God Expresses Displeasure With DNC By Drenching Philly With Completely Unreasonable Monsoon
Hottest place in Philly. No really, it might be. Or maybe we're exaggerating. IT'S A REALLY NICE PLACE, IS WHAT WE ARE SAYING.
Hello all, we are going to downtown Philly in a little bit for "panels" and "parties," but Monday afternoon and evening were a bit slowed down, due to how everybody was soaking wet, and not in a sexy way at all. You see, God decided we should have a monsoon, a gullywasher, a windless hurricane ... it was mighty rainy, is what we are saying.
It started as we crossed the Delaware River directly into the most insane driving rain we have ever driven through in our whole life -- one of those where you cannot see the lines, cannot see the car in front of you, can't see the shoulder to pull over, so you just go 20 MPH and pray to various deities that you'll make it through. And we did! We got the car parked, took an uberPOOL downtown -- wait, what is an uberPOOL, you are asking? It is just this cheap way to Uber, where you share with other riders. We shared with a very cute Hillary campaign employee named Nathaniel, and if we hadn't been soaking wet and gross, we MIGHT have gotten up the courage to flirt openly, but WHATEVER.
Then we arrived at our destination, the RealClearPolitics viewing party, and guys, that website must have AT LEAST a thousand more ameros than Wonkette does, because its party was SWANK. It was at a place called Talula's Garden, and it looked like this:
As we said, it was a viewing party, which means we got to see Sarah Silverman call the Bernie-Or-Busters "U R RIDICULOUS," and we also got to see First Lady Michelle Obama, the greatest first lady we will ever have in the U.S. of America, absolutely slay in her speech:
Now, you might be thinking, "Whoa, those people are mega dumb dumbs, are they just watching the back of the TV?" And the answer is YES. Or are we just fooling and there was a TV facing the other way, it being a viewing party and all? It's a mystery!
Here is our food, which we ate:
Talula's Garden also has a gender-neutral bathroom, and we were immediately concerned about OUR WIVES AND DAUGHTERS, but we peed there anyway, because we are Ford Tough.
While there, we met a wonderful woman named Dale Mezzacappa, contributing editor for a Philly-area blog called The Notebook. No, it is not a blog about the 2004 Ryan Gosling film of the same name, but we forgive you for assuming that. Rather, it is a local perspective on education in Philadelphia, a city that Dale notes "has the biggest gaps in the nation in per-pupil spending among its rich and poor school districts."
As we've gotten more acclimated with Philadelphia, we've noticed that it's absolutely beautiful, but a couple people have told us that there are areas we probably won't see, areas where things aren't so shiny and luxurious. We're guessing we could learn a lot about what's really going on in Philly from Dale. (And you should too!)
Oh hey, want to see some protest shots from the past couple of days? Of course you do! Some of these were taken by us, others by secret Wonk operative "Chris":
Yes, that is a giant joint. Moving on:
Wait, those last two don't look like Bernie-Or-Bust protesters! Well, they are, and you just have to deal with it.
Just teasing, they are part of a program called Donkeys Around Town, which, as the name implies, involves artistic donkeys placed around the town for the convention. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL.
Just teasing, those donkeys are total protesters.
So that is that! Now, it is sunny in Philadelphia, and we are going to a political gay panel as part of the Equality Forum, happening concurrently with the DNC. Hopefully we will meet some fancy congressmen there and snap their pictures, wouldn't that be nice? Yes, yes it would.