Have you ever tried to love God so hard that he makes you say a bunch of crazy non-words sounds, with your tongue, but it just wouldn't work? Well, “Gary” has had that problem, so of course he turns to Crazy Non-Words Sounds expert, Pat Robertson, on how to do it just right:

Pat, I recently read a book on the Holy Spirit that talked a lot about speaking in tongues. It also said that speaking in tongues is our personal language with God. Well, I haven't been given that personal language yet. Is there something that I am doing wrong? This personal intimacy with God is important to me.

First of all, Gary, good on you for wanting to know how to get into God's pants, you've definitely turned to the right guy. Unfortunately, Pat doesn't have much time to tell you all of his Greatest Seduction Moves.

“I haven't got time to go into the great details of what you need,” Pat says -- he has to leave room in his show to explain to the next “viewer” at “home” what Jesus thought about tithing part of your Social Security check -- but basically:

What you need, basically, is to surrender and ask — you know, the Bible says seek and ye shall find, ask and it'll be given it to you. Ask, and then you receive, and you thank the Lord for it.

So, you just ask God, in a nice way (don't forget your please and thank you), “Sup, God, can you please give me the power to talk crazy talk, with my tongue?” and then God will give that to you. Like that? Well, it's not quite so simple.

The trouble is, people, they want to begin to worship God in a heavenly language, but they keep asking in their vernacular, which is, most cases, English.

With more than 2 billion Christians on the planet, we are thinking it's unlikely most of them are trying to pray in English, ACTUALLY, but maybe Pat's speaking in tongues only about American Christians, because let's face it, they're the ones who count.

So you're saying, “Fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me,” and really, you don't give Him a chance to come in and do something.

We know you need a moment to digest that and give God a chance to come. Go on, we'll wait.

But you need to spend time worshipping the Lord, you surrender to Him, and then out of the fullness of your spirit, there comes an utter gushing of the language of the Holy Spirit.

Is it hard? Yes, it is so hard, says Pat's leggy brunette baby-sitter for the day. She also struggled, once upon a time, with how to use her tongue, for being intimate with God, but then she “spent time with a couple that already had the gift,” and after a couple weekends of quality time with this couple, she learned how to surrender.

“So don't give up, Gary,” she says. “It's gonna happen.” Maybe Gary should find himself a nice couple to spend some weekends with too? That might help.

“That's right,” says Pat. That's all you gotta do!

Surrender and then receive. You know, you're gonna receive. People say, well, “Lord, fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me.”

They always say it five times, apparently.

Well, there comes a time you say, “Thank you, Lord” and let Him do it.

Hope that clears it up for you, Gary, because that's all the time Pat and his baby-sitter have for you today. Now, as to the question of whether you must still tithe to your church, even if you are living solely on Social Security benefits and you are coming up short every month? Well, duh, of course. But, says Pat, just "look to God to supply you with other sources of income." That should cover it. Have you heard the good word about investing in oil and gas?

[h/t Joe My God]

Donate with CC
Image: Marriott Hotels

Great GOP wordsmith Frank Luntz, the guy who gave us the "death tax" and who urged the George W. Bush administration to talk about "climate change" since it was less politically motivating than "global warming," did some more of his characteristic word magic today! While staying at the Hotel Imperial in Vienna, Austria, Luntz offered this cautionary tale about the evils of socialism, as illustrated by the shoddy conditions in a 5-star luxury hotel owned by Dubai's "Al Habtoor" conglomerate and operated by Marriott:

Talk about your grim hellholes! Apparently, there's only one elevator in the entire building, and it's been broken for three days, proving that European-style socialism is a failure that should never be imported to the USA, where -- damn it! -- all buildings work!

As some smartass pointed out, now Luntz may have to take the STAIRS, like a common Bolshevik!

We're still trying to get our heads around how a delay in getting an elevator fixed in a luxury hotel owned by the United Arab Emirati proprietors of Dubai's

  • Habtoor Grand Resort
  • Waldorf Astoria Dubai Palm Jumeirah
  • Habtoor Palace, LXR Hotels & Resorts
  • V Hotel, Curio Collection by Hilton
  • Hilton Dubai Al Habtoor City
  • Metropolitan Hotel Dubai
  • Al Habtoor Polo Resort

as well as

  • Imperial Hotel, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Vienna (Austria)
  • Hilton London Wembley (United Kingdom)
  • Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand (Lebanon)
  • Hilton Beirut Metropolitan Palace (Lebanon)
  • President Abraham Lincoln Springfield – a DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel (United States)
  • InterContinental Budapest (Hungary)
  • The Ritz-Carlton, Budapest (Hungary)

is an example of the horrors of socialism, but then, we don't earn the big bucks like Luntz does. Austria is among the 14 richest countries in the world, so we're fairly certain it's not a commie hellhole. Then again, there is a very strong social safety net, so maybe people in subsidized housing stole all the elevator parts. Or perhaps the elevator would have been fixed sooner if only Austria didn't have such strong unions. It's a mystery.

Or maybe it's that NATIONAL socialism that's the problem, seeing as it has socialism RIGHT IN THE NAME!

Adolf Hitler, once a day labourer outside the Hotel Imperial Vienna, returned as the Führer and "delivered a speech to a rapturous crowd from [the hotel] suite's balcony, on 14 March 1938", according to

We suppose it's worth noting that the Imperial is decidedly not owned or operated by the Austrian government, where a far-Right coalition has recently imploded -- although maybe Luntz is confused about that, since official state guests are traditionally housed there. In any case, the elevator's busted, it's in Europe, Europe is socialist, and Frank Luntz is homesick for America, where no elevator ever goes unrepaired for an entire weekend. It simply has never happened because of our efficient free market!

Still, Luntz's tweet inspired some valuable reflections on how economic theory shapes the reality of everyday life. This is the kind of Austrian economics we can support.

In conclusion, capitalism always allocates resources efficiently and fairly, although that still doesn't explain why Frank Luntz has a job. And now it would be your DOKTOR ZOOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OPEN THREAD, if only the socialists would fix the elevator, the end.

Yr Wonkette is entirely supported by donations from you, the reader. Please send us money so socialists won't make us take the stairs.

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Donate with CC

Spinal Tap - Gimme Some Money

Some dick is suing your Wonkette! If you are able, will you please send money?

1. Pick "just once" or "monthly."

2. Pick an amount, like say "all of the money."

3. Click "paypal" if you are paypal or "stripe" if you are not paypal.


5. Carry on with your day, and with new posts below!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Donate with CC

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc