Get Ready For A Long, Hard, Throbbing Four Years: Your Weekly Top Ten!
Yes, this is correctly positioned.
Good morning, Wonkers! Oh, you've had such a wonderful week, with the CONSTANT ADRENALIN from these malevolent hemorrhoids in the Oval Office -- and we haven't even covered the ICE raids yet! It is going to be a long, hard, throbbing four years, full of victories against evil and five more evils where that evil had been.
And that's why you need Wonkette. We will be here, Telling Fuck You to Power, wherever people gather to ... Tell Fuck You to Power. And goddamn it, we'll do it in style. And not Ivanka Trump style either, that shit's HIDDY.
So after this short commercial break, where we tell you to not only give us $$$, but sign up to do it every month for the rest of your life FOR EVER or until your card on file expires, we'll get to talking more about that!
Hey, see those buttons over there in the sidebar, at top AND bottom -------> ? Those allow you to make monthly, recurring donations to us here at Wonkette dot com, on account of we ain't got NO ADS anymore, because the Lord and the Wonkers will provide. (My mom threatened to send me $10 a month, I told her not to, she fought me about it, and I finally said, FINE, BUT I'M NOT HELPING YOU FIGURE OUT PAYPAL. And goddamn it, she did. If my mom can figure out the PayPal, you can figure out the PayPal, I surely do promise.) You can enter any amount up to one hundred US canned clams per month! Shy is working on finding recurring-donation options for Pay With Amazon and Square (the credit card processor we're using). Until then, hold your nose and use the PayPal; Peter Thiel sold it aaaages ago. About 300 new folks signed up for recurring donations this week! Let's make it ELEVEN THOUSAND, like TalkingPointsMemo has, and they're not even funny at all.
Time for our Top 10 stories of the week, as chosen by MATH!
1. Maybe Ivanka is just bad at fashion. Robyn breaks down why Nordstrom et al. have been ditching poor, abused Ivanky Trump's line. It has something to do with the grandma curtains.
2. Wonkette to Ad Networks: Fuck Off and Die! This was me! Sexplaining why FUCK THE AD NETWORKS, WONKETTE IS DONE WITH YOU MFUCKERS, GET ME MORE ICED TEA.
3. Behold: The 'Alt-Right' Proud Boys. Gavin McInnes has a new group of nazis, with the surprise twist that they don't masturbate. LOL gross.
4. Trump doesn't like being leaked on. Me again! Donald Trump was all ARGLE BARGLE these OBAMA PEOPLE leaked on me! Poor boy didn't even get any hooker pee!
5. Spicer: Trump Just Walks Around Naked and Puts His Naked Butt on EVERYTHING. Trump doesn't even own a bathrobe, lies Sean Spicer because his lips are moving.
6. Kellyanne Conway Remembers That Time She Died in the Bowling Green Massacre. It was very tragic :(
7. IT'S A WIN! Homeland Security Finally Backs the Fuck Down on Trump's Illegal, Shitty Muslim Ban. GUYS. WE WON ONE. The DHS backed down on the little bitty constitutional crisis it was toying with, and went back to the courts (TO LOSE AGAIN) instead of just ignoring them.
8. If You Missed Lady Gaga's Political Message, You're Probably a Dumb Trump Supporter. Duh.
9. Is Jill Stein Stupider Than Betsy Devos? This one was a doozy. Like, you THOUGHT you knew Jill Stein was stupid, but get a load of this brain damage.
10. Hold On To That Refugee Nice Time, Because Trump Is Telling All Those Judges To Fuck Right Out Of Here. Donald Trump: bad at business, bad at Constitution, bad at life.
And there you have them! Now, because you are faithful, you get some baby selfies! (Confidential to Tabby in Maine: one of these has NOSEFACE, the best of all the faces. You are welcome!) For about a week and a half now, Donna Rose, the boss of you, has been KALI, THE HYPERACTIVE DESTROYER. You should have seen the hotel room she left behind in Billings; it was like the Who had been in there in 1974. I had to tip the maids eleven dollars. I sure hope we don't have to sell her.
Thank you, you're welcome, and MONEY PLEASE!
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.