GET UP IDIOTS IT'S TIME FOR A ELECTION
Oh look it is the alarm clock on our extremely fragile democracy and after three years of hitting the snooze button it is time to LEAP OUT OF BED and GET YOUR ASS TO ... well, the couch is a good first step. We can try "outside" after we've been sitting upright a while.
That's right the election is a year from yesterday, or that is what the internet has told me and I THINK that was today but who even knows, time is melted. That fucker broke time.
Look, we never thought it would be this bad. And when some of you had your hair on fire before the election three years ago, we (me) were (was) like, "Oh, he's stupid and evil and it's gonna be bad but it's not gonna be the END OF DEMOCRACY, gah you're all such DRAMA QUEENS."
We (I) were (was) really, truly, unspeakably wrong. He is everything the most hysterical among you imagined, and more. And now I hope you all are over your you time and your mental health break, because the marathon is over and now we've got a yearlong sprint.
What do we do? We talk to our neighbors, especially but not only the ones who suck. We use honey, not vinegar, which is a hilarious thing for your Wonkette to say, because we are bitches, but in person it's true. We read every thing we can possibly can, so that next time the hot appliance repair man comes over (bow chicka bow wow!), we can explain why Jordan Peterson saying "white men are like this and women and black dudes are just different" is actually bad. (We are no longer looking forward to the hot appliance repair man's next visit, Trump ruins EVERYTHING!) We pay attention; we bear witness; we put on our bumper stickers especially in a red state so that people in the parking lot have someone to tell: "I thought I was the only one." Take their fucking number, and call them, and keep at it. (Don't call so much it's annoying. And never call a person under 30, I hear.)
I'm basically a one-issue voter lately (two after MY VAGINA), and it's "who is being bitches to other Democrats and who is being lovey hippie lovers and is saying nice things and may stay." Am I mad at some of them? YES, PETE, because you're being a BITCHES. Do I give a goddamn fuck about hearing MORE about their health care plans? Fucking STOP IT. Y'all Bernie people KNOW the only reason you're insisting on ONLY THIS VERSION of Medicare 4 All is to weed out anyone who's not Bernie including Elizabeth Warren who's cosponsored it but like not hard enough. And Amy Klobs and Biden and Pete people bitching about Medicare 4 All, you KNOW you're only trying to kneecap the lefties with your hippie-punching and "but peeeeeeople love their insuuuuuurance" shut the fuck up y'all LIARS. I actually heard Terry McAuliffe say yesterday on the teevee, because my dad and his six broken ribs have colonized the living room and the news is ALWAYS FUCKING ON, that the Democrats need to stop talking about Trump so they can talk more about health care. Unless what Terry McAuliffe is saying Democrats should be saying is "Obamacare was a terrific first step that Trump then sabotaged and I will sign ANY BILL to improve it," then Terry McAuliffe needs to ZIP IT!
Regardless, now is when we get back in it, if we ever left. Be informed, and be loud. Peggy Noonan might be (just kidding she is) full of shit, but she's right about the fucking yard signs. People want excitement, and they want to belong. Give them something to belong to, and you, you belong right here, in our bosoms. You belong with us.
Oh, and call your state Dem party and get started on the Senate. Since I PERSONALLY got Jon Tester reelected in Montana, fuck you yes I did, let's see you do the same in North Carolina and Maine and Nebraska (I forget?) and AZ.
RISE AND SHINE WONKERS. IT'S FUCKIN' TIME.
Teletubbies: Wake Up - Full Episodewww.youtube.com
What's that Tinky Winky? It's OPEN THREAD!
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.