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We were afraid this might happen. The Catholic League, aka this one very lonely sad guy named Bill Donohue who devotes all 27 hours a day every day thinking about The Gay but in a not gay way, has spent the last year evil-scheming an evil scheme to punish The Gays, ever since they hijacked the St. Patrick's Day parades in New York and Boston by forcing beer companies to sell gay beer to them or something. He had this great idea to march in the next Pride Parade, with a big colorful but in a straight way "STRAIGHT IS GREAT" banner, which didn't work out so well when The Gays said, "Sure, Bill, come on down with your banner and your bad self and let your freak flag fly. We'd love to have you."


But that hasn't stopped Bill from fretting about how The Gay will ruin next year's annual celebration of wearing green and vomiting in the streets by doing even more gay and probably masturbating all over themselves, as gays do, because "gays have been known to take their clothes off in the parade."

Even though Bill has marched in New York City's St. Patrick's Day parade for two decades, now that New York has decided to let The Gay also march -- out in the open with a banner and everything! -- in the 2015 parade, Bill has decided he can quit you.

Prior to the announcement that a gay group would march under its own banner in the 2015 parade, I was consulted by parade organizers about their plans. I told them that I could only support this decision if there were a formal revision in the parade’s rules governing marching units, and that is exactly what I said in my first public statement. To be specific, I asked them to pledge that a pro-life Catholic group would also be permitted. I was told that a formal change in the rules had been approved and that a pro-life group would march. Now I am being told that the list of marching units is set and that no pro-life group will march in next year’s parade. Accordingly, I have decided to withdraw our participation.

Even Bill's best friend Cardinal Timothy Dolan, former president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, who supposedly hates The Gays and The Abortions as much as Bill does, is not getting his knickers in a twist over the decision.

At a news conference last Wednesday, Dolan said he was OK with the decision to allow the LGBT group to march.

“I have no trouble with the decision at all,” Dolan said, adding that the parade has “never been free of controversy,” and that he thought the decision to allow the group to march was “a wise one.”

Maybe Dolan has had a change of heart after New Pope's message that U.S. bishops should stop obsessing about The Gay (and also abortion and slut pills) all the damned time? Or maybe The Gays have gotten to him and are trying to start a war between Dolan and Donohoe? Yeah, that's probably it.

“Attempts will now be made to pit me against Timothy Cardinal Dolan, the Grand Marshal of the 2015 parade. The suggestion that I am at odds with the New York Archbishop is not only false, it is despicable. Cardinal Dolan has no more rabid supporter than Bill Donohue, and nothing that has transpired recently changes anything,” Donohue said.

We sure are #sorrynotsorry Bill will not be rabidly marching in next year's parade, thanks A LOT, The Gays. We were so looking forward to watching him vomit up some gay beer in his assless chaps.*

*No we were not. That is a total lie. But you're welcome for that imagery.

[CBS New York via TPM]

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