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Oh, fine. Begin the recitation of stupidity.


Wonder why bad things happen to good people? We've been scanning the dregs of the wingnuttosphere since Roanoke TV journalists Alison Parker and Adam Ward were shot to death while doing a routine interview Wednesday, and you'll be astonished at the range of reasons it happened. Or you might be astonished, if you're new to our great nation and its insane politics. Welcome to America! Here, you'll want this flak jacket. So why did this terrible thing happen? Here's a handy roundup!

It's The 'Bortions!

On Fox News's The Kelly File Wednesday, professional spitebag Dana Loesch clarified that Planned Parenthood is probably the real killer, plus Hollywood:

We don't have a gun problem. We have a criminal problem. We have a society that thinks it's completely permissible to shirk responsibility. We have people who have no problem with what Planned Parenthood does in terms of fetal parts harvesting. We don't teach a respect for life. We glorify violence in movies, music, film, and books. This is what our society is. This is Frankenstein's monster. This is what society has created, it is a reflection of us.

It's clear that Hollywood and Planned Parenthood are to blame. Right, we'll arrest them!

It's The Blacks!

We covered this the Day Of (and are still cleaning White Power Rangers out of the comments two days later), and it's been spreading ever since. Yes, we know Vester Flanagan, aka Bryce Williams, wrote a manifesto blaming whites and homophobes for his career problems. So clearly, what killed Parker and Ward was, according to mouth-breathing grievance-collector Ben Shapiro, "Williams' self-described victim status, even while murdering innocents." Shapiro is quite displeased that this will not lead to the national discussion he thinks we should be having:

We won’t have a conversation about whether pushing a perennial picture of victimhood for blacks and gays in the most black-friendly, gay-friendly country on the planet could drive supposed victims to violence.

We're also rather charmed by the occasional twitter rant or blog comment claiming that liberals have "excused" Flanagan for murdering two people because he was black -- not that these folks actually provide examples of liberals actually saying, "Oh, he thought he was a victim of racism? Well then, no big."

Other geniuses who blame The Blacks and their Politically Correct enablers: alleged human being George Zimmerman and convicted felon/super-patriot Dinesh D'Souza.

We're also learning that Vester Flanagan was a deeply disturbed person who latched onto any perceived grievance and often perceived routine comments as racial slurs. This means that all claims of racism are equally spurious.

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It's The Gays! And The ACLU!

In addition to Ben Shapiro's trenchant pungent analysis, we also learned from Pat Robertson that the Virginia shootings occurred because federal law makes it too hard for businesses to fire "closet gay[s]." Robertson expressed sympathy for the poor station manager of WDBJ, who was forced by fear of discrimination lawsuits to keep Flanagan on staff even though he was clearly unstable:

“You have an employee, you don’t even know anything about his orientation one way or the other, but he’s a troublemaker and he’s a malcontent and he’s not doing his job properly and after several warnings, the manager is forced to let him go.”

“Well, what happens? Well, there’s a lawsuit that says, well, there’s sexual discrimination because he was a closet gay or he was African-American or he was Indian or he was some other minority,” Robertson continued. “And the station has a big lawsuit and all the ACLU comes jumping in and it’s just a nightmare.”

“So the tendency is to leave these guys on the staff regardless of their problems, and before long you have somebody that is shot like up in Virginia Tech.”

Never mind that, in reality, Flanagan was fired after only 11 months at WDBJ, his complaints to the EEOC were found to be without merit and dismissed, and, no, the ACLU never came to his defense. It's all that protection of closeted gays that did the killing!

It's That Bitch Hillary Clinton!

Alex Jones took a really strange turn in his response to the Virginia murders. This may be the first high-profile murder that Jones didn't claim was faked by a conspiracy of fascists who want to Take Our Guns. Instead, it appears to be the fault of Hillary Clinton, "leftist Anti-American scum -- literal scum!" social-engineers, and of course, the Obama administration and its insistence on pushing a race war on the peaceful white people of America:

Jones said that patriots need to hit all the liberals with many important Twitter messages, for Great Justice. He had some suggestions, like "Hey, witch, it's YOUR White House pushing race war and now blaming the Second Amendment." And maybe this brilliant insight: "Hey Hillary, you got bodyguards. Are their guns bad too? Why can’t I have a gun to protect myself, you bitch?"

We find this strangely encouraging. Jones appears to think the Virginia murders actually happened. So that may be a step forward for him. Also, he doesn't appear to have mentioned Obama's plan to replace humanity with cyborgs, so he's having a relatively stable week.

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It's The Nihilists!

Bill O'Reilly explained Thursday that Parker and Ward were actually just two more victims of America's lack of respect for God:

“Individuals in this country now, I believe, are tending away from spirituality and into the secular-progressive ‘It’s all about me,'” he told Fox contributor Keith Ablow. “And when you combine that with a mental illness, you have what you had in Virginia yesterday.”

O'Reilly also dismissed rampant gun violence as an unfortunate side effect of the sacred Second Amendment, something we just have to live with as the price of freedom. But the real problem, he insisted, was the “rise in nihilism and a decline in spiritual belief” in our once-great nation:

O'Reilly confidently assured us that "in 40 years of covering the news, almost every killer I've reported on has been a nihilist." He didn't clarify whether this included actual reporting he'd done, or just the incidents where he mostly imagined he was there.

Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you want about the tenets of Fox News, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

Also, as a living testament to the Dunning-Kruger effect, O'Reilly soberly warned us that nihilism "is a close cousin to narcissism, where a person believes they're never wrong and lacks empathy for others." Researchers at the National Institute of Irony noted that, for O'Reilly, this one barely shook their instruments.

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We have to say that we were rather astonished that we were unable to find anyone insisting -- so far, at least -- that the gunman shot two people to death because school prayer is illegal, because the Ten Commandments aren't posted in every classroom and government office, or because schools teach that humans evolved from monkeys. Those are usually a favorite in the days following a highly publicized murder. Maybe they're reserved for higher body counts.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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