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Thanks to Snipy staying up late so we could post theresults of the one election yesterday that everyone was following (Mississippi: the Old Guy won, the other asshole lost), we are left with tidying up the electoral crumbs from around our great nation. Of course, Chris McDaniel is still making grumpy whining noises about recounts and "the integrity of the vote" and such, so he hasn't exactly conceded to the critter-fiddler. Or to reality. Now, on to the other primaries of note!


In Colorado, we've already had a Big Win for fans of the genuinely crazy, which helps to blunt the pain of knowing that perennial ranting foamypants racist Tom Tancredo lost the Republican gubernatorial primary to former U.S. Rep. Bob Beauprez. Sadly, it would appear that Tom Tancredo's shtick appears to be past its prime. Not that this will stop him from continuing to try to deport everyone. Obviously, Tancredo, who was endorsed by Michelle Malkin, would have been the better candidate for comedy, so Yr. Wonkette is still working through the stages of grief -- as of now, we're past denial and bargaining, and well into our fifteenth cup of coffee. At least one progressive group was trying to do its own bit of ratsexing for the primary, running ads calling Tancredo "too conservative for Colorado" in the apparent hope that Republicans would take the bait, but Tancredo only managed a 2nd-place finish with 26% of the vote to Beauprez's 30%, and Colorado doesn't do primary runoffs.

In New York, it looks like Charlie Rangel is going to just barely hold onto his seat, which is a lounge chair in the Dominican Republic (we kid -- he sold it -- the beach place, not the seat...), mostly through inertia, it seems. His opponent, Adriano Espaillat, trails by about 1800 votes with 100% of precincts reporting, and hasn't yet conceded, still hoping that absentee ballots may go his way, which seems a pretty slim hope. With no Republican running against him in the fall, this is going to be Rangel's 23rd and last term (he says), and so maybe we can look forward to a little more face-palming graft? Hell, it's New York so maybe the graft is mandatory? Our favorite detail from the NY Daily News story: At about ten minutes to midnight, when NY1 called the election for Rangel, "The sound system that had played 'I Will Survive' earlier in the night suddenly was blaring 'Happy' by Pharrell." Sadly, we do not have any video of Rangel awkwardly dancing to it.

In sad news for Yr. Wonkette, South Carolina's Sally Atwater lost her runoff for the Republican nomination for State Superintendent of Education to Molly Spearman, although it's anybody's guess whether she actually knows that. Someone should ask her!

And finally, in Oklahoma, there was not a lot of drama as James Lankford, the already terrible congressman, will now become the absolutely terrible Republican Senate nominee after winning the primary; his closest challenger, T.W. Shannon, was endorsed by Sarah Palin, who has a deep sad today because "If Republicans are gonna act like Democrats, then what’s the use?” And so in yet another race, the wingnut tea party candidate loses to the already wingnutty "establishment" Republican, and there is much sadness among the "true conservatives" because the actual winner is merely extremely conservative, not VERY extremely rightwingly conservative.

There was also a primary in Maryland, and Snipy already snagged the only interesting story on that race, too. The winner seems nice! Thank heavens there will at least be a few crazies for us to pay attention to in the fall!

[Tancredo image by Kenny Be gleefully swiped from Denver Westword]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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