Hey remember all those times Fusion GPS co-founder Glenn Simpson testified for Congress for one million hours as Republicans tried to catch him in a real big lie, which is obviously that Hillary Clinton conspired with the Russians to create the DODGY STEELE DOSSIER, which means it is full of lies and Donald Trump is innocent on all charges of himself conspiring with the Russians to steal the presidential election? Those were fun times! We liveblogged the transcripts, and sadly, despite how we are dealing with such mental geniuses as Jim Jordan and Louie Gohmert (and Chuck Grassley and Lindsey Graham over in the Senate!), they were never able to catch Simpson in a GOTCHA!

And why? Because Republicans are full of shit.

And Glenn Simpson is through with it. So this time, when the House GOP subpoenaed him, the response was "oh fuck off." His lawyer Joshua Levy grabbed the talking stick and openly and honestly communicated his client's feelings, which, again, are "fuck off."

Simpson's attorney said the Republican-led Judiciary Committee has turned a blind eye to "White House efforts to influence and interfere with the Justice Department's investigation in this administration," noting that it has gone after whistleblowers and Mueller.

Levy compared their efforts to McCarthyism.

"Like Sen. [Joseph] McCarthy, this committee has largely conducted its business in secret confidential interviews and depositions, binding witnesses and their counsels to silence, while the members walk outside to all of you and the media and the public and selectively leak from those interviews to tell you what they want you to hear," Levy added.

That's exactly their playbook! It's like when Devin Nunes has somebody else read a super-secret classified document for him (he never reads shit himself, possibly because he is always busy trying to woo some cows), but then says "NO YOU CAN'T SEE IT!" so he and his fellow GOP idiots have time to selectively leak shit to Fox News in order to frame the narrative.

Part of the issue Simpson and Levy had with this particular testimony is that it was not only behind closed doors but also confidential, which means bad actors like Mark Meadows can leak and lie even more about what Simpson testifies to. Levy also noted that these Republicans didn't seem to mind all the times Trump's band of merry motherfuckers "invoked their privileges or outright just decided not to comply with subpoenas," so quit yer whining about when Simpson exercises his Constitutional right to say "fuck off."

Speaking of Mark Meadows, he is MAD. He said this to reporters after Simpson was forced to tell the committee to its face that "go fuck yourselves":


LOL, we are saying a tease, that is not a real quote from a United States congressman! But his real quotes aren't worth your time and Wonkette feels we have captured Meadows's spirit.

Jim Jordan, meanwhile, got on Twitter to yell incoherently at clouds while continuing to ignore all those wrestlers who got sexually abused at Ohio State under his watch. Look at this shit, like what does it even mean:

Yeah, most of the latter part of that isn't actually true, it's just what Jim Jordan sees when he's hallucinating off his own farts.

More complain:

Or maybe he's just saying FUCK OFF.

Look, we know it's gotta make a congressman who likes to obstruct justice for Donald Trump real mad that Glenn Simpson is doing this. But good lord, this dog-and-pony show has gone on for a long time, and those congressmen have wasted so much of everybody's time and money doing everything they possibly can to prevent a real investigation into the Trump campaign's Russian crimes. But what the hell do they think they're going to accomplish with yet another hearing about yet more bullshit? Or as Levy puts it:

"The Russians tried to elect Donald Trump president," Levy said. "It's been proven. And you're quibbling about whether this little detail on page 127 was correct or not? It's absurd, we gotta stop this."

The other thing Simpson knows and Levy knows is that there's a very good chance that after November 6, the House GOP's time for grandstanding bullshit will come to an end. And we're betting Mark Meadows and Jim Jordan and the others know that. So fuck it, let's have one more last hurrah before some semblance of sanity is restored to the House of Representatives.

Of course that only happens if everybody votes, so VOTE MOTHERFUCKERS VOTE.

[The Hill]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

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Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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