God Really Did Open A Scaramucci Window When He Closed That Sean Spicer Door
Sometimes when I get nervous I stick my fingers under my arms and then I smell 'em.
When Sean Spicer left the White House briefing room for the last time, we were all down and sad and stuff, because the man was such a terrific stupid machine, always saying the most outrageous things with a straight (and very angry!) face. But Anthony Scaramucci is actually even better for comedy (yes, worse for America, but at this point we're talking about varying depths of a cesspit anyway) than his predecessor. He's not just smarmy, he's also dumb as a bag of alternative hammers, but thinks he's the smartest, slickest guy who ever oozed sincerity on cable TV. He genuinely believes we'll want the undercoating once he's finished with his pitch, and congratulates himself on the sale even when we run away screaming. Like his boss, he's the most dangerous kind of pathological liar, because he's half-convinced himself that his bullshit tastes like crème brûlée. Spicer always looked like he could smell what he was saying, but would deny it to the last.
See, for instance, this fine interview with the BBC's Emily Maitlis, where Scaramucci insists with a perfectly straight face that Donald Trump's love of junk food makes him the very antithesis of an elitist, even though he's a TV reality-show guy, a "billionaire," and somehow the president of the United States. (The whole thing is scary and moochy, but we've got it set to the Prime Bullshit part):
It's kind of epic, if by epic you mean batshit insane and not at all convincing:
Scaramucci: What’s happening right now, which I love, is that the elites and the media establishment that want to hit the President on Russia every day, they’re recognizing there’s nothing to the Russian story
Maitlis: What part of Donald Trump is not elite? The business side or the politics side or the inheritance side? What part of Donald Trump -- many people in the UK don’t understand that.
Scaramucci: Oh my God, there’s so many things about the President
Maitlis: He’s a celebrity, he’s a billionaire
Scaramucci: How about the cheeseburgers, how about the pizza that we’re eating?
Maitlis (a bit incredulous at this guy): Everyone eats cheeseburgers and pizzas, what are you talking about?
Well! Who are you, Ms. Fancy-pants Received Pronunciation BBC Lady, to question the president's down-to-earthness? You don't recognize that a man who eats McDonalds on his private 757 with gold trim is just a regular guy? You know what? Your insistence that "everyone" eats burgers and pizzas must really be some kind of... of... elitism!
No, no, no, no. See, you’re coming across a little bit elitist, so let me just say something to you, OK? I grew up in a middle-class family, OK? We had virtually -- a tight budget and little to no money. I spent 30 years of my life trying to get into the global elites so I could stand here and serve the President. And I missed the movement.
You see, he missed the movement to bring down the elites, because, like an elitist, he was making tons of money. TPM notes that Scaramucci is, even now, still cursed with a certain taint of wealth, as he's busy "finalizing the sale of Skybridge Capital to a Chinese conglomerate." But that doesn't mean he isn't at heart an anti-elitist! And now that he's taken a vow of hating poverty, he is as down-to-earth as Donald Trump or one of your average working men at Goldman-Sachs. Just like them, he gets up every morning and scotch-tapes his tie on like a regular Joe. You elitist British snob lady!
Maitlis decided she'd try again, perhaps under the impression that if she repeated the question in English a couple times, Scaramucci might answer it:
Maitlis: Donald Trump is not elite, then? He’s not an elite?
Scaramucci: Very much so, he’s both. He knows how to operate in an elitist world, and he has unbelievable empathy for the common struggle that’s going on with the middle class people and the lower middle class people.
In fact, Scaramucci admits, Trump is far closer to the ordinary folk than Scaramucci is himself, since, as he said, he missed the movement and Trump led it, making him the best at not being elite.
Then Maitlis had an elitist question about a trade deal between the UK and the USA, but no way would the something-or-other minister accept it because the UK doesn't want to import chlorine-rinsed chicken, and whoa lady where are you coming from with all this crazy talk of things Anthony Scaramucci, with his middle-class roots, has never even heard of? What about you, elitist BBC Lady, don't YOU want a great trade deal? Why are you insisting on asking the questions but not answering any? Are you an elitist? Anyway, Scaramucci told her to ask again in a week and he'd have an answer about her chlorine-rinsed chicken, if she's gonna make a big elitist deal about it.
We have no doubt he will. We bet he'll get right on Twitter and reassure the BBC lady that the restaurant at Trump Tower serves the BEST chlorine-rinsed chicken.
Oh, also, in a small detail that didn't quite fit into Evan's story about Moochie's slap-fight with Reince Priebus, Scaramucci demonstrated his mastery of English idiom, explaining that Priebus, as the chief of staff, has to take some damn responsibility, even if he's not the leaker. It's just like nobody but Anthony Scaramucci says: "The fish stinks from the head down," you know?
And a lie can go around the small potatoes before the truth can change its shorts. Scaramucci also said he told the president he "can't afford to be a sycophant to you, sir," which is pretty goddamn funny, too.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.