face.


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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