Superlawyer Rudy Giuliani Is Ready To Confess. Again.
Rudy Giuliani has A PLAN. Were you thinking that he just goes on television every Sunday and shouts whatever random incriminating shit pops into his bad brain at the time? Nope! If you compare the transcripts from his Fox and ABC hits from yeserday, you'll see that Rudy gave exactly the same interview, in the exact same order, twice -- once to George Stephanopoulos, and once to Chris Wallace. He's actually doing this on purpose!
Yeah, it's a really BAD PLAN. But, sure, fine, let's play along. Tell us, Rudy, what were the five talking points you were dispatched to barf out on national teevee on Sunday morning? Inquiring minds want to know!
1. Michael Cohen Tells Lies
Rudy Giuliani has news for you, America, and it is that Michael Cohen, the guy who just pleaded guilty to lying to Congress, is a bad lawyer who tells lies and tapes his clients, unlike Donald Trump, who is known for his sincerity and scrupulous honesty.
Here's the president's lawyer on Fox:
The president is telling the truth, yes. This man is lying.
Now, is that a big surprise to you that Michael Cohen is lying? The man got up in front of the judge and said I was a fiercely loyal to Donald Trump. Nonsense he was fiercely loyal to him, he taped him, lied to him, revealed the tape and did something a lawyer I've never heard ever did -- tape record his own client.
And here he is on ABC:
Well, the president said that's false. And [Cohen] said it was false under oath. He said it was false in his tape recorded conversation with Chris Cuomo. He said it was false on five other tape recorded conversations. He said on those tape recorded conversations that he did it on his own to start and then he brought it to the president and then the president reimbursed him.
Clear as a bell under oath, must have said it 10 times.
OK, now he says the opposite. You're going to tell me which is the truth? I think I know what the truth is. But unless you're god, this man you will never know what the truth is. He lies to fit the situation he's in.
See, Michael Cohen is a liar, so ipso facto res ipsa loquitur anything he taped is obviously UNTRUE. (It makes sense if you eat a pile of paint chips and take a huge bong rip first.) So that recording of Trump planning the payment to AMI for Karen McDougal's story just proves that he only discussed it once, and then immediately forgot about it.
That was a -- that was a conversation he was asked, middle of the campaign, I was with him back then in the middle of the campaign, he's working 18 hours a day. I wasn't able to remember a lot of things that happened in September of 2016. He was asked it one time.
When he sat down with his lawyer and went through it in great detail and saw things that could refresh his recollection, we immediately corrected it.
But didn't Donald Trump lie for two straight years about not knowing anything about the payoffs?
The president's not under oath.
2. Crimes Are Not Crimes Because ... JOHN EDWARDS!
In 2011, John Edwards convinced a jury he'd used donor funds to stop his wife finding out that he'd impregnated a campaign videographer, rather than to help his presidential campaign. In 2015, Donald Trump sat down with his fixer and the publisher of the National Enquirer and hatched a plan to stop evangelical voters from finding out about his wandering mushroom dick. These two things are exactly the same, and if the condom does not fit, you must acquit!
Not convinced? Then take it from Rudy's TWENTY WITNESSES, who are all Canadian supermodels without internet access.
And I -- and I can produce -- I can produce an enormous number of witnesses that say the president was very concerned about how this was going to affect his children, his marriage, not just this one but similar -- all those women came forward at that point in time, that -- that tape with Billy Bush and all of that. It's all part of the same thing. And I know what he was concerned about and I can produce 20 witnesses to tell you what he was concerned about.
Also, too, if Trump did take contributions to influence the election like Cohen, David Pecker, and Pecker's lieutenant Dylan Howard said, but, also he did to protect poor, soft Melon, then the whole thing is kosher, okay?
It's not a contribution. If it's intended for a purpose in addition to the campaign purpose.
(Nope, the Judge in the Edwards case said exactly the opposite.)
We already know about Yeti Pubes, Shark Week foreplay with Stormy Daniels, who also spanked him with Trump Magazine. No one will ever look at the Mario Kart mushroom the same way again. And yet Rudy G. is still out there pretending Cohen just engineered the payoffs, without Trump's knowledge -- wink wink -- to make those lying hussies go away?
When it's true and you have the kind of money the president had, it's a $1 million settlement. When it's not true, when it's a harassment settlement and it's not true, you give them $130,000, $150,000. They went away for so little money that it indicates their case was very, very weak.
Whyyyyy is Giuliani still bothering to pretend Trump did not have sex with those women, Miss Daniels and Miss McDougal?
3. Rod Rosenstein Wants To LOCK HER UP For ... Parking Tickets?
Acting Attorney General Matthew "Meatball" Whitaker has thusfar failed to murder the Robert Mueller investigation, and meanwhile SDNY prosecutors have directly implicated Trump in a felony. But Rudy knows this is all a Deep State plot by that perv Rod Rosenstein.
And who is on top? Rosenstein's on top. He's on top of both. So these things are connected. Why were they both in court? They're passing the guy back and forth.
Riiiight. Just keep both hands on the desk, Big Boy.
And what is big scary Rod Rosenstein coming after Trump for?
I'm telling you, George, they're going to go try to look for unpaid parking tickets and see if they can nail him for unpaid parking tickets.
WUT? Maybe it will sound less stupid the second time around.
GIULIANI: Yes. There are several unpaid parking tickets that night -- back in 1986, '87 that haven't been explained. You know, we've got to --
GIULIANI: Seriously, unpaid parking tickets --
WALLACE: No, no, no.
GIULIANI: It was a movie theater. He didn't pay the proper fee.
Hey, Rudy, while you're here, you want to implicate your client in a scheme to launder that hush money payment and violate about a hundred business record and tax laws?
He did find out about it and eventually reimburse him.
4. The Bitch Set Michael Flynn Up
We're really going to go with the arugment that Poor Mike Flynn, the national security advisor, didn't know it was a crime to lie to the FBI? REALLY?
They put Flynn through questioning and he says something wrong and they got a document there that contradicts it. If they were searching for the truth, they'd show him the document and they'd say, General, does this refresh your recollection? Tell us the rest of it now. But they weren't. They hid it so they could jam him for perjury.
5. Collusion Doesn't Count If You Pull Out And Don't Inhale
So, was Roger Stone the WikiLeaks conduit to the Trump campaign? Because that would be kind of a big deal.
STEPHANOPOULOS: And did Roger Stone ever give the president a heads-up on WikiLeaks' leaks -- leaks concerning Hillary Clinton, the DNC?
GIULIANI: No, he didn't.
STEPHANOPOULOS: Not at all?
GIULIANI: No. I don't believe so. But again, if Roger Stone gave anybody a heads-up about WikiLeaks' leaks, that's not a crime. It would be like giving him a heads-up that the Times is going to print something. One the -- the crime -- this is why this thing is so weird, strange -- the crime is conspiracy to hack; collusion is not a crime, it doesn't exist.
Big round of applause for the president's lawyer, y'all. He doesn't know if the president got a heads up that the Russians were going to help his campaign by dumping stolen emails, but if he did, it's TOTALLY NOT A CRIME.
AND IT'S ONLY MONDAY.
Follow your FDF on Twitter!
Please click here to fund your Wonkette, who watches that idiot Giuliani so you don't have to. Show us some love!
Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.