Windsor-knotted colostomy bag George Will took the occasion of the upcoming 50th anniversary of the March on Washington For Jobs and Freedom to explain that there's a very simple reason that there's an economic disparity between whites and blacks: Black ladies are birthin' too many babies without a man in the hizzouse. On This Week With George Stephanopoulos, delightfully named WaPo journalist Dan Balz said,

“We forget that this was the March for Jobs and Justice [sic] ... There has been tremendous progress, there’s no question about that, in all the ways we’re talking about. But the persistence of the gap between white wealth and black wealth, white income and black income, is something that has stayed almost constant for the past two decades.”

Nuh-uh, replied Will, dazzling the panel with the exact same analysis that he provided four weeks ago in discussing Detroit's bankruptcy:

"The events to which you refer were foreshadowed by something eight months after the march ... A young social scientist from Harvard working in the Labor Department published a report. His name was Daniel Patrick Moynihan. He said, ‘There is a crisis in the African American community, because 24% of African American children are born to unmarried women.' Today it’s tripled to 72%. That, and not an absence of rights, is surely the biggest impediment."

We were impressed by Will's vast oversimplification of the 1965 "Moynihan Report," as well as his simple faith that it was the only legitimate social science research ever to address the question. But what really got our attention was his subsequent proof of his mastery of causal relationships, in which he smashed an egg and did unspeakable things to a chicken.

And of course, the Moynihan Report was more than just the simple "black women are pooping out too many babies, so poverty" cartoon that conservatives have reduced it to; even its academic critics -- and there are many -- recognize that it emphasized the role of long-term structural inequalities in social dysfunction. But it sure makes for a good excuse. Big problems in the black community? Blame the sluts and the feckless young bucks who get them pregnant and leave. That's just science!

As it happens, we came across another thinker who sounds a lot like George Will, though maybe a bit less ready for a Sunday morning chatfest, at the septic think tank of Dudebro puppet fetishist Doug Giles, who Yr Wonkette last featured in a rant against the dangers of scary Muslins, now wants to have a sincere chat with young black thugs, in the form of that time-honored cliché, an open letter:

According to the Media, President Obama and the slick-haired Al Sharpton, we white devils are supposed to feel very sorry for the plight of the black teen ... However, young black thugs, you’ve got to work with us a little bit because you’re kind of operating against the storyline the aforementioned are singing about y’all, and thus, making it difficult for us to soulfully commiserate.

Of what, pray tell, do I speak?

Well, homeslice, it goes something like this: For us to give a crap about your below-par existence we’d like to hear less and less about…

  • Your ghastly grades in school
  • Your ridiculous dropout rates
  • Your colossal out of wedlock birthrates
  • Your embracing of a musical culture that celebrates the shooting of cops and doing filthy, vile things to someone’s daughter
  • Your love affair with drugs and alcohol
  • Your #hatethem tweets aimed at white people
  • Your flash mobbing and robbing places and people
  • Your audacity to blame everybody and their dog for your odious behavior
  • And your ginormous, misplaced racial chip on your shoulder
  • Yes, if you could/would chill on some of that stuff, well … That’d be great. That would make us crackers think, “Hey, maybe you’re serious about getting out of the ditch you’re in.”

    He also holds all of black America responsible for two murders of white people by black teens, because that is just logic.

    Now, you may say, "Hey, Doktor Zoom, that is an odious comparison! There are many, many differences between George Will and this Doug Giles character!"

    And we would reply, "Yes, yes there are. We are pretty sure that Doug Giles has never worn a bowtie in his life."

    [Mediaite /]

    Doktor Zoom

    Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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