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God-Appointed Sheriff Lady Will Bring Down This Government Her Own Self

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Remember Operation American Spring? Back in May a couple hundred of them arrived in Washington, vowing to maintain a daily protest until Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, Harry Reid, and Nancy Pelosi were forced to abandon their offices. They were mighty, even if they didn't quite make the 10 million to 30 million attendance mark they'd predicted. But they did at least get Obama to resign, didn't they?


Oh, and Eric Holder. Better arrest Holder, just to be sure he can't sneak back in.

Fast and Furious! ObamaCare! BENGHAZI!!!

It was going pretty well for a couple of days. They prayed in front of the Lincoln Memorial, they flew their flags by the Washington Monument, they yelled their demands at the White House.

They settled into a shady spot by a snack shack on the National Mall within view of the Capitol and Camp Liberty was born.

And parked at the edge of their patch of grass was a black RV covered in Anonymous and WikiLeaks logos with an OCCUPY flag flying from the back. The first time we noticed it there was a woman in a flowing tunic standing between the skylights, blowing a duck call.

Meet Christine, God-Appointed Sheriff of Washington, DC.

Christine came for Operation American Spring because she wants to overthrow the federal government, but some of her other causes didn't line up too well with the majority of OAS protesters. She's a vocal supporter of Chelsea Manning, Julian Assange, and Edward Snowden, she thinks Osama bin Laden's assassination was a hoax, and she has a large web presence dedicated to the theory that the 9/11 attacks were orchestrated by the George W. Bush administration.

To keep the peace, she tried covering the WikiLeaks logos on one side of the bus, which she calls the Anonomobile. Then her fellow protesters asked her to stop telling passers-by that a passenger jet couldn't have made a hole that small in the Pentagon and that the damage to the building was inflicted by a missile.

Christian fellowship seemed to keep things calm for awhile, but after about a month, Camp Liberty was down to a few dozen diehards and Christine's small faction felt increasingly unwelcome. A shoving match between the Anonomobile's resident A/V expert Media Matt and OAS pastor Sylvester Bland (seen above, with flag) brought out the Park Police, and Christine began to suspect that the people who'd taken charge of the "leaderless movement" were either secretly government contractors or only interested in skimming donations coming in through the project's various web pages.

She was determined to protest in favor of government transparency in view of the Capitol and the throngs of tourists passing by on the National Mall, but the ideological and personal disputes with OAS boiled over and even a shared commitment to taking down Barack Obama could not bridge the gap. She moved the Anonomobile closer to the Capitol as the population of Camp Liberty dwindled to zero and its spiritual father, Col. Riley, declared that the protest had "made a difference" and that he was resigning as its leader.

Obama remains in the White House, so Christine and Media Matt remain on the Mall. They spend their time engaging the public, tweeting, posting frequent public Facebook updates, and filling her YouTube channel with videos about the importance of net neutrality, how hard it is to walk into the Department of Justice for no reason, the aftermath of the "Kenyan Occupation" (also known as the Smithsonian Folklife Festival), and the utterly prejudicial ticketing habits of the Park Police.

Since Anonymous avoids naming leaders or spokespeople, it doesn't exactly have a VP in charge of franchising. If you want to paint your RV with Anonymous symbols, name it the Anonomobile, and drive it to protests to promote Anonymous, no one's going to stop you, but some of the Anonokids might not be too happy about it. They might be mad enough to fire up the ol' text-to-voice and take to YouTube to say you are almost definitely probably an FBI informant. Probably.

Is Christine a covert agent? We cannot say! We do not have these Friends with Access to Information. She has always been quite cordial to us, and the closest she comes to a disguise is doubling up on her hippie accessories to appear harmless to the police protecting the government she's vowed to dismantle.

Well, you could say she's kind of in disguise when she puts on the mask.

It's hard to call her covert, especially when she uses the bullhorn to remind the complacent public that "HACKTIVISM IS SELF-DEFENSE."

Christine says she's staying in DC until November, waiting not for the midterm elections but for the Anonymous Million Mask March, commemorating the plot to attack Parliament on November 5, 1605. Her call for revolution continues 71 days after Operation American Spring first arrived, and she can almost always be found with her Anonomobile and Media Matt parked on the National Mall between 3rd and 7th Streets, NW.

Chances are she'll offer you a drink of water and invite you inside to sit for awhile in her soothing blue oasis to escape the disgusting heat of the DC summer. She's nice like that.

Just don't be offended if she's got some stuff to do.

Beth will be live-tweeting the revolution from the food court of the Air & Space Museum.

 

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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