George Santos Also Lied About That. And That. And That. And Oh Yeah, That.

George Santos Also Lied About That. And That. And That. And Oh Yeah, That.

Every day something that George Santos lied about comes to light. It is as if he’s a Scooby-Doo villain and the gang just keeps pulling off mask after mask after mask without ever getting to Old Man Winters, the owner of the local amusement park.

It is hard to keep track of everything, as the revelations are coming fast and furious, but we’ll try.

First of all, did you know that Santos was born a poor (half)-black child?

Half-Caucasian and half-black. And also half-Brazilian? Also Catholic and Jewish? Does he even know the difference? Does he think zucchettos and yarmulkes are the same thing?

Speaking of the Jewish thing, here’s Santos claiming those Jewish ancestors were specifically Ukrainian Jews:

Yep, he claimed to be of Ukrainian descent on February 28 of this year, just a couple of days after Russia invaded Ukraine. Awfully huge coincidence, considering the number of European countries he could have pretended his Jewish ancestors fled to escape the Nazis. Previously he had said Belgium. Now it's Ukraine first, then Belgium, then they went to Brazil. He’s really giving new meaning to the term “stolen valor.”

Santos also claimed at one point to have attended Horace Mann, the unfathomably tony New York City prep school through whose halls many members of America’s upper class have passed. Also Alex Berenson and Mark Penn, but hey, even the best hitters in baseball fail more than two-thirds of the time.

Here is Santos on his time at Horace Mann:

They sent me to a good prep school, which was Horace Mann Prep in the Bronx. And, in my senior year of prep school, unfortunately my parents fell on hard times, which was something that would later become known as the depression of 2008. But we were hit a little earlier on with the overleveraging of real estate. And the market started to implode. Um, and the first thing to go was the prep school. You know, you, you can’t afford a $2,500 tuition at that point, right?

Horace Mann’s tuition in 2006 — Santos is 34 (allegedly), which means if he left the school four months shy of graduation, he’d have been dropping out sometime around 2006 — was $29,000. But there's a reason Santos might have been off by a factor of 10:

“We’ve searched the records and there is no evidence that George Santos (or any alias) attended Horace Mann,” Ed Adler, a spokesman for the school, told CNN.

Man, if you’re going to lie about going to a place like Horace Mann, at least try to get the tuition number you claim your parents couldn’t afford somewhere in the ballpark. The last time tuition there was $2,500 might have been around its founding in 1887.

Santos’s campaign website had claimed his mother was in the South Tower of the World Trade Center on September 11, though it did not say she had died there. But she did! Or maybe not:

His campaign website had this to say about the story, before someone took the page down sometime in the last day or two:

On September 11th, George’s mother was in her office in the South Tower. She survived the horrific events of that day, but unfortunately passed away a few years later.

By “a few years later,” he meant “15 years later.” And the juxtaposition makes you think her death was somehow 9/11-related. But there is no evidence that that is the case. This is a bit like us saying our grandfather survived World War II (he wasn’t in the military, but he did spend part of an afternoon every weekend, when he wasn’t running the family furniture store, watching the skies over Virginia for German planes as part of the Aircraft Warning Service of the civilian Ground Observer Corps), but then unfortunately died a few years later (in 1986).

Anyway, a message to George Santos: If you’re going to claim your mother died from 9/11 years later, at least say she was a first responder who caught cancer from hanging around the building wreckage. Maybe Jon Stewart would have cut a campaign spot for you.

The upshot of all this bullshit coming to light — or downside, if you’re George Santos — is that now federal investigators are reportedly looking into his finances. Because even the federal government thinks it’s a little odd that a guy can go from making $55,000 in 2020 to somewhere between $3.5 and $11.5 million in 2021 without winning the lottery or selling a tech start-up or getting signed by the Mets.

Santos’s explanation is that he became a sort of a Guy Friday for rich people who wanted to buy yachts and private planes. Seriously, that’s what he told Semafor:

As an example of his work, he said a client might want to sell a plane or a boat. “I'm not going to go list it and broker it,” he said. “What I will do is I will go look out there within my Rolodex and be like: ‘Hey, are you looking for a plane?’ ‘Are you looking for a boat?’ I just put that feeler out there.” He said he had a network of wealthy investors, family offices, “institutions” and endowments that included about 15,000 people. Within the first six months of starting Devolder, he said he “landed a couple of million-dollar contracts.”
“If you’re looking at a $20 million yacht, my referral fee there can be anywhere between $200,000 and $400,000,” he said.

Yep, that’s definitely how it works with rich people. They don't go to established brokers for these high-end luxury items, but they definitely talk to a guy who knows a guy whose cousin has some TVs or handbags he can give you a discount on.

Tune in tomorrow, when we fully expect to find out that George Santos is three Ayn Rands stacked in a trenchcoat.

[Twitter / Twitter / Twitter / CNN / Semafor]

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