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George W. Bush And His Institute Will Save Bloggers, Everywhere

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The "policy arm" of the Future, the George W. Bush Institute, is up and running! All of these policies will likely become law, soon. (You didn't hear? George W. Bush granted himself binding post-presidential Papal Bull powers in a 11:59 pardon signing statement.He doesn't know he signed this yet, though, so everyone be cool and shut the fuck up.) On Monday, Bush hosted several bloggers -- "cyber dissidents" -- from around the globe, arranged them according to how Free their home countries were, and then slapped their asses one-by-one with a wet towel before stealin' their 'puters.


Bush, and experts who spoke after him, began by framing the Internet not as the automatic freedom generator it once promised to be, but as yet another battleground in the struggle against tyranny. With his opening remarks, Bush made it clear the day wasn't just about freedom fighters trading war stories, but about laying out a plan of action.

"One of the things I was nervous about about a think tank is that all we do is have people come here and they sit around and think," Bush said. "I think it's important not only to have people come around and think and have experts write and opine, but also to figure out how to act."

Whatever, man. Wonkette is an Automatic Freedom Generator for the entire globe. Don't know what every other site's problem is.

[Dallas Morning News]

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Photo by Daniel Stockman, Creative Commons license 2.0

It's Sunday, and that means it's time for a break from the ongoing grind of awfulness out there. Let's dive into some cool, funny, thoughtful stuff to fortify ourselves before we get back to the daily madness, shall we?

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After watching President Arty McDeals twist in the wind for a month, IRL politician Mitch McConnell finally decided to throw the mook a lifeline. Despite constant screaming about women with duct tape over their mouths, Trump is getting blamed for the shutdown and even his own supporters are starting to turn on him. So Ol' Yertle summoned Mike Pence and Jared Kushner to his chambers for some #RealTalk.

"Tell Donald that he has to offer something so it looks like the Democrats are the ones who won't compromise." He said. (Probably.)

"That's great," squeaked young Jared (allegedly), "Democrats are desperate. We've got them right where we want them." McConnell blinked hard.

"No, Jared," he probably said. "They're not going to take the deal. We'd have more luck getting Mexico to pay for it. The point is to offer something silly so they turn us down, and then we try to convince the public that the shutdown is Democrats' fault."

"I don't get it," said Jared (allegedly), as Mother's boy Pence furrowed his brow and sighed through his nose. (Not allegedly, it's his signature move.)

"I know," Mitch might have said. "Believe me, I know."

Which is how President Teleprompter wound up giving a MAJOR ADDRESS yesterday offering to hold off on deporting some of the Dream Act kids for a hot second if Democrats will just give him $5.7 billion for WALL and let him expel future child arrivals without a hearing. Trump himself rescinded protections for up to a million immigrants brought here as kids as soon as he took office, but he'll let some of those hostages go if Democrats will just give him cash for that WALL that Mexico is "indirectly" paying for. Heck, he'll even let 300,000 people who fled war and natural disasters and put down roots here over decades to stay a little longer, if that's what it takes. He plans to deport them all in three years anyway, or else use them for another round of hostage negotiations. (If we re-elect That Orange Idiot, spit on the ground/sign of the horns/God forbid.)

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