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Have you ever tried to love God so hard that he makes you say a bunch of crazy non-words sounds, with your tongue, but it just wouldn't work? Well, “Gary” has had that problem, so of course he turns to Crazy Non-Words Sounds expert, Pat Robertson, on how to do it just right:

Pat, I recently read a book on the Holy Spirit that talked a lot about speaking in tongues. It also said that speaking in tongues is our personal language with God. Well, I haven't been given that personal language yet. Is there something that I am doing wrong? This personal intimacy with God is important to me.

First of all, Gary, good on you for wanting to know how to get into God's pants, you've definitely turned to the right guy. Unfortunately, Pat doesn't have much time to tell you all of his Greatest Seduction Moves.


“I haven't got time to go into the great details of what you need,” Pat says -- he has to leave room in his show to explain to the next “viewer” at “home” what Jesus thought about tithing part of your Social Security check -- but basically:

What you need, basically, is to surrender and ask — you know, the Bible says seek and ye shall find, ask and it'll be given it to you. Ask, and then you receive, and you thank the Lord for it.

So, you just ask God, in a nice way (don't forget your please and thank you), “Sup, God, can you please give me the power to talk crazy talk, with my tongue?” and then God will give that to you. Like that? Well, it's not quite so simple.

The trouble is, people, they want to begin to worship God in a heavenly language, but they keep asking in their vernacular, which is, most cases, English.

With more than 2 billion Christians on the planet, we are thinking it's unlikely most of them are trying to pray in English, ACTUALLY, but maybe Pat's speaking in tongues only about American Christians, because let's face it, they're the ones who count.

So you're saying, “Fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me,” and really, you don't give Him a chance to come in and do something.

We know you need a moment to digest that and give God a chance to come. Go on, we'll wait.

But you need to spend time worshipping the Lord, you surrender to Him, and then out of the fullness of your spirit, there comes an utter gushing of the language of the Holy Spirit.

Is it hard? Yes, it is so hard, says Pat's leggy brunette baby-sitter for the day. She also struggled, once upon a time, with how to use her tongue, for being intimate with God, but then she “spent time with a couple that already had the gift,” and after a couple weekends of quality time with this couple, she learned how to surrender.

“So don't give up, Gary,” she says. “It's gonna happen.” Maybe Gary should find himself a nice couple to spend some weekends with too? That might help.

“That's right,” says Pat. That's all you gotta do!

Surrender and then receive. You know, you're gonna receive. People say, well, “Lord, fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me.”

They always say it five times, apparently.

Well, there comes a time you say, “Thank you, Lord” and let Him do it.

Hope that clears it up for you, Gary, because that's all the time Pat and his baby-sitter have for you today. Now, as to the question of whether you must still tithe to your church, even if you are living solely on Social Security benefits and you are coming up short every month? Well, duh, of course. But, says Pat, just "look to God to supply you with other sources of income." That should cover it. Have you heard the good word about investing in oil and gas?

[h/t Joe My God]

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